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Old 12-19-2006, 03:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default these tears are'nt for decoration (my girlfriends a whore)

you left me for another guy,
without a trace of guilt.
our love was just a lie,
and i just want to die.

i lie on this freezing ground,
crying more and more.
these tears arent for decoration,
my girlfriends a whore.

you were with him long enough,
you carried on your bluff.
i wished i had'nt found out,
and avoided this painful bout.

i lie here wishing to dissapear,
to carry this burden no more.
these tears are'nt for decoration,
my girlfriends a whore.


this is the only song i could find and a was modifying it as i went along
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Old 12-19-2006, 04:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow.
Just wow this sucked.
Its cliched, the rhyming is forced and a fine example of just a poorly written song.
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Old 12-20-2006, 04:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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i vomited in my mouth. sorry
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Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation
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Old 12-20-2006, 06:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
we became a carcass!
 
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haha I imagined this to a cheesy country&western style tune
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in love with the stumps,

in love with the bleeding!

in love with the pain that you now feel...



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Old 12-22-2006, 07:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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i did actually force the ryhme and it was a 5 min ****ty job.
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Old 12-22-2006, 08:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Reminds me of P!ATD. Lol
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Old 12-22-2006, 08:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
Alo
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Everyone is sheiting on it, Iw would usually too... But I'll cut you some slack and give some tips.

you left me for another guy,
without a trace of guilt.
our love was just a lie,
and i just want to die.


You get mad at her, and then you are sad. If she didn't like you anymore, why should she show guilt? And if she has done wrong, why die yourself? Try adding more syllabeled words. Not just babys-first-words, if you get what I mean.

i lie on this freezing ground,
Why the **** are you laying on a freezing ground? It's a cliche metaphor for pain, and it simply doesn't work.

crying more and more.
This doesn't even sound like correct English, where is the emotion? This is just observation of a situation as a child would do it.

these tears arent for decoration,
I somehow like this line, if only the rest of the lyrics were good, it could work!

my girlfriends a whore.
She just didn't like you anymore, that doesn't make her a whore. Pick, mad, or sad. Not mixture, you have to be consequent darling.

you were with him long enough,
you carried on your bluff.

This doesn't make sense, bluff? How is her being with another guy bluff?

i wished i had'nt found out,
and avoided this painful bout.

Again, you change emotion, you get mad, and sad, and now desperate to be naive. How would not nowing make her less a whore, or make you feel better in the long run?

i lie here wishing to dissapear,
Ok, yeah, use a line used in 193242900 other songs why don't you?

to carry this burden no more.
She did wrong, you didn't. It's not a burden for you.

The song basically sucks, but maybe if you try better next time?
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Old 12-26-2006, 10:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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no she really was a whore. all this happened to me so i put it to pen and paper. i was lying on the freezing grounsd in a rainstorm. thanks for the tips and ill try and rework it.
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