Dear Chula, [advice column]
 

Seeing as I'm quite a bit older than the vast majority of the members here I'm going to offer up my deep well of life experience to those who wish to ask advice or seek life guidance.

Queries should start with "Dear Chula", and for the sake of anonymity, please refrain from using your real username, and instead, sign off with a nom de plume.



[disclamier]: I'm a dude. And although I've never actually owned a vagina, I've spent sufficient time in the company of one to be more than adequately qualified to pass along pearls of wisdom to the better half of the forum membership.

Fire away!

Dear Papi Chula,

Should I retro fit Gibson pickups into an Epiphone Les Paul guitar? Is it worth the time and effort?

Seamus O'Shaughnessy-McGillicuddy

Dear Seamus O'Shaughnessy-McGillicuddy,

Which Gibby pups? Not a fan of their pickups for the most part. This is an excellent replacement pup for an LP style guitar.

PAF® 36th Anniversary Bridge | DiMarzio

All the best,

Chula

Dear Chula,

How does not signing my forum username help me achieve anonymity?

Regards,
The Batlord

Dear The....

Dear The Bat.....

Dear The Batlor......

I can't do it.

Dear Troublemaker,

Just get in the damn spirit of things, ok?

Sim Sala Bim,

Chula

Dear Chula,

I had a tooth which was constantly hurting me. However, after I pulled it out a minute ago, it hurt even more. Why is this.

Regards,
J. Smith

Dear Chula

Are you scared of Batlord?
Do you feel intimidated by him?
Have you had an unfortunate experience with a bat?

The Batlord

Dear J. Smith,

Next time don't use an ice skate.

Dumbass.

Cordially,

Chula

Dear Space Monkey,




***crickets***

Gibson '57 Classic Plus Pickup Gold. I bought them sorta at a reduced price, and I think they are both bridge p-ups or recommend for bridge p-ups.

The 57s are actually really good. Not sure how a bridge one will sound in the neck position. Maybe pop in here for some good advice:

Les Paul Forum

Dear Chula,

I need a sacrifice for my Jimmy Page shrine, and in the manual, it says I need someone who is the biggest Page fan in existence, do you know anyone who would fit that description? If so, can you have him send me an email at areyoufkingkiddingme@buttmail.net

Thanks,
Ki

Dear Papi Chula,

I belong to a music forum and I'm afraid no one can answer this question because it involves something they are not familiar with or too young to know what they are. My question is: when I file away my CDs, should I file solo artist right after the band they come from or where they fall alphabetically? Should greatest hits be filed after studio albums, or when they are released in respects to other albums? What do you do with compilations and tribute albums? Should The Derek Trucks Band be filed in with the Ds or the Ts?

Seamus O'Shaughnessy-McGillicuddy

Dear Chula,

Some dude told me there was music outside of the Billboard Top 10. I'm having a hard time believing this. He said it was only the "most popular" songs that showed up on the Billboard lists. But if there is other music out there, wouldn't it be really ****? He also mentioned a band called "Lead Zapaspleen" or something. What a stupid name.

Regards, Bill Clinton

Dear Chula,

Why don't you write a journal? I think you'd be very good at it.

Best regards

Someone who is definitely not Trollheart.

Dear Ki,

Since you already failed at the mission by using your real username... NO SOUP FOR YOU.

Regretfully,

Chula

Dear Seamus O'Shaughnessy-McGillicuddy,

The easy answer is to file away by the date of release.

I did this once with the over 300 albums I owned and 1973 was the big winner by far.

11/9/14

Chula

Dear Willie,

Did ya know that in 1975, Lead Zapaspleen became the first band to have six albums in the Billboard top 200 at the same time? Physical Graffiti was also the first album to go platinum on advance orders alone.

Oh so Zoso,

Chula

Dear SWIDNT,

Not sure I'm long winded enough. Food for thought though.

Bub Bye,

Chula

You don't need to be long-winded to start a journal. Most of my entries are pretty brief.

Not only him. Case in point: one album review Urban made consisted of the word "shit" only. He later amended this to "Really shit" and then "No, really really shit." See? You can say it in a few words. ;)

Seriously, I think it would be something you'd be really good at.

Cheers.

Someone who definitely is not Trollheart, but sure sounds like him ... and is apparently using his credit card...

