Jesus Christ I'm Amazing - The poetic updates of a madman

TheBig3 · 10-24-2005, 12:37 PM

I've always thought Cat Stevens was a subpar Paul Simon, but the other day someone brought a CD of his to work and his "remember the days of the old school yard" song, might be the worst song i've ever heard.

Top to bottom, its a bad song, but the lyrics, and the music that go with it are horrible. They couldn't fit all the syllabels in the terrible melody so they pound keys and strum the same chord until his percussive reading of "you you remember the days" is over.

TheBig3 · 01-03-2006, 11:43 PM

I thought it unfair to review and not be reviewed so Ill post something I wrote just now. Its obviously rough (15 mins has that effect on writing) but I like where its going and what its about. There has been no revision to this. I'll let you say what you will and if no one brings it up, ill ask the questions I have about it.

Please don’t lay next to me anymore

All I remember is what never became.
A female of fallow earth. Forgotten passions
under pressed green sheets. I can remember
Creating nightmares for the traveling business men
on an illegal hotel night, somewhere on the intersection of
Two highways, youth and young manhood.
Now we lay divided by two men and memories.
One is buried between us, dead on conception, whose
anonymous visage haunts my uninvolved thoughts.
The other just words that create the void, standing, sitting
There among old photos and love letters.

I loved you once, but the rot of the dead is pungent on my thoughts
And once in a blue moon, I sit up in bed
Staring at your lifeless body
Whispering "please don’t lay next to me anymore"

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 01-03-2006, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

I loved you once, but the rot of the dead is pungent on my thoughts
And once in a blue moon, I sit up in bed
Staring at your lifeless body
Whispering "please don’t lay next to me anymore"

i like everything for the most part. the first part of it is very poetic. the second part is good except for the first line. the part i highlighted in red. i dont think it flows as well as the rest of it. try something more like..."the decay of the deceased" or "the scent of those passed".

thats the only thing i would change. the rest of it i like.

Merkaba · 01-04-2006, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog

anonymous visage haunts my uninvolved thoughts.
The other just words that create the void, standing, sitting
There among old photos and love letters.

I felt that word didn't quite fit. I don't know if it's just me but that sentence is quite long and I thought that as i got closer to the end, this word held me up a little. Though it might have been because I was trying to take as much meaning from it as I could while I was still reading. Anyway, I just thought maybe a word like "dormant"...or "neglected" might flow a little steadier?

I like it. It's a very scenic piece.

MusicStudent4Life · 01-04-2006, 12:00 PM

This is very poetic and I really like that. What kind of music do you have in mind?

I think the only thing that keeps this song from being exceptional is that yes it's poetic, and yes it's deep, and yes it's kind of abstract and metaphoric, but it's not very relateable. What makes a great song really stand out is its ability to be all poetic and deep and metaphoric but at the same time to hold the audience captivated with either characters, themes, or emotions that are universally relateable. I think a going a little more indepth with the characters would strengthen this song. But I really like it.

sleepy jack · 01-04-2006, 05:04 PM

^No, i think some good songs are relatable, but if everything had to be relatable, then half my songs suck.

I think its good the way it is, maybe shorten the line perfectionthrusilence pointed out, thats the only thought i have. Its very good.

right-track · 01-04-2006, 05:13 PM

All I remember is what never became.
A female of fallow earth. Forgotten passions
under pressed green sheets. I can remember
Creating nightmares for the traveling business men
on an illegal hotel night, somewhere on the intersection of
Two highways, youth and young manhood.

^ I'm not trying to be funny here, but the image of a prostitute springs to mind.

TheBig3 · 01-04-2006, 08:37 PM

Well its not exactly a prostitute. Anyway, ill revise this and repost later.

TheBig3 · 04-25-2006, 08:07 PM

Should posting "poetry" be allowed in the song writing forum?

swim · 04-25-2006, 08:10 PM

I would like that so that I could post something. I can't see why not.

View Poll Results: Should we allow Poetry here?
Yes	14	93.33%
No	1	6.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

10-24-2005, 12:37 PM	#61 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	I've always thought Cat Stevens was a subpar Paul Simon, but the other day someone brought a CD of his to work and his "remember the days of the old school yard" song, might be the worst song i've ever heard. Top to bottom, its a bad song, but the lyrics, and the music that go with it are horrible. They couldn't fit all the syllabels in the terrible melody so they pound keys and strum the same chord until his percussive reading of "you you remember the days" is over. __________________ I've moved to a new address

01-03-2006, 11:43 PM	#62 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	Please Don't Lay Near Me Anymore I thought it unfair to review and not be reviewed so Ill post something I wrote just now. Its obviously rough (15 mins has that effect on writing) but I like where its going and what its about. There has been no revision to this. I'll let you say what you will and if no one brings it up, ill ask the questions I have about it. Please don’t lay next to me anymore All I remember is what never became. A female of fallow earth. Forgotten passions under pressed green sheets. I can remember Creating nightmares for the traveling business men on an illegal hotel night, somewhere on the intersection of Two highways, youth and young manhood. Now we lay divided by two men and memories. One is buried between us, dead on conception, whose anonymous visage haunts my uninvolved thoughts. The other just words that create the void, standing, sitting There among old photos and love letters. I loved you once, but the rot of the dead is pungent on my thoughts And once in a blue moon, I sit up in bed Staring at your lifeless body Whispering "please don’t lay next to me anymore" __________________ I've moved to a new address

01-04-2006, 08:37 PM	#68 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	Well its not exactly a prostitute. Anyway, ill revise this and repost later. __________________ I've moved to a new address

04-25-2006, 08:07 PM	#69 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	Poetry Should posting "poetry" be allowed in the song writing forum? __________________ I've moved to a new address

01-04-2006, 12:00 PM	#65 (permalink)
MusicStudent4Life Groupie Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: cali Posts: 6	This is very poetic and I really like that. What kind of music do you have in mind? I think the only thing that keeps this song from being exceptional is that yes it's poetic, and yes it's deep, and yes it's kind of abstract and metaphoric, but it's not very relateable. What makes a great song really stand out is its ability to be all poetic and deep and metaphoric but at the same time to hold the audience captivated with either characters, themes, or emotions that are universally relateable. I think a going a little more indepth with the characters would strengthen this song. But I really like it.

01-04-2006, 05:13 PM	#67 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	All I remember is what never became. A female of fallow earth. Forgotten passions under pressed green sheets. I can remember Creating nightmares for the traveling business men on an illegal hotel night, somewhere on the intersection of Two highways, youth and young manhood. ^ I'm not trying to be funny here, but the image of a prostitute springs to mind.

04-25-2006, 08:10 PM	#70 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	I would like that so that I could post something. I can't see why not. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/