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Old 07-30-2009, 09:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default read this i wana kno wat u think

sometimes we're terrified
sometimes we're lost
we can never find our true selves
we just never kno wat to do

chorus
[we all need help sometimes
just cant do it alone
we all need help sometimes
before we loose control]

and then theres times where u just snap
all the stuff that builds up inside
you scream and flip with no real point behind it
but its fine
theres no evidence u ever let go
because ur alone
theres no one there for u
theres no one u can truly trust
theres always a hint of doubt in everyone
you've been alone so long
its all ur used to
and now it may always b that way

[chorus]

everythings so repetitive
never anything new
i've been here before
always will b
stuck in a never endingcycle
if we move from one its just to another
because thats how we are
not just us but everyone
and it might kill us all

we all need help sometimes
just cant do it alone
we all need help sometimes
before we loose ourselves forever







so tell me wat u think. any editting ideas or tips.
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Old 07-30-2009, 01:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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If you want to express yourself through language it's probably not a good idea not to write in text speak.
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Old 07-30-2009, 01:59 PM   #3 (permalink)
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^^Awesome avatar, lol.
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Old 08-09-2009, 05:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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the only reason its in txt speak is so its easier to type
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Old 08-10-2009, 10:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
the only reason its in txt speak is so its easier to type
easy almost never means better. Anything worth doing is worth doing well, and posting a poem (no matter how good or bad it may be) in a lazy manner (ie "text speak") makes the effort seem half hearted and also makes the poem/lyrics harder to understand for the rest of us. What kind of motivation does that give us to respond in a helpful way?? not much, though I am going to try.

Quote:
sometimes we're terrified
sometimes we're lost
we can never find our true selves
we just never kno wat to do

chorus
[we all need help sometimes
just cant do it alone
we all need help sometimes
before we loose control]

and then theres times where u just snap
all the stuff that builds up inside
you scream and flip with no real point behind it
but its fine
theres no evidence u ever let go
because ur alone
theres no one there for u
theres no one u can truly trust
theres always a hint of doubt in everyone
you've been alone so long
its all ur used to
and now it may always b that way

[chorus]

everythings so repetitive
never anything new
i've been here before
always will b
stuck in a never endingcycle
if we move from one its just to another
because thats how we are
not just us but everyone
and it might kill us all

we all need help sometimes
just cant do it alone
we all need help sometimes
before we loose ourselves forever
This is just a personal opinion, but I've found that the more a writer uses the words "you" and "I" in a general sense (referring directly to the readers or the writer), the less a reader can connect to the lyrics. For instance, in the first stanza you say "we can never find our true selves." Well, it just so happens that I'm well on my way to finding my true self. Because of this, I immediatly (subconciously) write off the rest of the song as not applying to me. This general attitude of "you" and "we" persists throughout the song.

Also, while the lyrics themselves are not bad, the originallity lacks a bit. Most people (teenagers especially, i would know, i am one) can write a song about loss and anger and pain bleeding out that seems heartrending (to them). These emotions are important to express, but if the goal is to produce something that will leave the pages of the journal, then we as writers need to find a new way to express them. Thats what seperates the average angsty teen from the artist (who may or may not be "starving")
I have trouble with this myself. The key is to find a new image (such as metaphors), a specific situation, and sounds (just the overall way the lyrics sound when read or sung) that expresses the emotions in an unexpected way that can penetrate down into a listeners soul before they really know whats going on. We're all so used to reading "oh im so lost how cn i ever find my way" that we've mostly built up an immunity to it. Your (our) job is to get past that defense and share something truly powerful. Thats what music is all about right?

Please keep writing and posting, and if you get a chance check out my lyrics. I need to post some more recent stuff, but let me know what you think of the old, I need all the help I can get.
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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thanx ill try to work on it
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Old 08-15-2009, 10:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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anyone else? please need peoples opinions on this.
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Old 08-18-2009, 11:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You want to know what I think? I think you should have enough love for your writing to suffer through writing it out, and not using text speak. As far as the piece itself goes...I can turn any radio station on that I want to and hear something that's pretty much the same thing.
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Old 08-21-2009, 12:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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When you wrote this, did you have a particular tune in mind? Did you work out the meter and pacing in your head? Or did you write as the words came to you, planning on working the rest out later?

I ask because your line lengths and syllabic flow are all over the place. Short lines, long lines, smooth lines, and awkward ones. It doesn't feel like you had a SONG in mind so much as a blank verse POEM.

Oh, and "stuff" is a really, really weak word. Probably best not to use it unless it happens to fit really well.
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Old 08-26-2009, 11:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immetoday View Post
anyone else? please need peoples opinions on this.
I agree. If you want to write something beautiful, hitting an extra COUPLE keystrokes won't kill anyone. It's just lazy.

I have a proposal, but don't know if it will work expressly in this particular case. Instead of 'you' or 'we', maybe use 'she' or 'they' or maybe 'I.' People can connect with others just as well as with themselves (even better, in the case of Veggielover, who may know someone like you're discribing, though he or she doesn't feel that way). Just a thought.
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