Dear SWDISNTBSSLHAIAUHCC,

I've submitted a journal entry and am awaiting mod approval.

It's a bit on the heavier side so I'm not sure if it's going to fly.

HKJHKRBVKUBWKRBCKW,

Chula

Dear Chulio,

I'm having trouble figuring out a Jason Becker song. I mean, I can throw my guitar down the stairs and it makes a similar sound, but I want to learn how to play it exactly like it sounds on the record. Any advise?

Signed: Paul Gilbert

Dear Paul,

Why not do the same thing you did at that NAMM jam many years back when you had the daunting task of having to follow Shawn Lane's solo - just scream into your pickups. (true story)

http://www.rebbeach.com/photo_galler...ds/MF_lg_8.jpg

Faithfully yours,
Don Chulio

Dear Chulio,

Thats pretty ****in funny.

Signed: Bloody Stumps

Dear Stumps,

FF to 5:25 to get to Lane's solo. Check out the looks on the faces of Reb Beach and Andy Timmons! Paul Gilbert immediately follows Lane.

(crappy video and audio but still cool that it's documented)

Dear Chula,

When I put my face into the mustard jar and take a deep breath, my nose starts hurting like hell. Why is that?

-Gooflesh10

Dear -Gooflesh10

Well, the long answer is:

The material in question is called ALLYL ISOTHIOCYANATE. Roughly, it looks
like this:

CH2==CH-CH2-N==C==S

It is usually found in "hot" mustard and in horseradish. It is an oily
compound that vaporizes rather easily (vapor pressure 5 mm Hg at 25 deg C).
Like the "hot oils" found in peppers, which are generally capsaicins and
related compounds, allyl isothiocyanate is very irritating to mucous
membranes, and for some reason many of us like it. The difference, though,
is in its volatility, which is to say, how fast it vaporizes on your tongue.

When you chew spicy food the oil is released. Capsaicins are not very
volatile and thus tend to stick to your tongue. That is why Mexican food
and other pepper-spicy foods mostly burn the tongue and throat. Allyl
isothiocyanate evaporates more readily on your tongue and floats its way up
into your sinuses (yes, as a gas), which is why both your mouth and nose
burn when you eat something with horseradish or mustard in it.

The short answer is:

You're an idiot.

Adios,

Chula

Dear Chula,

How does one stop a ****ty day from getting worse!?

Dear

Stop and realize that no one is going to die today because of your actions or in-actions.

I assume that this is a true statement?



It is, isn't it?




Roxy?



ROXY???????

O Wise Chula,

I'm a single, lonely man who meets a lot of interesting people, and have the option of banging a really hot chick who has a penis, or a bodybuilding hairy man with a vagina. Which would better maintain my heterosexual persuasion?

Sincerely,

Dennis Reynolds

Dear Dennis,

Best bet would be to hook both of them up for some sweaty grinding on a faux leather loveseat and then you just film them from a safe distance.

In black and white of course using soft focus.

Gotta stay classy.

Waiting on a sex tape,

Chula

nope, no body count yet, yet...

Chula's advise for the day.

a) Staying really angry at someone is basically letting them live rent free inside of your head. Let it (them) go.

b) Did you kill anyone today? No? Then it was a good day. Years back I use to take my work home and let it eat me up. Then a story broke about SUV tires exploding and people dying in crashes. Seems a tire QC guy somewhere was alerted that a batch of tires were not so good. He made the decision to ship them anyway and people died.

In the moment it took to read the story my job all of a sudden became pretty f*cking menial.

c) Whether you know it or not there's people somewhere who really love you and would be absolutely shattered if you were no longer here. Like knife in the gut shattered. Think about that every day. And then reach out to them and talk.

Uh oh, I guess it's been a bad day. A slow and painful bad day in my basement.

Dear Chula,

I listened to Watain, and now my earwax is jet black. Should I see a doctor?

-Gilbert Grape

Dear Gilbert,

Just change your avatar to something cool and everything will be ok.

din avatar är inte bra

Waiting on a better avatar

Chula

Dear Chula,

Did you just speak Elvish?

Sincerely,
Toucan Sam

Dear Toucan,

You ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Chula

Dear Chula,

Is spit the best lube?

Sincerely,
O-face