What are you Writing now?

Trollheart · 12-23-2017, 05:27 AM

Okay, well first of all that story I wrote is okay but I doubt it is good enough to be published anywhere. My novels are still being written, nowhere near ready for publication in any form yet. Sure, self-publishing makes it easier these days but I'm not that familiar with how it works. I mentioned here before that I came across a company or site which would get me published for the "low price" of 800 dollars. I ain't got that.

With my responsibilities being as they are, I don't have the time or energy to seek actual publication, and even if I did, what could I publish? Some short stories that probably would get rejected in the real world? I mostly post my writings here just to get feedback and see if it's as acceptable as I convince myself it is.

I'm only two years younger than you, by the way.

I'm not trying to be nasty or harsh, but as I said, if your writing is not up to scratch surely you'd want to know? I have pointers on your secret agent story that could make it better, or at least more believable or interesting, if you want them, but as I said, if you're just going to laugh off my advice (which is fine; you're entitled to do that but I just wouldn't personally when someone is trying to help you) then what's the point?

Of course we're still friends. Nothing personal at all. Writer v Writer can be some of the most down-and-dirty, vicious deathmatches around, but it shouldn't impact friendships.

I'm writing a story today which I'll hope to publish later. Feel free to tear it apart if you think it sucks.

rubber soul · 12-23-2017, 05:40 AM

Sure, I'd like to hear your comments on my Super Agent story. I wrote that one a while ago too, but you have to admit it's better than my other throwaway

Oh, you should go over to the Writing Discussion at my old writing forum. We had a pair that would go toe to toe with anybody. It didn't hurt that they were two of the best writers on that forum. Some know it all would come over there and the poor guy would end up mincemeat.

Yeah, take a look at my secret agent story. Of course it's flawed (mostly because of the word limit in the challenge). It is closer to my real writing style though (I do tend to be a little demented

).

Trollheart · 12-23-2017, 10:38 AM

All right. I'll try not to be too brutal. Firstly, the good points: it has an unexpected, almost comical ending, which is different, however that kind of takes away from the whole gist of the story. I know Clive Barker has done similar with his characters - make you think they're going to escape, get you to identify with them, sympathise with them, root for them, then kill them off - but I feel the ending makes everything that went before sort of redundant. It's not too serious - did you write it as a spy story or a satire, or both?

Now, I'm going to go dissect it. Be prepared: this may get ugly.

Quote:

Agent in a trap

The title doesn't work for me. It's too literal and there's nothing snappy (no pun intended!) about it. I would have called it maybe "Of Mice and Men" or something like that, maybe "Best Laid Plans", or "Say Cheese". I don't know: something with a bit more zing in it. Anyway, moving on...

Quote:

“Do you have any last words Mr. Green?”

Sam Green of the FBI glared at his captor as he lay in his death trap struggling to escape from what looked like a giant mouse trap. “You won’t get away with this, Gluberg,” Sam said with a sneer.

Too much usage of the word "trap", here and elsewhere. I count six, including the title, which is bad enough, but you use it twice in the one sentence. Not recommended.

Quote:

Sam was sent by his superiors to prevent the diabolical Gluberg from his evil plans to take over the Pentagon with his new and improved death ray.

A small, niggling, annoying point, but something can't be new and improved. If it's improved, it's improving on the old version. Also, how exactly was Gluberg to take over the Pentagon? Was he going to destroy it? If you mention a death ray then it's either a) he's going to destroy it or b) he's going to use it to blackmail the government to do as he says. Which is it? I think this might have been better explained in dialogue, because here it seems so heavy-handed. Something like "So Mr Green, with you out of the way the path to destroying/blackmailing the Pentagon will be clear. What do you think of my death ray"? or similar. You could also refer to previous encounters, adding maybe "We have tangled before" or, if he's a real supervillain, "Ve haf tangled before, yes?"

Quote:

Gluberg, however, proved to have the upper hand, catching the unsuspecting agent in an elaborate trap. Now Sam was secure in the giant contraption waiting for the bar holding the hammer to spring, thus sealing his fate.

Then the above becomes unnecessary. (Only kidding about highlighting contraption...)

Quote:

Gluberg looked at the helpless agent through his glass eye.

Why has he a glass eye? What's the point? If you mention something like that it should lead somewhere, as I'll suggest later it could.

Quote:

“In just five minutes the catch controlling the holding bar will release the hammer,

In red: You've virtually repeated this line within moments of each other. That was hardly necessary. If Gluberg has to speak and refer to the trap couldn't he say "In five minutes I will have disposed of you as easily as a mouse" or something?

Quote:

and within an instant, your head will be smashed into guacamole.” The bald-headed monster then let out a maniacal laugh as he prepared to take his leave. “I must depart now Mr. Green. Sweet Dreams.” Gluberg dropped a capsule, and vanished in a cloud of smoke.

