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Old 05-15-2009, 03:16 PM   #131 (permalink)
young gun funyun
 
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haha, I love your use of words. ****y and still resonating.

You have a couple of awkward verses (let me say them to myself before I continue with this crit) ------- ('stability' in the first verse is a little awkward, you might need to replace some words in that line)

Change "away from traffic, everything which annoy's."
to "away from traffic, that which annoy's" ?? (i'm guessing the rhythm of your song revolves around 8-10 syllables)

Other than that, I don't think I would say anything else besides keep working it into your song.
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Old 05-15-2009, 04:07 PM   #132 (permalink)
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I've merged your eagle eye thread with this one and renamed it to Chard's Songwriting Journal. I suggest you keep your new stuff in this thread. If you continue spamming up the songwritings forum outside this thread, you should expect more infractions. The reason I'm warning you is that I've seen almost all your threads in songwritng have been deleted - and probably for a reason. Learn from that.

If you have any complaints, feel free to send me a PM.
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Old 05-16-2009, 07:27 AM   #133 (permalink)
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Default united

Treading carefully in unknown territory,
not to intrude or be pursued in vulgarity.
Building bridges on all sides of the fence,
making my rounds using common sense.

I am a stranger, to your ways,
trouble is, I am here for a short stay.
Though I would love to be invited back again,
so its crucial that you suffer no pain.

Having heart warming conversations,
welcomed onto your preservation.
No need for explanation,
respecting one anothers great nation.

A puzzle that haunts me still,
no need for violence, or mindless kills.
we are all descendants of adam and eve,
as i gently put my face against my sleeve.

United in peace, the whole world to see,
all you, my brothers my family.
Making leaps forward to the greater good,
it's what all peoples, and all nations should.

Forgetting the past is a huge hurdle,
getting over it, their be no stopping you.
If all nations could gather as one,
there would be no need for the gun.
Only then could we live in unity, under the sun.
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Old 05-17-2009, 03:33 PM   #134 (permalink)
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Default wheel of fate

On the outside of this frame
not sure the outcome, of this one.
broadinning my horizons,
scouting around for one's life.
Wanting to adjust to discover who,
dig deep if i am allowed, to know.
Cross my palm with silver
this lady speaks, with a demonic tongue.
My freedom of choice, being in her reach.
I have to know, what my future holds
can't deny myself anymore.chorus;

Knowing to little about one's self
can cause real pain, not a moment goes by,
that i do not try to get it explained.
Sitting and thinking of a world without walls
want to escape it, thats all.

Confronting the unknown, i feel uncomfortable.
whats the first word out of her mouth
do I really want to stay for this.
Yes! as i thought, she knows to much
she knows her stuff, she is focused.
Well that was yesterday, I am now a changed man
everything seems to be going as planned.
I never drew up the plan, though it will come to pass
I do not die, well whats the odds of that.
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Old 05-19-2009, 04:53 PM   #135 (permalink)
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I like your stlye.
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Old 05-20-2009, 11:48 AM   #136 (permalink)
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Default someone i'm not

Taming one's soul
to move on in this world
shine a light in a place that was once dark.
Changing your attitude with your mind set
moving forward, seperating from yourself.

Bye bye to the old ways
the feeling of joy, hope it stays
nomore wasting away
in the coming of days,
in the coming of days.

The wilderness is a harsh place
its hard sometimes to turn one's face
just like being caught in a snare
we both know, life is not always fair.

I am a man, so act like one
take charge of the situation
be strong take the slack
with you in charge the good days will be back.

All you guy's, get off your backsides
don't forget your true nature
I was blinded but now I see
a bright and clear future.

All of you who are unemployed
say your do any kind of work
but what your really saying is
you wan't to be paid to jerk, what a jerk.

I read you loud and clear
you are an outdoor person
you live alone, you have no friends
and you travel alone on excursions.
Do you see my point now
turn your world around
yes you are capable of that,
I was just keeping it under my hat.
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Old 05-20-2009, 04:20 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Personal, informative, and well written... what's it about?
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Old 05-21-2009, 05:32 AM   #138 (permalink)
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There are 2 catagories of people the first practically all the same, dress the same, talk the same believe the same. number 2 what i would call dreamers people that don't fit in anywhere, modern society. Backward and drug dependant, lazy, unimaginative, stubborn, thoughtless.It's a song about change and personal will power.
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Old 05-22-2009, 05:17 PM   #139 (permalink)
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Default from the pit it came

A fire breathing dragon lives with me
fiery temper as hot as hell.
Breathing down my neck,
a deep emotion of regret
wondering eyes in all directions.
Flashbacks of the horror, I left for her
now she, is my worst enemy.

Can't bring myself to leave
though I want to
a feeling of imprisonment
my reflexion, who are you

A well trodden path, breakups and devorce
though it's not present all the time,
so I refrain myself from acting out in anger
it saddens me that once she was my greatest find.
Love lost though for her ignorance is bliss,
unless she in her own way planned this.
I have lived with a few, and at first they are right
creating a picture of pure delight
then when your sitting comfortable,
then they reveal there inner blade
as sharp as a razors edge.
A history of hurt, that never heals
a bitter after taste from sweet perfume.

A obese blob that eats and farts in bed
once a beautiful girl, i wish i was dead.
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:32 PM   #140 (permalink)
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despite some unflowing lines and weird metaphors, you've got an interesting style. Definitely a thread to keep an eye on in my case.
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