The coming out thread - Take II

adidasss · 06-25-2011, 12:20 PM

Taking inspiration from The virgin's deceased thread, I thought it would be a good idea to make a thread where the LGBTQ community of this forum can share their experiences of coming out, so maybe someone who is reading this thread and is still struggling with their sexuality can find courage to do the same if they haven't already.

So I'll begin with my experience. It may be difficult to understand given my rather open attitude towards my sexuality for the majority of my residence at this forum but there was a time when my attitude was the complete opposite.

First of all, I have to say that I was a very late bloomer and hadn't really figured out my sexual preferences until I was in my late teens. I think the moment when I first realized without a doubt that I was attracted to men (or at least fully vocalized this realization) was when I was 17 or 18. I caught a very cute little British film on TV about two boys and their sexual blossoming and was extremely moved by what I saw, which was the first time I had ever seen a positive depiction of gay people and relationships.

I was actually quite shocked by the emotions it stirred up, given that I was raised in a very catholic family and was rather religious myself at the time. I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me and was determined not to let anyone know about it, for fear of rejection by my family, friends and society at large. Worse yet, I thought I could not just ignore it, but with enough determination, and as embarrassing as it sounds today, prayer, I thought I could change. You know, God wouldn't be so cruel and if I'm a very good boy, he would help me out and take these feelings away.

Well, that didn't happen of course. A lot of years passed in this sort of mind set, mostly me ignoring this part of my personality. But then, mostly through television, I began to be more and more exposed to positive examples of gay men and women, I saw a lot of people, not only in fictional TV shows and films, but also on talk shows, real people from my own country who didn't seem to have any problems with who they were and seemed quite well adjusted and guilt free. This helped spark a change in me and I started wondering if this wasn't such a horrible thing after all.

The first forum I ever joined was actually a gay Christians forum in early 2005. I know right, not so long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime. By the time I joined musicbanter I was already approaching the tipping point. I felt much more confident about who I was and telling people on line was the first and crucial step towards coming out in real life.

The first person I told in real life was a friend from highschool. I was too pussy to tell her in person, so I just dropped the bomb over msn. She took it really well. That gave me even more courage to tell other people. I joined a croatian gay forum in early 2006 and very soon after that I made the biggest (and to my mind the most corageous) step, I told my youngest sister, who is the most importaint person in my life and the person I love the most.

I sent her a text at 4am. I was absolutely petrified of her reaction. Those few hours before she replied were the longest and most harrowing of my life. At first she thought I was kidding but then she told me it was cool and that no matter what, I was still her best friend. The moment is still recorded on MB, as well as people's reactions which were uniformly positive. I'm very thankful to MB for being there in those moments...

Anyhow, after that it became progressively more easy to tell people, now that I had the support of the people I really cared about. In the meanwhile I've read a lot of very intelligent things from very smart people on my Croatian gay forum which helped transform me into the person I am today. This year I went to my second gay pride parade, I've told my coworkers and a bunch of other people.

The process is not finished though, I still haven't told my parents. I was waiting to become financially independent but it's still a difficult choice to make. I'm still dwelling on the positive and negative sides of telling them. On the one hand, it would be the final blow to the closet and I know I would finally be completely free to live my life to the fullest. On the other hand I have to prepare myself to their (almost certainly) dramatic and negative reactions. That day will come, however, regardless of the fallout. At the end of the day, they are my parents and they deserve to know.

So, anyone else willing to share, please do.

Paedantic Basterd · 06-25-2011, 12:24 PM

I will ask politely now that users refrain from desecrating a positive, thought-provoking thread, keep mockery of users who post here absolutely minimal, and move any flagrantly off-topic discussion to an appropriate locale.

Our gay community deserves a serious thread, and it would be spectacular to keep this thread from being trolled to the depths.

Thank you!