Why would he say that? Goodbye forever, auf wiedersein, farewell etc would have made more sense.

Quote:

Sam was desperately left to his own devices. He was a clever agent who had been through similar death traps, always able to escape in the nick of time. Sam was confident that this would be no exception. As with other villains, Gluberg never thought to search Sam’s underwear.

In green: Other than the gay ones!

Also: you never mentioned he had been stripped, which I assume he has been, otherwise how does he get to his boxers? Despite the somewhat rambling description earlier (sorry) you never actually described how he is pinioned in the mousetrap. Don't assume people will know: you're concentrating on the less important points and missing out the ones that will make people ask "But....?"

Quote:

This is where Sam kept an emergency kit where he kept certain gadgets to assist in dire situations such as this. The agent looked at the clock on the wall. He had less than five minutes to escape.

I'm again sorry, but this is ridiculous. How much can you fit in YOUR underwear? Don't answer that. But the idea that anyone could keep such bulky items in their jockey shorts, well, again sorry but it's laughable and not at all believable.

Quote:

Sam was able to get his hands inside his underwear, and found his utility pouch. The crafty agent was able to retrieve his trusty pocket knife to cut the binds. He began to slice into the binds carefully with his fingers. Within seconds, it was obvious that the binds were too strong for the super sharp knife. Sam had to dig into his underwear to find another device that would untie him. He looked at the clock. There were three minutes left.

Sam retrieved a mini-blowtorch from his emergency kit. This had to work. He was able to set the flame, and aim it on the binds. The flames couldn’t penetrate the steely rope either. It did give the agent a pretty solid first degree burn, however. He dropped the blowtorch, and took another glance at the clock. Two minutes left.

I'm sorry, what? A mini blowtorch? You're really losing me now. That's just ludicrous.

Quote:

Sam still felt confident he could escape from this dastardly trap as he again reached for his emergency kit. This time he retrieved a special substance that could melt steel without hurting his hands. This had to be successful. Sam went to work, and somehow was able to pour the substance on the steel binds with his fingers. Within seconds smoke emerged from the steely binds. Sam took another look at the clock. Still ninety seconds left. Sam patiently waited for the liquid to work. He took another look at…..

In orange: Are you serious? This is a terrible deus ex machina, which simply allows you to solve the problem without thinking about it. You might as well have said "suddenly he was free". It's a woeful idea and a poor escape plot.

Quote:

Snap!

Gluberg returned to the scene of the crime with his cat Little Frisky. He looked at the mess that was once agent Sam Green. “I forgot to tell you Mr. Green. The clock was exactly one minute and twenty-two seconds too fast.” Gluberg took out his glass eye, and let out another maniacal laugh as he gloated over the splattered brains of Sam Green. “Goodbye, Mr. Green. Now the Pentagon is mine.”

Here's what I would have done. You mentioned Gluberg has a glass eye? Instead of a mini-blowtorch, say Green has a laser pen. He aims it at Gluberg, simultaneously temporarily blinding him and causing the laser to reflect back to him and cut the bonds, freeing him. It's still silly, but at least it's partially believable.

When I post my next story, I want you to try to tear it to shreds. See if you can. Maybe you can. But don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I don't think this above has that much to do with word restriction: the ending and the changes I suggest wouldn't have done much to change that. I think it just needed to be thought about more, instead of perhaps, as it seems you did, going with your first idea, which is not always the best thing to do.

rubber soul · 12-23-2017, 11:21 AM

That was a good critique, thanks.

I can explain the glass eye. The challenge always has a prompt. In this case, you had to include a glass eye somewhere in your story. That's why Gluberg has a glass eye, though I guess I could have had Green throw an explosive glass eye at him.

I do have a habit of repeating words. When I was trying to get a chapter critiqued, a guy mentioned that I used 'just' something like 23 times. Now, I panic every time I use that word somewhere.

Okay, I'm ready. I'm sure I'll find something. I usually concentrate mostly on grammar (and yes, I know about English vs. American spelling. If I'm unsure about a word, I'll check it out before I go kamikaze XD).

Thanks for the critique

Trollheart · 12-23-2017, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubber soul

That was a good critique, thanks.

I can explain the glass eye. The challenge always has a prompt. In this case, you had to include a glass eye somewhere in your story. That's why Gluberg has a glass eye, though I guess I could have had Green throw an explosive glass eye at him.

I do have a habit of repeating words. When I was trying to get a chapter critiqued, a guy mentioned that I used 'just' something like 23 times. Now, I panic every time I use that word somewhere.

Okay, I'm ready. I'm sure I'll find something. I usually concentrate mostly on grammar (and yes, I know about English vs. American spelling. If I'm unsure about a word, I'll check it out before I go kamikaze XD).

