Sljslj

I'm thinking an industrial metal / nu metal type of thing for this.

DEATH’S DESIRE

I see now, death is all I know
There’s a chance of death, so I go
I’m thinking to myself, at least
I don’t have to wake tomorrow
I’m not a morning person, anyway

I take this shot of poison
With a chaser
I take this head of steam
And bury it in black

I see now, death is all I know
I look around, death puts on a show
Burning me without fire
Could this really be death’s desire?
To kill me from the inside out
Torture me with my own sense of doubt
Is this life even worth caring about?
I’m not one to wait around, anyway

I melt this, my very soul
With a laser
I take this head of steam
And bury it in black

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WWWP

I love this line. The song overall is not really my style but it's pretty well written. I'm always apprehensive of songs when the word "death" is mentioned more than once, and I'm fairly certain I've heard the line "bury it in black" countless times.

As far as originality goes I'd give it a D, but I really love that morning person line so it comes out to like a C+ average.

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#DEMODFROWNLAND
#TERMLIMITSFORMODERATORS

Sljslj

Thank you, that was honest and pretty much right on. This wasn't meant to break any new ground and maybe (MAYBE) I did mean it to be completely cliche. I'm sure everything in there has been said before in some way.

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WWWP

That being said it's still good, sometimes cliche works. I have this friend who writes songs like this all the damn time and believe me, he never gets a positive review, so for what it's worth you are far better than him. :p I'm definitely interested to hear how it turns out set to music.

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#DEMODFROWNLAND
#TERMLIMITSFORMODERATORS

Sljslj

THE WRONG WAY IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION (working title)

In this time, a time of need
I must take a moment to reflect
Before I make up my mind
Choose to be blind and reject
On this day, I bleed out of necessity

In my mind, a mind of greed
There’s no room for acceptance
When the prize is within my reach
Look fore and ignore past-tense
**** today, tomorrow’s much brighter

If you think I’m stupid to travel this road
You’re probably right, but still I’ll go
‘Cause nirvana may be at the end
And if not, it’s still time well spent

I love something I may never see
Envy something I may never be
Destiny can be an ugly guide
I’ve found insanity is something
Much better in which to confide

If you think I’m stupid to travel this road
You’re probably right, but still I’ll go
‘Cause nirvana may be at the end
And if not, it’s still time well spent

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Sljslj

THE LIGHT SEEPING THROUGH THE CRACKS

Just like someone born into a prison cell
You’ve no idea even of white and black
In front of your eyes, there’s only gray
There’s so much more going on than you can tell
But your way of life only serves to set you back
You’re too far beyond a sunny day
So far that you think that that is hell
The light seeping through the cracks

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Sljslj

Simple format with one, I think it turned out okay. Some of it I had already written a while ago, but it wouldn't have been written like this (or possibly at all) had I not read a page on Billy Meier's website titled, "The Crime Against All Life".

TIMELINE SYMMETRY… THE CRIME AGAINST ALL LIFE

Timeline symmetry
Something that’s happened once before
But the clock moves faster this time
As it’s guided by human hands
And they get paid by the hour

Inside sanity
There is something that should not be
Voice of reason’s override code
The origin of all untruth
And this, the crime against all life

From stupidity
Comes the end of our existence
We die a swarm of mosquitoes
With no blood left to draw upon
A swarm of mosquitoes, we die

Timeline symmetry
It’s like reaching a mountain peak
To jump off the opposite side
It’s not yet too late to rethink
And set up camp here at the top

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VEGANGELICA

Sljslj, I like the lines in bold best, partly because they are very clear and create a strong image. (The other reason is that I mostly agree with them!) I recommend changing the line "a swarm of mosquitoes, we die" that comes directly afterwards, because I feel the repetition reduces the impact of the image of us being like a swarm of mosquitoes.

Since I didn't know what timeline symmetry meant, the first educational stanza is probably necessary, but it feels too overtly didactic to me, Sljslj. The second stanza about insanity is most confusing for me, since I'm not sure how it relates to timeline symmetry.

