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Old 05-08-2006, 04:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Luv
The complaint is about whatever the reader wants it to be. Maybe i should change I into You
That sounds like a good idea. If you keep it as 'I' it sounds like you're telling a definite story, whereas 'you' should allow for it to be more vague, as it invites the reader to fill in the gaps with their own details.

EDIT: Oh, you just did it.

"You’ll stand before he"

Doesn't quite fit the same rhyming sceme as before

"You'll stand before he and nobody else".

Would rhyme .

(although it won't fit in exactly the same rhythm).
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Originally Posted by Katyppfan View Post
When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 04:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
a l'amou fou pou tout
 
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*lol*, hold on let me see....

but, look...

Really not about dance to a beat
But do something unorthodox,
Raising up the heat
Most will be against it
But you must make them see
What you are doing
Is meant to be
Here’s the starting of your story...

Danced a dance you think you can’t complete
You take a dominant risk with every step of your feet
There’s no one else to criticize but yourself
Don’t care of the consequences
You’ll do your best to stand tall to the very last beat
They all halt their procedures
Their eyes are fixed upon you
As you command your body to twist
Disgust and resentment are intertwined within the mist
Some shout, as others throw up their fist
Slowly spin in circles to look each in the eye
See no change, but won’t allow yourself to cry
That would reflect a flaw
Causing them to laugh, shift, and walk on by
Instead of enchanting them
With your attempt at a new all time high
Having enough, the crowd abducts you with their rough hands
And eject you from the dance ball
Wet grass and broken glass
Are what you feel at the end of your fall
Routine-like, you rise, give the finger to them all,
And spin on your broken heels, heading back to your dorm hall
Enter and throw out rants against the wall
Progress to your bedroom window to make a silent call
Walk rather sluggish, over to your bed
Stomach protesting, for it hasn’t been fed
Memories of recent events swarm through your head
Won’t stop until what I’m exclaiming is clearly read
Before you drowned in unconsciousness
That is exactly what you said
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Old 05-08-2006, 04:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Yeah, that kind of thing.

These lines

"Raising up the heat
Most will be against it
But you must make them see
What you are doing
Is meant to be"

Could ,maybe do with a bit of 'beautifying' as they're very basic (although they do get the point across neatly), but the general gist is there. You could put in some inventive adjectives, or change the verbs you used so that they say the same thing but sound a bit fancier while doing!

So, um, instead of saying

"raising up the heat"

you could say

"turning up the dial on the social oven"

And similar things like that, saying the same thing, but using more imagination to make it a bit more inventive.

Sorry, I'm rambling here.

The other three lines are fine (you could call it something other than a 'story' in the last line of the intro, but that might just be me being pretentious.)
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 04:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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turning up the dial on the social oven.. , that just makes me laugh

But chyea, I was just testing the idea, but im going to make it more creative and such....back to work for me. Thanks for the help!
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Old 05-08-2006, 04:28 PM   #15 (permalink)
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No probs.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 05-08-2006, 04:47 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Really not about dance to a beat
But do something unorthodox,
Intoxicating the withheld heat
Most will alienate it
But you devoir yourself
To drive them see
What you are doing is meant to be
Here’s the cut
That you brought upon yourself
To start to bleed


what do y'all think? for a introduction
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Old 05-08-2006, 05:29 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I thought the "Tea" poem was gorgeous. Very wonderful little poem - around here and certainly around modern poetry in general - we have very, very verbose and bombastic writers trying to use 5 million polysyllabic words to say "Pass the Ketchup" - these neat, simple poems are often lost in the mess.

Not gonna lie, I'm watching ESPN and didn't get through the dance piece. I have this to say though, and mind it well - vague does not = greatness. Having to explain it defeats the purpose, imo.
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Old 05-09-2006, 06:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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would be nice if i knew what vague meant, i'll look it up sometime or ask somebody later, but chyea.
So...do you not think its good to explain? or its bad that it needs to be explained? or what?


yea, i agree. some of the people are being too complex for just simple lil things. Sometimes i dont even get it cause the words they use, they could call me whatever they want.

Thank you for the comment!


edit: redid it, placed the explaining at the end of the poem, but in the poem still. check it out if you wanna.
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