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Old 02-11-2007, 06:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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Default Another Song. You Can Tell My Day Has been amazing Can't you.

A church on a lonely hilltop
makes even the strongest man cry sometimes
I'm on a road to ruin, in a bedsit, I'm strewn,
across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand

The long walk across the shore, says it all, I remember
when we could forget our lives for a second
over a cappuchino and a coffee table
faith is all so proposterous, we used to laugh,
now irony has took me down the path

road to ruin, in my bedroom, forgotten,
across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand





Done loads today, but I've seriously been a bit dangerously bored. Don't like this one, made in about 7 mins (yes I counted) thoughts?
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Old 02-11-2007, 07:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I think someone needs a hug and to watch the pokemon movie.
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Old 02-11-2007, 07:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Please change path to road or something else. The rhyming made me cringe. Some cleaning up and making it more connected wouldn't hurt though all in all it's pretty good.
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Old 02-11-2007, 09:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
Ban Captain Caveman
 
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Disconnected rambling. What the hell was this about. The church lines were good, and then you do nothing with them.
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 02-11-2007, 11:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by TrampInaTux View Post
A church on a lonely hilltop
makes even the strongest man cry sometimes
Sounds like it could've come from a country song.
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Old 02-11-2007, 11:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Lol, strummer.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

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Old 02-12-2007, 04:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swimintheundertow View Post
Please change path to road or something else. The rhyming made me cringe. Some cleaning up and making it more connected wouldn't hurt though all in all it's pretty good.
I didn't actually intend those words to rhyme.. I pronounce 'laugh' as 'larf'.

Maybe the next ones I write will be better... I'm not having another day in for a while, that's for sure.

Ta for the advice anyways, even though I'm really not gonna progress on this one.
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Old 02-12-2007, 02:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm really not gonna progress on this one.
A wise choice.
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