The Lyrical Saga Of SljSlj - Music Banter Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-09-2010, 11:19 PM   #121 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post
Sounds like you are feeling a tiny bit aggressive today, Sljslj!

I like the "you haven't a clue of what I'm capable of, of what I've done," but I felt the "hit you a thousand times" sounds too made-up, too theatrical to me. If this is a revenge song, then I recommend making it is realistic as you can, because that will make it creepier.

You say "I'm coming for you" twice, once in a verse (?) and once in the chorus (?). Have you considered just using it in one but not both of those locations, so that it sounds more ominous? When you repeat "I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you" it starts to sound to me like all talk and no action.
You're right that I should separate theatrical (I quite like that term) and raw, realistic lines, it makes it sound more believeable. Thank you for that piece of advice.

I realized I used "I'm coming for you" twice and it was 100% on purpose. It wasn't in a chorus and a verse, either. I've no chorus yet, I intended both of those to be verses (or different parts of the same verse, maybe) so maybe that makes it a little more excusable.

Thanks, Erica.
__________________
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-27-2010, 11:02 PM   #122 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

This is my first song in a while that I consider to be a full song. It's not an original idea at all, but I think it's pretty okay. What do you think, MB?

PARASITE

I am the mind cusher
I am the dream smasher
All the hate inside you
I am the mask that hides you from yourself

When I murder, it's your head they hunt
Blame is on you for my every stunt
You try to run, but I rise everyday, like the sun
You cannot escape this parasite
Your soul is my paradise

I am the death dealer
I am the bone breaker
All the hate inside you
I am the mask that hides you from yourself

You will become worthless one day
When I've recieved my just pay
Had my fun, you'll just be left with this pain
When you've lost this parasite
You become a soulless crash-site
__________________

Last edited by Sljslj; 08-29-2010 at 05:00 AM.
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-29-2010, 04:44 AM   #123 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

DISAPPOINT

I’m no good
I make your life hell and still you do more for me…
Than you should
I walk all over you, turn you into my little sheep

Now I’m buried so deep
And I’ll bring you along
Now this cliff is too steep
And you’re not quite strong
Enough to resist this pull
And now you’re buried, too
In this six foot hole

Disappoint
I disappoint you though you try to hide it, could be…
Right on point
But I steer you away, now you find you can’t even sleep

Now I’m buried so deep
And I’ll bring you along
Now this cliff is too steep
And you’re not quite strong
Enough to resist this pull
And now you’re buried, too
In this six foot hole

Infection
I’m your ****ing disease
Disappoint
Your living just to please
Infection
I’m just a damn disease

Now I’m buried under this heap
Of lies, eyes that now know me
This cliff is still way too steep
But I’m alone this time
__________________

Last edited by Sljslj; 08-29-2010 at 04:55 AM.
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-31-2010, 10:41 PM   #124 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

I'm not quite done with this one, but I like where it's going...

AFRAID

Look where I'm at, ****ed up again
Just been going in circles
As much I hate doing this
Devouring my own soul
I just keep going around in circles

****, I'm probably already dead
Way I been going in circles
Being a ghost would explain it
Or maybe I don't even exist
Maybe that's why I feel so worthless
Oh well, guess I'll just keep going in circles

Whatever happened to all those days?
Whatever happened to those plans I made?
Whatever happened to being afraid?
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid to die

I must be high to be thinking this
But I hate going in circles
This here, it never ends
And I hate going in circles

Whatever happened to all those days?
Whatever happens to the things I say?
Whatever happened to being afraid?
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid to die

How much pain is one's life worth?
Is it okay to die when living's so much worse?
To break free from a perpetual curse
__________________

Last edited by Sljslj; 04-24-2013 at 12:48 AM.
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-02-2010, 07:54 AM   #125 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

You’ve always had it so hard
Now you find yourself again,
Waiting for them to pull your card
Hoping it ain’t that joker this time

You always make it so far
Before you’re right here again,
Waiting for them to see your star
Hoping that it isn’t past your time
Hoping tomorrow, you’re still first in line
__________________
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2010, 03:07 AM   #126 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

These universal infections
My internal distractions
Everything leads me to nothing
Now I feel I’ve become just that…
Nothing

A dead start and a false end
I’m just waiting to descend
Everything leads me to nothing
__________________
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 04:35 AM   #127 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

I'm not too sure about this one... just putting touse some ideas I've had swimming around my head for a while.

TERMINALLY UNAFRAID

Concerning, this burning
You have conjured in my head
A level of torment
Enough to awaken the dead

I’m terminally unafraid
I’m terminally unashamed
Of the sins I commit
Now I don’t give a ****
‘Cause of you, I’m terminally unafraid

You laugh when I’m crawling
Are you playing or just stalling?
Reluctantly awaiting
This product of my hating

I’m terminally unafraid
I’m terminally uncontained
And I’ve been split right in two
By this anguish caused by you
I’m terminally unafraid

Shattered two-way mirror
Now I see your face, so clear
And you see me this last time
I hope you feel all my hurt
Right before you are buried
Six feet of vengeance and dirt

I’m terminally unafraid
Unafraid of everything
I’m terminally unafraid
Unafraid of any pain
I’m terminally unafraid
__________________

Last edited by Sljslj; 02-19-2011 at 05:01 AM.
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 11:48 PM   #128 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

STILL I TIRE

I’m uninspired
To continue with this life
Burning, on fire
This self-induced strife
I tire, I tire

Will a time come…
When I’ll walk once again, take my next step forward?
And will the sun…
Show itself before I’m lost in this internal storm?
Not quite undone
But almost, this is my final moment of sanity

Thousand-foot spire
I stand at the pinnacle
Higher and higher
Makes me so cynical…
Though no longer do I…
See any other life
Still I tire

Will a time come…
When I’ll walk away from this, my self-destructive curse?
And will the sun…
Stop blinding me, so I may envision a new course
Not quite undone
But almost, this is my final day in reality
__________________

Last edited by Sljslj; 10-28-2010 at 02:44 PM.
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2010, 04:51 AM   #129 (permalink)
The Omniscient
 
Sljslj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
Posts: 998
Default

What do you think of my two most recent lyrics??
__________________
Sljslj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2010, 06:23 AM   #130 (permalink)
Killed Laura Palmer
 
ThePhanastasio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ashland, KY
Posts: 1,679
Default

Quote:
Shattered two-way mirror
Now I see your face, so clear
From the first of the most recent two songs, I really liked this line. It worked really well. There was a bit of stuff forced into rhyme schemes, but a lot of people are guilty of that, so that's okay. Ultimately, both were a little angst-filled for my taste, but definitely not bad at all.

And from the most recent song posted:

Quote:
Burning, on fire
This self-induced strife
I tire, I tire
This bit was pretty strong, but I mostly just really liked the "I tire, I tire" at the end of that...verse, I presume?
ThePhanastasio is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2024 Advameg, Inc.