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Old 12-31-2005, 09:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Stuff That Isn't Light

It lacks something, I need some HELPFUL critism...
---
Kingdom of Mirrors
There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light
'Cause you can't be seen or heard
No one cares what you've done
No one cares of who you are
Because they're all damned like you


You feel like you could just drop and sleep
Anywhere you wish
You could close your eyes and die

You can't float up
you can only float down
'Cause there's something pushing from the sky's
And pulling from the ground.

But it won't be too bad
the judgement is done
The others don't car of what you've done
They're all you
It's a Kingdom of Mirrors

There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light
'Cause You can't be seen or heard
No one cares what you've done
No one cares of who you are...
Because they're all damned like you.

It's a Kingdom of Mirrors.

---

Thanks Crazy for the lines in bold.
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Old 01-01-2006, 12:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It's boring.
"Depending on what you did"
Doesn't fit at all, I suppose it makes sense, but it disrupts the flow.
The words are also bland, and it lacks imagery.
It looks more like a paragraph then a poem/song.
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Old 01-01-2006, 12:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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General is often bad. If you don't explain things no one will pay attention. I don't care who you're writing for, but rock critics and lit professors are all going to say this very same thing; we want to know

1. Why is there a comfort, what kind of comfort is it.

2. Why doesn't anyone care?

3. Why either black or white? Why not other colors? Why not both.

"Depending on what you did" is not what you want at all. That leave everything before it completly subject to change.

Its like "hey all this **** could happen...depends on what you did, if its the wrong thing, well...just disregard everythign you jsut read."

When I hear Bob Dylan's "tangled up in blue" and he says he's leant a bok of poetry, I know what century that poetrys from, and I know his reaction to it. I don't need to know who wrote it, because it's probably negligible, he gave me information though to show why its pertenant to the story.

Now if you read the lyrics to something less specific like Lonly Day by SOAD
"The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
A day that Ill never miss
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life"

Well you decide which song writer you want to be associated with more.
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Old 01-01-2006, 02:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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why oh why did he have a lonely day??? explain it damn it
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A blindness that touches perfection
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Old 01-01-2006, 04:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by madeinNY
I need some HELPFUL critism...
OK , this looks like practically every other lyrics thread in this damn forum.

If you want to write stuff aim high , write about how you see things , put a personal slant on it don`t just resort to every single cliche ever written.

Have some BIG ideas & stop wasting your time writing cliched ridden wank like this.
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Old 01-01-2006, 06:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I didn't mean it to be cliched
It's a song about dying in your sleep and going to heaven or hell....I was hoping someone would get that.
Thanks for your critism, non the less.
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Old 01-01-2006, 07:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Please see revised song.^^^^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban
stop wasting your time writing cliched ridden wank like this.
I've writen 3 songs before this that were totally original and that people liked, you might wanna check them out, The Wives, The Bitter, Not In My Cards. They're in the songwriting forums.
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Old 01-01-2006, 08:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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you need to explain what going on, because it confuses the reader.

These are the parts i think are needed to be fixed, expressed, or explained more:
Quote:
No one cares what you've done
They're all damned like you.
No one knows who or where you are
Quote:
You could close your eyes and die
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Old 01-01-2006, 08:16 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks Crazy for your critism
It's about hell..can't people infer that?....what was your first impression on what this song is about?
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Old 01-01-2006, 08:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light
'Cause you can't be seen or heard
No one cares what you've done
Because they're all damned like you
No one knows who or where you are
this sounded like you were..how do i put this...like all these people where on judgment day, & god or whoever was deciding if you were to go to hell or heaven, & you were one of the many who knew that they were damned to hell. No one knows who or where you are part, you could of said "no one there cares of who you are" or something, because it didnt make sense for the where.

Quote:
You feel like you could just drop and sleep
Anywhere you wish
You could close your eyes and die
this sounds like it was just added, it doesnt make sense to me. maybe im not reading this in the right "frame of mind"

Quote:
When you open them
You'll see either black or white
Depending on who you are.
at first i was like...huh, but then i got it, hell or heaven.
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