~~The Virgin~~ · 06-25-2011, 12:34 PM

i'm not yet out to my family, formally speaking, cause i do try to have a sort of 'normal' personality inside the house but at work, or when i was still at school, i flaunt everything. i do have brother and sisters but it's the very reason why i opted to go to school that's not the same as theirs. my parents wanted us to go the the same school. i can't because that would mean the same character restriction as i had at home.

now, i'm still living with my parents cause i'm the one supporting them but i still can't even think of opening up. my father kept on asking when can he have his grandson aka the III (3rd), cause i'm a Jr./junior u know. everytime he ask me that, i just smile. my father is already bed-ridden and using a weelchair because of his gout complications and it breaks my heart even more to see him in his state and asking a grandson from me and i know in my heart his wishes can never be materialized.

i can share lots and lots and lots of stories about me struggling being gay and all the hate i just went through but it may take too many pages. but i'm still hoping one day, the butterfly in me will emerge unterrified and strong. char!

Mykonos · 06-25-2011, 02:34 PM

I read both of your stories. They're quite touching and poignant in a way. I hope both of you will be able to break it to your parents and still be okay with them.

As for me, I've said before that I'm not LGBTQ in any way, but I do have one sexuality thing that I guess could be classed as 'coming out'. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable tellig this forum though, seeing as I've never told anyone, ever.

___ · 06-25-2011, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mykonos

As for me, I've said before that I'm not LGBTQ in any way, but I do have one sexuality thing that I guess could be classed as 'coming out'. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable telling this forum though, seeing as I've never told anyone, ever.

Well no matter what, this forum is going to respect you and people on here know the hardships and feelings about dealing with this. I know the idea of telling someone, online or not seems preposterous but you'll be surprised that it will help. I'm sure no one will force it out of you, it takes time and your own pace, but that's the reason this thread is here, a lot of people are willing to help you through anything as best as they can.

Mykonos · 06-25-2011, 03:05 PM

Argh, I have no idea why I'd do this, but why the hell not?

Okay, my 'coming out' thing is that I wish I was a girl. And I'm not talking getting a sex change and spending my adulthood as a woman, because that's not what I want. I wish more than anything that I'd been born and raised as a female and enjoyed my entire life as one, and I really have no idea why. I've felt it from an early age (I'd estimate about 7-8) and you would never guess it from looking at me, because I'm not the slightest bit feminine on the outside (and any feminine preferences and thoughts I've had have only been recent developments). In fact, my curse seems to be getting all the negative masculine traits in life while still not actually fitting in to the male side of the spectrum, while simultaneously being shunned from the female side because I look and sound like an ugly creep. So there you have it, the only massive secret I keep, and I've just splurged it out to you all. Thanks guys, I don't think I could call any of you friends or say that I know any of you at all, but it's great to have a place where I can actually admit what I've just said.

Paedantic Basterd · 06-25-2011, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mykonos

Argh, I have no idea why I'd do this, but why the hell not?

Okay, my 'coming out' thing is that I wish I was a girl. And I'm not talking getting a sex change and spending my adulthood as a woman, because that's not what I want. I wish more than anything that I'd been born and raised as a female and enjoyed my entire life as one, and I really have no idea why. I've felt it from an early age (I'd estimate about 7-8) and you would never guess it from looking at me, because I'm not the slightest bit feminine on the outside (and any feminine preferences and thoughts I've had have only been recent developments). In fact, my curse seems to be getting all the negative masculine traits in life while still not actually fitting in to the male side of the spectrum, while simultaneously being shunned from the female side because I look and sound like an ugly creep. So there you have it, the only massive secret I keep, and I've just splurged it out to you all. Thanks guys, I don't think I could call any of you friends or say that I know any of you at all, but it's great to have a place where I can actually admit what I've just said.

I'm not even remotely nonplussed by this. Perhaps this is because I've already experienced a friend undergoing the same realization of self, and consequently undergoing the life changes to apply it to their life best as possible. It was strange to get used to the idea, but ultimately, they are much happier living their life as they do now.

adidasss · 06-25-2011, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mykonos

Argh, I have no idea why I'd do this, but why the hell not?

