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Old 04-25-2007, 09:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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Unhappy more than just your average crush

another one by savannah. xD (emo kidd)
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You're screaming all these words at me
Saying how I'll never be
Anything more than your average liar
Letting me burn in my internal fire
Tell me now, why can't you see
To me, you are my everything
All I want is one last chance
To take a stab at this romance

God's sending all these signs to me
They all say we're meant to be
You've buried all of those emotions
But that does not stop my devotion
Spell it out, why don't you see
This love is more than you ever dreamed
And I can't bear to see you go
If I do this blood will flow

Self mutilation sings to me
If I can't have you, obviously
I'll never forget that moment you said
I was the one you'd love on your deathbed
Come on, it's just you and me
I've told you, now you tell me
That you love me, that you need me...
(That you love me, that you need me...)

Spell it out, why don't you see
This love is more than you ever dreamed
And I can't bear to see you go
If I do this blood will flow
Tell me now, why can't you see
To me, you are my everything
All I want is one last chance
To take a stab at this romance
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Old 04-26-2007, 05:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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If you listen hard enough, you can almost hear me not caring.

Oh, and your rhyming is absolutely horrific.
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Old 04-26-2007, 08:42 PM   #3 (permalink)
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If you don't care then why did you bother posting?

Just to make him/her feel bad about themself?

I'm not defending the writing, I don't think its good at all, either, but still.
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Old 04-28-2007, 01:31 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes View Post
If you listen hard enough, you can almost hear me not caring.

Oh, and your rhyming is absolutely horrific.


Just cause the person may not be an amazing poet doesn't mean you have to be a complete prick about it.
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Old 04-28-2007, 11:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by IrishWhiskey View Post
Just cause the person may not be an amazing poet doesn't mean you have to be a complete prick about it.
thank you. i mean, at least im trying... everything takes practice correct?
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Old 04-29-2007, 11:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Keep up the writing, it'll get much better with time

Remember not everything has to rhyme, even if they're lyrics. It looks like some of the stuff is sort of forced in this piece. I'm assuming that you're relatively new to writing poems/songs, and I'm going to be honest and say that it's not the best poem I've ever heard. You have some nice lines in there-- "I was the one you'd love on your deathbed" "Spell it out, why don't you see" -- I liked those two a lot, but the rest of the poem needs some work. There's some talented writers on this forum, take a look at their stuff and take tips from their styles and the comments people left on their works.

Look over other people's poems, try to take people's advice, and just go with it. Every poem isn't a winner, we all know that... but just keep with it and you'll get much better. /thumbsup
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