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Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well).
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haha that's pretty funny =)
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The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.
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I think you're right about the line breaks, I hesitated to go on a line break spree. I think I will try to revise this too.
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