Incompetence (working title) (lyrics, quote, band, song, Hang)

Eggman · 10-19-2008, 09:09 AM

So yeah.
I've written a few things, and I like a few of 'em.
Here's one of 'em. >.>

Strung out like heathens,
We are forced to flee,
To run from our realms of security.

Disturbed from our dreams,
Awakened from peace,
Into a world of chaos and fraying seams.

The tides of change,
Nothing's the same,
As if we were just animals to tame.

Whether it was willing,
Or if we were told,
We're unmercifully shoved into a bottomless hole.

Unaware of the odds,
Abandoned by hope,
We flounder for light at the peak of the slope.

With dirt in our eyes,
Arms open wide,
By the rules of experience we must abide.

Any criticism is welcome, whether it's good or bad.
Preferably constructive, but life isn't always forgiving. >.>

KaneFails · 10-19-2008, 09:34 AM

I've never been all that great with constructive criticism, but here it goes:

I really like the structure you used for this one, since it helps make the song really flow. So good job on that.

I also admire how you made the message in it very clear, and easy to understand. Not too many people like lyrics that act like a brick wall to the song's true meaning (although it really makes you think about it.)

Other than that, I don't think there's much else I could point out to you. Good job on this one. It's better than what I did, at least. =P [/modesty]

Eggman · 10-19-2008, 10:18 AM

Meh, it's not a song, lol.
Just something I wrote.
I haven't exactly written any lyrics for any music I've messed with.

But thanks for the input.

Arya Stark · 10-22-2008, 03:39 PM

It sounds like something that would begin a novel, actually.

Maybe you should start writing a book.

^_^

FaSho · 10-24-2008, 03:42 PM

I thought it was great, definatley needs some work, but still great it's own right.

WWWP · 10-24-2008, 07:01 PM

Because it's not a song, there are fluency issues you should work out in the 2nd and 4th stanzas. Also, in the 3rd, perhaps change "animals" to "beasts." It reads easier that way. Overall though, it was great. Nice work.

Eggman · 10-25-2008, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolverinewolfweiselpigeon

Because it's not a song, there are fluency issues you should work out in the 2nd and 4th stanzas.

Well, it all depends on the way you read it.
When I read it out loud, it flows rather nicely.
^.^

10-19-2008, 09:09 AM	#1 (permalink)
Eggman Groupie Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Fort Worth, Texas Posts: 44	Incompetence (working title) So yeah. I've written a few things, and I like a few of 'em. Here's one of 'em. >.> Strung out like heathens, We are forced to flee, To run from our realms of security. Disturbed from our dreams, Awakened from peace, Into a world of chaos and fraying seams. The tides of change, Nothing's the same, As if we were just animals to tame. Whether it was willing, Or if we were told, We're unmercifully shoved into a bottomless hole. Unaware of the odds, Abandoned by hope, We flounder for light at the peak of the slope. With dirt in our eyes, Arms open wide, By the rules of experience we must abide. Any criticism is welcome, whether it's good or bad. Preferably constructive, but life isn't always forgiving. >.> __________________ -- Marshall http://last.fm/user/mdeAnr

10-19-2008, 10:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
Eggman Groupie Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Fort Worth, Texas Posts: 44	Meh, it's not a song, lol. Just something I wrote. I haven't exactly written any lyrics for any music I've messed with. But thanks for the input. __________________ -- Marshall http://last.fm/user/mdeAnr

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10-19-2008, 09:34 AM	#2 (permalink)
KaneFails Groupie Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 33	I've never been all that great with constructive criticism, but here it goes: I really like the structure you used for this one, since it helps make the song really flow. So good job on that. I also admire how you made the message in it very clear, and easy to understand. Not too many people like lyrics that act like a brick wall to the song's true meaning (although it really makes you think about it.) Other than that, I don't think there's much else I could point out to you. Good job on this one. It's better than what I did, at least. =P [/modesty]

10-22-2008, 03:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
Arya Stark "Hermione-Lite" Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: New York. Posts: 3,084	It sounds like something that would begin a novel, actually. Maybe you should start writing a book. ^_^