Bro you're an old guy in a Winnebago and your nearest neighbors are weird old people and coyotes. Sit on your god damn soon-to-be-patio and chill in some comfortable ****ing shorts.

Well said Charles.

I'm weighing options.

Or go all the way and sit out there in a thong like a real man.

I spent a lot of time in Sligo and the Burren when I lived in Somerville. I'll never forget the time me and my friend ordered buttery nipples in Sligo and the old guy behind the bar just gave us two shots of sambuca.

And pump your crotch muscles whenever any middle age hotties walk by.

nasty flashback alert!

So, awesome Italian place right across the street. Been there the last 3 days working my way through their menu. Killer, so far.

Walked in today and was greeted by a spectacular long haired young blond. (let me preface by saying it's so much easier to flirt with girls if you have no physical intentions)

After I was seated for a bit and placed my order I decided to add a spicy Bloody Mary. (where the hell did that name derive from?) Walk up to the bar, order, and then tell her I think her hair is beautiful. (it really is). She gushes and says "thanks".

Then ask her if it's all hers. Hair extensions have been the major rave for many years now. She very proudly proclaims it's all her. She's been working on it for many, many years. Another compliment and a mention about the fact my kid owns a salon so I know about all that ****.

A little more chit chat and then I tell her about this:



Edit to 3:25 if you're impatient.

"You have so much fake hair, that if you commit a crime, the CSI lab would probably convict some Ukrainian girl."

She cracked up so bad I think she may have pissed herself a little bit. Bat, contain yourself.

It's the little things.

All I wanna know wuz you flirtin with someone your wife's age or your daughter's age. “Enquiring minds want to know.”

Flirting is flirting. If you got the charisma, use it every chance you get.