Okay, my 'coming out' thing is that I wish I was a girl. And I'm not talking getting a sex change and spending my adulthood as a woman, because that's not what I want. I wish more than anything that I'd been born and raised as a female and enjoyed my entire life as one, and I really have no idea why. I've felt it from an early age (I'd estimate about 7-8) and you would never guess it from looking at me, because I'm not the slightest bit feminine on the outside (and any feminine preferences and thoughts I've had have only been recent developments). In fact, my curse seems to be getting all the negative masculine traits in life while still not actually fitting in to the male side of the spectrum, while simultaneously being shunned from the female side because I look and sound like an ugly creep. So there you have it, the only massive secret I keep, and I've just splurged it out to you all. Thanks guys, I don't think I could call any of you friends or say that I know any of you at all, but it's great to have a place where I can actually admit what I've just said.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Secrets can be a heavy load and I hope this has lightened yours a bit.

So you don't consider a sex change an option at all?

Btw, the T in LGBTQ stands for transgender, or people who feel their true gender doesn't match their biological one...

Mykonos · 06-25-2011, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by adidasss

So you don't consider a sex change an option at all?

Sadly nto, for various reasons. For one, I want to have lived my entire life as a girl, like I said. Secondly, I'm not in the slightest bit feminine physically, so the process wouldn't suit me at all. Thirdly, I'm not sure how exactly I'd adapt to somethig like that...

Anyway, thanks to everyone for being understanding. Now enough about my issues; I'll leave this for everyone else to express themselves.

___ · 06-25-2011, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mykonos

Secondly, I'm not in the slightest bit feminine physically, so the process wouldn't suit me at all. Thirdly, I'm not sure how exactly I'd adapt to somethig like that...

I think it shouldn't matter if physically not feminine, or think you don't appear to be. It's how you feel, and when you realize that and accept it, you'll see yourself in the mirror as feminine. You'll look past everything you see isn't right, right now. But thank you for sharing, truly it's brave. =]

06-25-2011, 12:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
adidasss Slavic gay sauce Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Abu Dhabi Posts: 7,993	The coming out thread - Take II Taking inspiration from The virgin's deceased thread, I thought it would be a good idea to make a thread where the LGBTQ community of this forum can share their experiences of coming out, so maybe someone who is reading this thread and is still struggling with their sexuality can find courage to do the same if they haven't already. So I'll begin with my experience. It may be difficult to understand given my rather open attitude towards my sexuality for the majority of my residence at this forum but there was a time when my attitude was the complete opposite. First of all, I have to say that I was a very late bloomer and hadn't really figured out my sexual preferences until I was in my late teens. I think the moment when I first realized without a doubt that I was attracted to men (or at least fully vocalized this realization) was when I was 17 or 18. I caught a very cute little British film on TV about two boys and their sexual blossoming and was extremely moved by what I saw, which was the first time I had ever seen a positive depiction of gay people and relationships. I was actually quite shocked by the emotions it stirred up, given that I was raised in a very catholic family and was rather religious myself at the time. I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me and was determined not to let anyone know about it, for fear of rejection by my family, friends and society at large. Worse yet, I thought I could not just ignore it, but with enough determination, and as embarrassing as it sounds today, prayer, I thought I could change. You know, God wouldn't be so cruel and if I'm a very good boy, he would help me out and take these feelings away. Well, that didn't happen of course. A lot of years passed in this sort of mind set, mostly me ignoring this part of my personality. But then, mostly through television, I began to be more and more exposed to positive examples of gay men and women, I saw a lot of people, not only in fictional TV shows and films, but also on talk shows, real people from my own country who didn't seem to have any problems with who they were and seemed quite well adjusted and guilt free. This helped spark a change in me and I started wondering if this wasn't such a horrible thing after all. The first forum I ever joined was actually a gay Christians forum in early 2005. I know right, not so long ago and yet it seems like a lifetime. By the time I joined musicbanter I was already approaching the tipping point. I felt much more confident about who I was and telling people on line was the first and crucial step towards coming out in real life. The first person I told in real life was a friend from highschool. I was too pussy to tell her in person, so I just dropped the bomb over msn. She took it really well. That gave me even more courage to tell other people. I joined a croatian gay forum in early 2006 and very soon after that I made the biggest (and to my mind the most corageous) step, I told my youngest sister, who is the most importaint person in my life and the person I love the most. I sent her a text at 4am. I was absolutely petrified of her reaction. Those few hours before she replied were the longest and most harrowing of my life. At first she thought I was kidding but then she told me it was cool and that no matter what, I was still her best friend. The moment is still recorded on MB, as well as people's reactions which were uniformly positive. I'm very thankful to MB for being there in those moments... Anyhow, after that it became progressively more easy to tell people, now that I had the support of the people I really cared about. In the meanwhile I've read a lot of very intelligent things from very smart people on my Croatian gay forum which helped transform me into the person I am today. This year I went to my second gay pride parade, I've told my coworkers and a bunch of other people. The process is not finished though, I still haven't told my parents. I was waiting to become financially independent but it's still a difficult choice to make. I'm still dwelling on the positive and negative sides of telling them. On the one hand, it would be the final blow to the closet and I know I would finally be completely free to live my life to the fullest. On the other hand I have to prepare myself to their (almost certainly) dramatic and negative reactions. That day will come, however, regardless of the fallout. At the end of the day, they are my parents and they deserve to know. So, anyone else willing to share, please do. __________________ “Think of what a paradise this world would be if men were kind and wise.” - Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle. Last.fm Last edited by adidasss; 06-25-2011 at 01:29 PM.

