Crowe's Songwriting Collection

TrampInaTux · 09-10-2006, 10:02 AM

Well we all have different strong points and for me it's harder to connect with my emotions in a song.

Looch · 09-10-2006, 10:11 AM

this is amazing

IrishWhiskey · 09-11-2006, 07:52 PM

wow...

DontRunMeOver · 09-21-2006, 06:34 AM

Now just to ruin it slightly for everybody...

The presence of both of these two lines from the first section

...Laying in bed this morning laughing a little...
...I sit you down and begin to paint the...

Doesn't strictly make sense, in terms of the physical situation. If two people are laying in bed together, one wouldn't then typically 'sit the other person down' to tell them something, because they're already laying down. You sit somebody down in they're standing up, not if they're laying down.

At the end you say something like

"and although you are holding me now" which would suggest that you are being embraced, which would just be (in a physical sense, again) more convinient if both characters were still laying on the bed together. Or maybe you should 'sit her up' at the beginning, i.e. sat upon, cross-legged on the bed. But then you'd have to say 'I sit you up' at the beginning, which sounds more like something a nurse does for an invalid. Its your call what you do with it!

That's the only problem I found.

Crowe · 09-21-2006, 10:45 PM

Well, hopefully you didn't ruin it for anyone because the song's focus isn't whether one person is laying down or sitting up

. The lyrics do not paint an impossible situation, however, in fact it's very possible... as this story was based on an actual event.

I was laying in bed as she was getting dressed.

So when the time came I sat her down and made up something pretty horrible, just to joke with her... which was a bad idea, because she took it seriously....women!

And then she hugged me as I started saying some sad things - while we were sitting on the bed.

The same thing applies to the song. In order for this to not make sense you would have to assume the positions of the people instead of following the narrative of the lyrics. Also, it seems you assumed that one position has to be held during the entirety of the poem/song. But like a story, since this is a story... people tend to move. You essentially had to create a scene in your mind where both of the people were stuck in their positions.

So, this situation doesn't make sense... if you make it not make sense.

I'll give it a once over to see if a change needs to be made though.

EDIT: Added "As I'm watching you dress".

DontRunMeOver · 09-22-2006, 02:56 AM

Hey, if you provide the chance for something to not make sense, I will make it not make sense!

Its even better now, as before there was something I wasn't sure about at the beginning, which made me feel like the poem was sort of treading water until it reached the second section. I think it was because of the ambiguity created by the "laying in bed this morning" phrase, which didn't make it clear who was laying in bed, which in turn made it sound more fictional at the beginning. The line you added brings it straight into focus, so now its wicked all the way through, rather than the delayed awesomeness which it read with previously.

Crowe · 09-22-2006, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver

Hey, if you provide the chance for something to not make sense, I will make it not make sense!.

A...Er.... But if...

Touche, salesman :-D

I realized that it didn't make sense after looking at it again, before adding the new line...

merci, drmo. NOW WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DO OUR SONG???

DontRunMeOver · 09-22-2006, 05:06 PM

Thanks for the reminder. I'll record the song on the same day I record my new song (which I have to do the 2nd verse lyric for still) which will be after I get back from Denmark and Cornwall... which will be in about two weeks time. I'm going in a few days and am extra busy until then.

I wrote the tune for it about a month ago, but with moving house all of the equipment for recording wasn't available for a while.

Crowe · 10-13-2006, 08:06 PM

Failing At First, I Look Twice

Wish I didn't see them every day,
A young latino mother and her three kids,
And daddy has gone, gone away.
I always feel sorry, I always feel bad.

But whenever I see them, they don't look so sad.
Where do they find the strength?
How do they carry on, with their
Second hand clothing and holes in their shoes?
It must be the mother, oh mommy dear!
How does she keep pushing them with,
A smile from ear to ear? It must be the
Pride that swells on their insides,
It must be the love I see in their eyes.
Perhaps their life is better than mine?
They are holding hands across the street,
And my own is as empty as can be.
They sing songs about life and the sun.
And I write about death, and love unsung.

Wish I didn't see them every day.
A young latino mother and her three kids.
And daddy has gone, gone away.
I always feel sorry, I always feel bad.

