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Old 01-07-2008, 02:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: caliornia
Posts: 2
Default (Work In Progress) but anyone want to review??

hey, im new to songwriting, only been writing songs for a year or two, and plus ive been in writers block for a while. BUT, i just recently wrote soemthin, nd i need your guys's help wit reviewing it. do you think you can help? thanks for all who do =)

Stillness Of the Night

Laying here all alone
This room is as still as stone
I just wish you were with me
Everything moves so silently
I only want your company
But at least I know youre in my dreams
Touching your necklace for comfort
talking quiet as if you were
On my bed invisibly listening
Oh how I want to see your eyes
As I think of our most recent goodbye
I miss you so longingly

And as I go to sleep
You are all I see
I then sart to remember
How my life got better, by the joy you bring

In the stillness of the night
I think peacefully
of how you affect my life
No more getting lost again
My days of wandering have come to an end
As the lightning strikes
I wish I could hold you
and keep you safe witin my sight
One day ill show you what youve done for me is right
As i think in the stillness of the night



Well thats it so far, any suggestions on how to make it better?
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:46 AM   #2 (permalink)
infamous nimbus
 
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Posts: 140
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its kind of cliche, and rhymes too much for my taste...or maybe the rhymes aren't good enough to be used as heavily as they are.

the last few lines are really weak imo.

I wish I could hold you
and keep you safe witin my sight
One day ill show you what youve done for me is right
As i think in the stillness of the night

especially the "ill show you whate you've done for me is right"

however, you said you were pretty new to songwriting, so dont worry too much. You'll get better and become more able to recognize cliches and lines that just suck.
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Old 01-10-2008, 06:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 58
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yup, the rhyming is pretty horrible....but if you gave that to someone, im sure theyd really love it
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