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Old 07-14-2009, 11:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2
Default The Cricket Collector

Well I'm so sorry I'm rude, I'm sorry I just assume,
What did you expect when my feet's soaking wet, and my floormat turned out maroon

Oh such a fitting excuse, I'm not so much better, maybe I just popped a fuse.
My memory serves me things you've forgotten, you've seen, but that doesn't
change the fact that it's still what it seems.

Well carry on with your nap time, there is close to no hurry tonight
It's not your fingers I feel, running cold down down through my spine

Still I've got to admit to you, never realized you thought this through
Your lysergic scheme was never as good as it seemed, color me impressed, it's better
than I had dreamed.

Well carry on with your nap time, there is close to no hurry tonight
It's not your fingers I feel, running cold down down through my spine

Last edited by vmenge; 07-16-2009 at 09:36 AM.
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Southern US
Posts: 166
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Wow, that's an interesting take on song writing. A couple of things need to be cleaned up, but other than that, the concept is pretty refreshing. I guess you expect a few critiques from me?

Quote:
Well I'm so sorry I'm rude,
I often just assume,
What did you expect when my feet's soaking wet,
and my floormat came out maroon

Oh such a fitting excuse,
I'm not so much better,
I could've popped a fuse.
There are things you've forgotten; that you've seen,
but that doesn't change the fact that it's still what it seems. (*or* it's exactly what it seems)

Well carry on with your nap time, there is close to no hurry tonight
It's not your fingers I feel, running cold down, down through my spine

Still I've got to admit to you,
I didn't think you thought this through
Your lysergic scheme was never as good as it seemed,
color me impressed, it's better than I had dreamed.

Well carry on with your nap time,
there is close to no hurry tonight
It's not your fingers I feel,
running cold down down through my spine
I like it allot. Most of the issues I changed were related to your grammer--like you said though, english isn't your first language. I'm very impressed with how well you communicated either way--especially with the 'cricket collector' metaphor.

peace out,
-nick
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 07-16-2009, 09:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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thanks
i thought no one was going to reply so i edited my post like a moron, and than someone replied lol
so i edited back but got lazy and didn't write the bit about english not being my first language :P
anyways, thanks
thanks for the critiques
unfortunately most of the changes can't be made since it would mess the singing melody, and also, the song's already recorded hehe :P
i'm glad you liked the metaphor
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