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Old 11-25-2020, 01:05 PM   #481 (permalink)
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God some of you have such a black and white view on the matter. (I am looking at you elph.) Obviously it depends on the person. Don't write off an entire person because they have an abusive past. I have met countless people who are incredibly mature, self-aware, well-adjusted and empathetic who had horrific childhoods and/or an abusive ex-spouse or whatever. And plenty of people with idyllic childhoods who experienced no great misfortune/abuse yet are garbage, bitter, toxic people.
It depends on so many things. Obviously yes some young person in their early 20s with a string of abusive/vaguely-abusive exes may not yet have the self-awareness and emotional maturity (and therapy etc) needed to not keep falling into the same roles/dynamic and getting retraumatized and revictimized repeatedly, but that's partly to be expected because at that age you're still basically a baby.

Also!!! If one has actually BEEN in an abusive relationship, you'd know that the abusive person often seems totally charming and normal at first! They have to reel people in somehow, duh. They don't become unhinged right off the bat usually. And when you're young you aren't as good as listening to your intuition, especially if you have low self esteem already, which makes it even easier to be reeled in by those types despite alarms going off deep in your reptile brain.
I'm not advocating for writing anyone off, damaged people should be friends
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:07 PM   #482 (permalink)
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I'm not advocating for writing anyone off, damaged people should be friends
Are you trying to troll?
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:09 PM   #483 (permalink)
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Since when did men stop getting beat up and ****?
who knows whence cometh the original *******, but it's usually a web of the traumatized becoming the traumatizer
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:12 PM   #484 (permalink)
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I don't feel patronized at all, I'm just communicating that I don't like it. I think you can have a dialogue about pretty much anything without offering unsolicited advice. I was really just curious what others would have to say, but it turned into me having to clarify misinterpreted information about the girl I'm seeing. I thought I worded my question in a way that made it clear it was about comparing opinions, not seeking advice. It's all good, I'm just setting that boundary.
Of course, I know that offering unsolicited advice is generally not a good idea. This place doesn't bring out the most subtle communication skills in people though. Cheers for setting boundaries.

@everyone, keep it cool
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I want to open a school for MB's lost boys and teach them basic coping skills and build up their self esteem and strengthen their emotional intelligence and teach them about vegetables and institutionalized racism and sexism and then they'll all build a bronze statue of me in my honor and my bronzed titties will forever be groped by the grubby paws of you ****ing whiny pathetic white boys.
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:13 PM   #485 (permalink)
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Are you trying to troll?
man's bitter

I'm not about to MGTOW or something though

women are great
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:14 PM   #486 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by goldendoodle View Post
God some of you have such a black and white view on the matter. (I am looking at you elph.) Obviously it depends on the person. Don't write off an entire person because they have an abusive past. I have met countless people who are incredibly mature, self-aware, well-adjusted and empathetic who had horrific childhoods and/or an abusive ex-spouse or whatever. And plenty of people with idyllic childhoods who experienced no great misfortune/abuse yet are garbage, bitter, toxic people.
It depends on so many things. Obviously yes some young person in their early 20s with a string of abusive/vaguely-abusive exes may not yet have the self-awareness and emotional maturity (and therapy etc) needed to not keep falling into the same roles/dynamic and getting retraumatized and revictimized repeatedly, but that's partly to be expected because at that age you're still basically a baby.

Also!!! If one has actually BEEN in an abusive relationship, you'd know that the abusive person often seems totally charming and normal at first! They have to reel people in somehow, duh. They don't become unhinged right off the bat usually. And when you're young you aren't as good as listening to your intuition, especially if you have low self esteem already, which makes it even easier to be reeled in by those types despite alarms going off deep in your reptile brain.
Very well reasoned and expressed, and I absolutely agree. This is what happened to me with my ex-husband, who I met and married while quite young. The "reeling-in" you describe was very gradual; he came off extremely caring at first and I was inexperienced. I believe he saw my vulnerabilities (rooted in childhood) from a mile away.
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:29 PM   #487 (permalink)
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man's bitter

I'm not about to MGTOW or something though

women are great
Stop being bitter. Just because a woman has been abused doesn’t mean she’s gonna love you just because you don’t abuse her. Now I know you ain’t said that but when I read your original comment about “damaged goods” and then “man’s bitter” it’s not a good look man.

But I think you’re a good dude and you’d never be abusive. That’s why I want you to hear me on this one. Don’t be thinking you know what a woman is today because you know something about her yesterdays. You ought to trust me on this one.
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:39 PM   #488 (permalink)
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But I think you’re a good dude and you’d never be abusive. That’s why I want you to hear me on this one. Don’t be thinking you know what a woman is today because you know something about her yesterdays. You ought to trust me on this one.
I wouldn't abuse nobody

but I've been supah naive about this

you're not gonna mend someone, man or woman
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Old 11-25-2020, 01:46 PM   #489 (permalink)
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nobody's claiming you can mend someone, but people can mend themselves. come on.
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I want to open a school for MB's lost boys and teach them basic coping skills and build up their self esteem and strengthen their emotional intelligence and teach them about vegetables and institutionalized racism and sexism and then they'll all build a bronze statue of me in my honor and my bronzed titties will forever be groped by the grubby paws of you ****ing whiny pathetic white boys.
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Old 11-25-2020, 03:09 PM   #490 (permalink)
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All the damsels, all the distress

Isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?
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I know what real life is, I've been living in it for well over a decade
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