Thanks for the critique

Ah, I see. I did wonder about the glass eye. Personally (and again, this is just me) I would have thought outside the box, having his superweapon being some sort of malevolent glass eye that can concentrate a beam of focussed energy on ... well, yeah, that's me. Anyhoo, as to repeating words, I assume you own a Thesaurus? If not, there are online ones. I find them really helpful when I want to find an alternative to a word I've already used. Re-reading your stuff is also essential, as I'm sure you're aware; some of the stupidest mistakes have come to light for me just by simply reading over what I've written, and of course it's not good to write as you speak. I mean, I use the word "basically" a lot, or the phrase "in fairness" or "to be fair" but I try not to use them when writing. Glad you were able to take the advice on board.

As to my story, unfortunately Karen felt sick today and the emergency doctor services decided to shut down, so I was prepared for a trip to the hospital, but have sorted it out now I hope. It does mean though that I hadn't the time to write the new story, but I'll try to get some of it done today and hopefully finish it tomorrow (it's nowhere near as long as Waiting For That Day...) and I'll post it then. Interested to hear your comments (or anyone else's, of course).

rubber soul · 12-23-2017, 01:56 PM

I do a lot of re-reading actually. It's one reason you see a lot of edit notes in a lot of my posts.

I'm sorry to hear about Karen (Karen is your wife, right? I know you said something about a sister too). Anyway, I hope she feels better. Take your time with the story; I won't be going anywhere.

Trollheart · 12-23-2017, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubber soul

I do a lot of re-reading actually. It's one reason you see a lot of edit notes in a lot of my posts.

I'm sorry to hear about Karen (Karen is your wife, right? I know you said something about a sister too). Anyway, I hope she feels better. Take your time with the story; I won't be going anywhere.

Nah, Karen's my sister. No woman would put up with me so I'm not married.

She seems to be a lot better now anyway, just tired. At least we avoided a trip to the hospital. 12-16 hours to be told "Nah you're ok go home. You haven't transport? We'll organise an ambulance for you. What? Oh, anything up to ten hours."

Trollheart · 12-24-2017, 05:05 PM

I'm working on two now, one a horror involving (yay!) vampires, the other a science-fiction with a Twilight Zone type of twist to it. Tentatively, they're going to be called Check and Mate and The Quarry respectively, though I may change those titles. Probably post both after Christmas. Have a good one!

rubber soul · 12-25-2017, 03:36 AM

You too, Trolls. I started a Christmas thread as a trial balloon in Games. If that goes off well, I'll start the What Really Happened in Music thread. I might start doing reviews on really bad albums too next year.

In the meantime, you and Karen have a Merry Christmas and I await your next stories

Trollheart · 12-25-2017, 02:53 PM

Thanks, and you too.
I've changed the title of The Quarry already: now it's called The Ruins of Eden. I like this much more. I also have a third one on the go, it's called Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Planet! I'm keeping that one.

12-23-2017, 05:27 AM	#421 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,970	Okay, well first of all that story I wrote is okay but I doubt it is good enough to be published anywhere. My novels are still being written, nowhere near ready for publication in any form yet. Sure, self-publishing makes it easier these days but I'm not that familiar with how it works. I mentioned here before that I came across a company or site which would get me published for the "low price" of 800 dollars. I ain't got that. With my responsibilities being as they are, I don't have the time or energy to seek actual publication, and even if I did, what could I publish? Some short stories that probably would get rejected in the real world? I mostly post my writings here just to get feedback and see if it's as acceptable as I convince myself it is. I'm only two years younger than you, by the way. I'm not trying to be nasty or harsh, but as I said, if your writing is not up to scratch surely you'd want to know? I have pointers on your secret agent story that could make it better, or at least more believable or interesting, if you want them, but as I said, if you're just going to laugh off my advice (which is fine; you're entitled to do that but I just wouldn't personally when someone is trying to help you) then what's the point? Of course we're still friends. Nothing personal at all. Writer v Writer can be some of the most down-and-dirty, vicious deathmatches around, but it shouldn't impact friendships. I'm writing a story today which I'll hope to publish later. Feel free to tear it apart if you think it sucks. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

12-24-2017, 05:05 PM	#428 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,970	I'm working on two now, one a horror involving (yay!) vampires, the other a science-fiction with a Twilight Zone type of twist to it. Tentatively, they're going to be called Check and Mate and The Quarry respectively, though I may change those titles. Probably post both after Christmas. Have a good one! __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

12-25-2017, 02:53 PM	#430 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,970	Thanks, and you too. I've changed the title of The Quarry already: now it's called The Ruins of Eden. I like this much more. I also have a third one on the go, it's called Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Planet! I'm keeping that one. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018