|01-20-2006, 09:21 AM||#1 (permalink)|
The Forums Sadistic Ghost
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night
Reflections of the past
When the Tepid winds are blowing
My thoughts grow chilled and knowing
With many a thought of the coming
And the past that is a nothing
But a long and lingering thought
Of that which is remenicing
Of that which I am missing
Of the forgotten days of yore
And many old tales of lore
Of many a hidden trove
Of many a tale of love
When the cold winds blowing
And when they were knowing
Of their tragic ends rove
I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash.
|01-20-2006, 10:26 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2005
Eh, not a great poem, not a bad poem. You are having vocabulary problems again - You go from Tepid winds to chilled thoughts. Now assuming you are going with the temperature form of "tepid" you lose consistency with the chilled thoughts, if you were talking about "tepid" in a metaphorical sense, then you still have chilled there which would confuse a reader. Tepid means lukewarm, room temperature- Chilled is obviously somewhat cold.
Now you may or may not have meant to do this, I can only assume you didn't judging by your writings in other threads, but Trove and Love do not sound the same...
the O in trove is the same sound as the O in blow
as where the...
O in love is similar to the O in above
You seemed to be doing couplet rhyming, or some wierd and outdated poem rhyming scheme.
Rove as the last word in the last line just isn't working out like you want it to. I see what you're trying to do, but it just isn't correct there.
"many old tales of lore" is redundant. Lore is generally accepted as old.
Just eh, right now you are trying too hard to rhyme and fit in vocabulary that you aren't real familiar with. It's obvious and distracting. Keep on truckin' though. Read some other people's stuff and perhaps you will get a better understanding of poetry.