06-25-2011, 02:34 PM	#4 (permalink)
Mykonos AWhatup Ganache? Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 381	I read both of your stories. They're quite touching and poignant in a way. I hope both of you will be able to break it to your parents and still be okay with them. As for me, I've said before that I'm not LGBTQ in any way, but I do have one sexuality thing that I guess could be classed as 'coming out'. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable tellig this forum though, seeing as I've never told anyone, ever. __________________ 'Not that Becktionary, the Rhyming Becktionary!'- Bender Bending Rodriguez

06-25-2011, 03:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
Mykonos AWhatup Ganache? Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 381	Argh, I have no idea why I'd do this, but why the hell not? Okay, my 'coming out' thing is that I wish I was a girl. And I'm not talking getting a sex change and spending my adulthood as a woman, because that's not what I want. I wish more than anything that I'd been born and raised as a female and enjoyed my entire life as one, and I really have no idea why. I've felt it from an early age (I'd estimate about 7-8) and you would never guess it from looking at me, because I'm not the slightest bit feminine on the outside (and any feminine preferences and thoughts I've had have only been recent developments). In fact, my curse seems to be getting all the negative masculine traits in life while still not actually fitting in to the male side of the spectrum, while simultaneously being shunned from the female side because I look and sound like an ugly creep. So there you have it, the only massive secret I keep, and I've just splurged it out to you all. Thanks guys, I don't think I could call any of you friends or say that I know any of you at all, but it's great to have a place where I can actually admit what I've just said. __________________ 'Not that Becktionary, the Rhyming Becktionary!'- Bender Bending Rodriguez

06-25-2011, 12:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
Paedantic Basterd Music Addict Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 5,184	I will ask politely now that users refrain from desecrating a positive, thought-provoking thread, keep mockery of users who post here absolutely minimal, and move any flagrantly off-topic discussion to an appropriate locale. Our gay community deserves a serious thread, and it would be spectacular to keep this thread from being trolled to the depths. Thank you!

06-25-2011, 12:34 PM	#3 (permalink)
~~The Virgin~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Cebu, Philippines Posts: 677	i'm not yet out to my family, formally speaking, cause i do try to have a sort of 'normal' personality inside the house but at work, or when i was still at school, i flaunt everything. i do have brother and sisters but it's the very reason why i opted to go to school that's not the same as theirs. my parents wanted us to go the the same school. i can't because that would mean the same character restriction as i had at home. now, i'm still living with my parents cause i'm the one supporting them but i still can't even think of opening up. my father kept on asking when can he have his grandson aka the III (3rd), cause i'm a Jr./junior u know. everytime he ask me that, i just smile. my father is already bed-ridden and using a weelchair because of his gout complications and it breaks my heart even more to see him in his state and asking a grandson from me and i know in my heart his wishes can never be materialized. i can share lots and lots and lots of stories about me struggling being gay and all the hate i just went through but it may take too many pages. but i'm still hoping one day, the butterfly in me will emerge unterrified and strong. char!