They are laughing, yeah they have smiles,
I watch them eating for a little while.
Rarely do I see a tear, a sob or a frown.
This little family though they seem so far gone,
Are getting wrinkles from happiness and a,
Life worth living, they get up for each other,
They sleep for one another, and as I sit,
On a park bench holding my Neitzsche, I am
As invisible as a ghost, a spectating spectre,
A lonely inspector, I guess a tear rolled down my cheek.
The littlest one, Carlos, makes his way to me,
"Senor, I see you are sad, just remember you're alive."
He pulls on my pant leg with worry in his eyes.
He hands me a dandelion, and runs back to,
His mother, who nods in my direction, a smile,
To a stranger? It must be the mother, mommy dear.

Wish I could see them every day.
A young latino mother and her three kids.
And daddy has gone, gone away.
I always feel happy, I always feel glad.

It must be the mother,
It must be the love,
It must be the absence,
Of material things,
It must be the songs,
Those which they sing.
It must be the mother...
It must be the mother...
It must be the mother...

sleepy jack · 10-13-2006, 08:11 PM

"Senior, I see you are sad, just remember you're alive."

I like that bit, the senior part is nice touch. Its good.

09-21-2006, 10:45 PM	#175 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	Well, hopefully you didn't ruin it for anyone because the song's focus isn't whether one person is laying down or sitting up . The lyrics do not paint an impossible situation, however, in fact it's very possible... as this story was based on an actual event. I was laying in bed as she was getting dressed. So when the time came I sat her down and made up something pretty horrible, just to joke with her... which was a bad idea, because she took it seriously....women! And then she hugged me as I started saying some sad things - while we were sitting on the bed. The same thing applies to the song. In order for this to not make sense you would have to assume the positions of the people instead of following the narrative of the lyrics. Also, it seems you assumed that one position has to be held during the entirety of the poem/song. But like a story, since this is a story... people tend to move. You essentially had to create a scene in your mind where both of the people were stuck in their positions. So, this situation doesn't make sense... if you make it not make sense. I'll give it a once over to see if a change needs to be made though. EDIT: Added "As I'm watching you dress". __________________

10-13-2006, 08:06 PM	#179 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	"Failing At First, I Look Twice" Failing At First, I Look Twice Wish I didn't see them every day, A young latino mother and her three kids, And daddy has gone, gone away. I always feel sorry, I always feel bad. But whenever I see them, they don't look so sad. Where do they find the strength? How do they carry on, with their Second hand clothing and holes in their shoes? It must be the mother, oh mommy dear! How does she keep pushing them with, A smile from ear to ear? It must be the Pride that swells on their insides, It must be the love I see in their eyes. Perhaps their life is better than mine? They are holding hands across the street, And my own is as empty as can be. They sing songs about life and the sun. And I write about death, and love unsung. Wish I didn't see them every day. A young latino mother and her three kids. And daddy has gone, gone away. I always feel sorry, I always feel bad. They are laughing, yeah they have smiles, I watch them eating for a little while. Rarely do I see a tear, a sob or a frown. This little family though they seem so far gone, Are getting wrinkles from happiness and a, Life worth living, they get up for each other, They sleep for one another, and as I sit, On a park bench holding my Neitzsche, I am As invisible as a ghost, a spectating spectre, A lonely inspector, I guess a tear rolled down my cheek. The littlest one, Carlos, makes his way to me, "Senor, I see you are sad, just remember you're alive." He pulls on my pant leg with worry in his eyes. He hands me a dandelion, and runs back to, His mother, who nods in my direction, a smile, To a stranger? It must be the mother, mommy dear. Wish I could see them every day. A young latino mother and her three kids. And daddy has gone, gone away. I always feel happy, I always feel glad. It must be the mother, It must be the love, It must be the absence, Of material things, It must be the songs, Those which they sing. It must be the mother... It must be the mother... It must be the mother... __________________

09-10-2006, 10:02 AM	#171 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Well we all have different strong points and for me it's harder to connect with my emotions in a song.

09-10-2006, 10:11 AM	#172 (permalink)
Looch Groupie Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: New York Posts: 13	this is amazing

09-11-2006, 07:52 PM	#173 (permalink)
IrishWhiskey Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 48	wow...