I think the main point of your poem/lyrics is the last two lines of the poem...so I was surprised to have them emerge only at the end. If this is/were a song with a chorus, I'd probably have those last two lines be part of the chorus. Or, if the song is supposed to have a menacing, pessimistic tone, then maybe I'd use the mosquito lines as part of a chorus or as a repeated image.

I wish your poem somehow merged the different metaphors you have going to illustrate your point. You use the metaphors of the clock, the insanity, the mosquitoes, the mountains. My preference would be to have some physical connection among the metaphors used to illustrate your single concept.

The first stanza tells me that timeline symmetry is like the unavoidable and bad fate that occurs quickly because the path is already well-worn (though you use a clock metaphor). The last stanza says this as well, using the mountain metaphor. My mind has to leap from one image to the unrelated image fairly quickly.

I did notice that the structure suggests repetition, which is nice, since the concept of timeline symmetry involves repetition. Each stanza begins with a line ending in word that has "y" at the end, for example.

A final little thought just occurred to me: your mentioning of mosquitoes and setting up camp at the top of a mountain reminds me of one of my favorite childhood books, The Berenstain Bears' Picnic! I always loved those books because they involve a journey with funny twists and turns, but all connected, from start to finish, and the tales told are educational but also humorous.

In the Picnic story, the dad is looking for the perfect picnic spot. He thinks a swamp would be good, but then mosquitoes attack. Finally, after stopping at many other potentially good spots that turn bad, they end up at the top of a mountain where they start to eat their meal. Then, alas, the rain starts. Mom stomps off with the little bear, disgusted by all the searching for the perfect picnic spot. Pop says to stay in a little cave at the top of the mountain. Then he gets struck my lightning, which sizzles his butt. They end up going on the worn path home and having a picnic in the comfort of their own cozy treehouse kitchen.

So, maybe going on a well-worn path is sometimes a good idea...and maybe that is why timeline symmetry can happen. People follow what worked in the past without questioning it and seeing what will happen in the future if they continue to follow the easy, old ways. A tree house is nice for living in, but if we all built treehouses, what impact would it have?

Camping out at the top of the mountain:

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Sljslj

Thank you. Your words are always so helpful.

Sometimes, when it comes to metaphors, I have a hard time making them all about the same sort of thing, 'cause usually theres just so much going inside my head. Maybe it has it's benefits compared to other styles, though; sometimes songs that focus on a single object (metaphorical or real) become redundant. Does that make sense? Sometimes I don't know if people have any clue just what the **** I'm talking about. (lol?)

You got the jist of what I meant by timeline symmetry, but it's deeper than that. It's one of those things that's perfectly clear in my head, but I don't think I could articulate it into words, so I won't even try. As I said, you got the jist of it.

Maybe the repition of the "mosquitoes" lines lessens the effect of the words. It's something I typed, erased, retyped, and erased again before deciding to keep it. I'm trying to get in the habit of going back and revising the stuff I write, and this one definitely has a target on it's head.

Thanks.

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VEGANGELICA

I understand what you mean about the benefit of using many metaphors to explain the complicated way we think about a thing. If you look at Dirty's rap songs, for example, he uses a variety of metaphors that don't relate to each other. That actually probably does help a song sound fresh.

Repeating the same metaphor over and over could sound reduntant--I understand what you mean. I guess I just especially enjoy exploring in depth the various ways some topic relates to a single metaphor, which can have many facets. I can't argue that one method of creating metaphors to explain an idea is better than another...it's just what feels right to you, of course!

The part that confuses me about timeline symmetry is whether you feel there is an outside force propelling it...or if it is just a repetition of events that occurs because humans create a pattern of behavior through their own actions and tendencies. Well, I'm glad I at least got the jist of it if not the entirety.

Now I'm surprised...to learn that you TYPE your lyrics while you are working on them, Sljslj!!

So, does this mean you aren't surrounded by physical pages of paper with words scrawled all over them and lots of things scratched out and written in the margins?!? My house is filled with the physical detritus of my mind! I only use the computer when typing up a near-final version. Then I print that out and think about it for a week or so. I'm a very slow and methodical writer, I think.

I'm glad to think what I write is helpful to you! I feel it helps to hear other people's perspectives. Sometimes what we think is clear in our mind might come across to others in an entirely different way, so I feel it is nice to get an "outside reality" check.

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