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Old 04-19-2009, 03:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation I'll mourn the day

as the days pass by.
I'm getting closer to the day I die, the day I die.
as the nights fade by.
I need to speak my voice, before that day, before that day.
my heart.
cant take.
this pain.
anymore

I'll trade my pride for misery.
I'll let her live and be happy.
I dont want it to be this way.
But I love her so, Ill be okay.

it is time for me.
to lay back down, slow my breathing, slow my breathing.
I hate the feeling.
I get when I see, her pictures on the wall, her pictures ont he wall
if my lungs, wouldnt let me breathe.
would you breathe for me?

I'll trade my pride for misery.
I'll let her live and be happy.
I dont want it to be this way.
But I love her so, Ill be okay.

I'll mourn the day I didnt say.
I love you, and Im sorry.
I dont want it to be this way.
But I love her so, Ill be okay.
I dont want it to be this way.
But I love her so, Ill be okay.
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Old 04-19-2009, 04:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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constructive criticism would be appriciated
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Old 04-19-2009, 06:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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i like the getting closer to death bit. however, i dont think your repetition does much to help the poem as it doesnt influence any certain idea over and over; it seems like it exists only to lull the poem into a rhythmical pattern and help with the flow. the flow is good, mind you, but try to keep it from becoming too tedious.
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Old 04-19-2009, 06:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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What do people have against creative metaphors?
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Old 04-19-2009, 07:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkcornerinthecloset View Post
i like the getting closer to death bit. however, i dont think your repetition does much to help the poem as it doesnt influence any certain idea over and over; it seems like it exists only to lull the poem into a rhythmical pattern and help with the flow. the flow is good, mind you, but try to keep it from becoming too tedious.
I get what your saying.

Im not the most expieranced writer, Im just sharing what I have for help on improving.

thank you for the tips
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Old 04-19-2009, 09:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Needs...

1. Better/interesting vocabulary - there have a million songs about depressed heartbroken guy...whats new, really? use some innovative idea, word or something
2. Visible melody - maybe there is I dunno
3. It seems very unfinished and sporadic, this can often be good (Flaming Lips, Syd Barrett, etc) but it still needs structure

And I would advise not bothering people for advice through pm. I am okay with it because I'm in a good mood, but I bet a mod or someone really wouldn't like it.

If you want song help, maybe go...writingsongs.com songwriting forum :: Index... because you haven't really posted anywhere else but here and MB would rather have regular members contributing than hobos that wander around and spit out random stuff.
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Old 04-20-2009, 12:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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well i just joined and was looking for help so sorry.

and thanks
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Old 04-20-2009, 08:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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It's a huge site, there are so many other areas to post in. Looking at your default pic I'm sure you can find something about Avenged Sevenfold.
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Old 04-20-2009, 01:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'd tell you lack some creativity, but overall it was nice. Perfect for those ugly emo bands.

P.S. No offence, man
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Old 04-20-2009, 06:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
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just because I write about losing somoene that makes me emo?

emo is just short for emotional, and if you song lacks emotion then you should be writing music.
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