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03-11-2006, 07:59 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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angel of tragic days
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 924
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Angers Lie's
Hey you over there with the long hair
Will you lean over here and tell me your fears Answer my question, was I wrong? All I wanted was for you to see You were the only thing that meant anything to me I tried... I couldn’t see past your fucking eyes You whispered softly in my ears Replacing love with your desperate fears I swore to you I wouldn’t leave I made a promise that I would always keep Never once did I question you I always believed the words you said Just like I believed you took no one else to bed As if I couldn’t walk any more I ran across the wooden floors I screamed at you I pushed you away I made you feel like trash that day As if I could ever do such a thing It was a dream just like every meaningful thing you ever said ---------wrote last year--------- |
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03-12-2006, 04:31 AM
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#3 (permalink) |
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that's my war face.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,418
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This song is awful. 'Hey there you with the long hair' really sets the tone for the overall weakness of this song. The rhyming scheme goes off balance within the middle of the song, and then totally fades away towards the end. I'm sorry, but I think it's back to the drawing board for you..
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03-12-2006, 07:57 AM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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They call me Tundra Boy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
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Its not awful. She gets the point across clearly, while still making it rhyme and the fact that the rhyming scheme changes isn't a problem if its a mid-section, with a different vocal melody and rhythm.
Two things you should change are: 1. A lot of the individual phrases. Currently you get the point across, but its all a bit ugly, clumsy and unpoetic. This counts for a lot of the lines, so I'd suggest just look at each of them individually and see if you can alter them, one at a time even, to give them more style. 2. You use the word 'I' way, way too much. Written down, it visually stands out, like pimples on the face of the lyric. When its sung, as it isn't used as a hookline and doesn't seem to be used in a particularly rhythmic way, it sounds very repetitive. Not in a good way. The song is about you and somebody else, but that doesn't mean that you have to keep saying 'I' the whole way through though.
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03-12-2006, 05:06 PM
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#7 (permalink) |
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Don't think twice
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: A basement on the hill
Posts: 352
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yeah that hair line is so cliche. lots of people have long hair. and maybe lose the swearing as well. it seems to early in the song. maybe stick it later in the song, give it more powerful delivery.
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Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation |
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03-15-2006, 06:27 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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a l'amou fou pou tout
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
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Hey you over there with the long hair
Will you lean over here and tell me your fears Answer my question, was I wrong? All I wanted was for you to see That you are the only thing that meant anything to me I tried... I couldn’t see past your ****ing eyes You whispered softly in my ears Replacing love with your desperate fears I swore to you I wouldn’t leave I made a promise that I would always keep Never once did I question you I always believed the words you said Just like I believed you took no one else to bed As if I couldn’t walk no more I stumbled across that wooden floor I screamed at you..and pushed you away I made you feel like trash that day As if I could ever do such a thing It was a dream just like every meaningful thing you ever said red i liked italized is what i think it should be like regular needs to be reworded some how green i dont get purple, you made a desperate jump from one buiding to the other, and didnt make it, but i still like(and get) what you are saying theres something else that needs to be done badly, but i dont know how to explain it edit: maybe make the stanzas link more to each other |
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03-15-2006, 07:01 PM
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#9 (permalink) | |
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angel of tragic days
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 924
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03-15-2006, 07:35 PM
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#10 (permalink) |
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a l'amou fou pou tout
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 355
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Never once did I question you
I always believed the words you said Just like I believed you took no one else to bed Never once did i question you Always believed the words you said But most of all i believed That you slept with no one but me or something...i dont know... can you explain the lines i highlighted with green |
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