APCTOOL91's Song Journal

[APCTOOL91]

So I know I have this song in another thread but here it is as it appears in my Song Journal thingy.

"What Have I Become?"

We are free like the energy that surrounds us now
Breathing life in as we slowly, slowly start to progress
Revive me to let me breathe again
Rejuvenate me so I can start without my sins

I’m feeling down
But I know what I will be tomorrow
A slave again to my countless dependencies
Cuz I’m just too deep to get back up again

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

I am too out of it
To comprehend where to begin
So where I am, is where I’ll always be
In this Hell I have become

And so I must start again (x4)

Test after test
I’ll lose my faith
Down on my knees slave to my own enemy
I know I will lose this battle once more

And so I must start again
New body, new skin
Cut away what I am
Lose all of these fake, mirrored images

(chorus)
So here I am!
Heal me now!
Come down and save me
If you are real, then liberate my soul from what I have become!

So go ahead God save me from myself
Strike me down,
Because I cannot be set free
I don’t wanna be a burden anymore

[APCTOOL91]

"Euphoric"

I can feel myself drifting away
Its a feelin' I never get tired of
Even though the rope begins to break
The line between life and death is still there

Don't fret I'll see you soon enough
The bullet can take me home
Steel just takes too long
And gravity isn't so reliable these days

Its these flashbulb memories
That make me wanna go
So euphoric
In these chains

I will not stop 'til I decide
Its my own choice
Don't you try
To push yours on me

And I love it
When this starts to hurt
And I love it
When it kills a part of me

So euphoric
When I start to fade away
I'm something new everyday
You can recognize me

And I love it
When I start to die
And I love it
When I feel so far away

Its so damn euphoric...

[APCTOOL91]

They said to me
Nail him on the cross
They said to me
He should be a martyr for your sins

I say why do I have to believe you?
Don’t you push that on me!
What have I ever done to you?
Yeah, that’s right I didn’t think so

So then they decided to label me
A heretic in a sea of fools
This propaganda is killing me
Why doesn’t it seem to do the same to you?

Religion is a virus
And knowledge is the cure
Open up your mind
And you’ll find what’s soon in store

So they dragged me to the river
And they washed me in my blood
Destroyed what I had left inside of me
But they couldn’t take it all away

I stood up in defiance
And shoved that cross down their throats
And I said I don’t believe in God
So why do you want me to?

And religion is a virus
And knowledge is the cure

[OceanAndSilence]

i'm curious... the first post and the third seem to have conflicting ideals. are you devoutly religious and have doubt in your faith?

[APCTOOL91]

The first song is when I was a decently religious person, but after I had some experiences I became an atheist so the third song is my viewpoints now.

[VEGANGELICA]

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

"Euphoric"

I can feel myself drifting away
Its a feelin' I never get tired of
Even though the rope begins to break
The line between life and death is still there

Don't fret I'll see you soon enough
The bullet can take me home
Steel just takes too long
And gravity isn't so reliable these days

Its these flashbulb memories
That make me wanna go
So euphoric
In these chains

I will not stop 'til I decide
Its my own choice
Don't you try
To push yours on me

And I love it
When this starts to hurt
And I love it
When it kills a part of me

So euphoric
When I start to fade away
I'm something new everyday
You can recognize me

And I love it
When I start to die
And I love it
When I feel so far away

Its so damn euphoric...

Hi again APCTOOL91,

"Euphoric" is a sad song about self-destruction. I have several questions about the meaning. When you write, "Even though the rope begins to break The line between life and death is still there," is there a period between "break" and "The line?" If it is one sentence, then I start to wonder if the second half should say that it feels like the line between life and death *isn't* there, since that is part of what creates the sense of euphoria for the speaker.

Also, who is the person being addressed...the person who shouldn't fret? This person would be dead, I assume, and the mention of him/her made me wonder about the specifics. I start to want to look for some clue in the rest of the song about who is being addressed, but couldn't find any.

When you write that the bullet can take the singer home (kill him), but steel is too slow, do you mean the steel of the bullet or of some other weapon? I assume steel = knife. Also, have you considered describing more what the "flashbulb" memories are that make the person want to kill himself? When you mention them in the song I become curious to know more about why dying seems more euphoric to the singer than staying alive.

One final question: when you write "Its [it's] so damn euphoric," are you using damn in a negative way or positive? That is, is the singer angry a little at the euphoria, or just overwhelmed by how good it feels?

The final three stanzas do a good job describing the feeling of euphoria, I feel. The fact that you use 4 line stanzas gives some order to the song, and I do see some rhyming in there that holds it together. I noticed "away" used 3 times...which actually didn't stand out too much to me while reading, but whenever I see a word used frequently I usually want to make sure there isn't some other phrasing that would work just as well. The repetition of "And I love it" makes the lyrics sound like a song more than a poem. They give more of a "building" or crescendo feeling to the end of the song than I think you would get if you just kept using free verse without repetition.

Now, on to your next song about religious pressuring. As an atheist, I certainly have sometimes felt like the person described in this song! I've put feedback in bold below:

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

They said to me [an option would be "they told me"]
Nail him on the cross [I assume this line represents the people wanting the singer to believe, and the song is set in the present day rather than 1 A.D.?]
They said to me [perhaps "they told me" again? You see, my own preference is to minimize the number of words needed to say something in a given line, which doesn't mean it is wrong to use more than necessary]
He should be a martyr for your sins

I say [if they "said," above, then should this line be "I said" or "I replied" instead of "I say?"] why do I have to believe you?
Don’t you push that on me!
What have I ever done to you?
Yeah, that’s right [you could add here the word "nothing" to answer the question of what you ever did to them] I didn’t think so

So then they decided to label me
A heretic in a sea of fools [I like this line especially]
This propaganda is killing me
Why doesn’t it seem to [I think you could get rid of "it seem to" and the line would work just as well] do the same to you?

Religion is a virus
And knowledge is the cure
Open up your mind
And you’ll find what’s soon in store [what *is* soon in store?]

So they dragged me to the river
And they washed me in my blood
Destroyed what I had left inside of me [I think you can get rid of "of me" if you want to, since "inside" implies "of me"]
But they couldn’t take it all away

I stood up in defiance
And [you could remove the "And" to make this line sound more forceful, I feel] shoved that cross down their throats
And I said I don’t believe in God [to make the line more subtle, you could leave out "in God" because as soon as someone says "I don't believe," this implies that the person does not believe in the religion]
So why do you want me to?

And religion is a virus [the "And" in this line...you could remove it, I feel, to make the line into a stronger statement
And knowledge is the cure

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

after I had some experiences I became an atheist so the third song is my viewpoints now.

I feel songs about that transition (religious to atheist) would be very interesting...what it felt like, for example...because I never had to make this transition. The song above describes the aftermath. Was it even harder during the realization that you didn't feel there was any god?

APCTOOL91, I recommend you ask a moderator, maybe Toretorden, to merge your two threads so that all your works are in this one thread, which would help readers see the flow of your writing (as it changes from piece to piece and in revisions). Also, it's a rule to have just one song-writing thread per person, though I don't know how often it is enforced ! An advantage for you of keeping everything in one thread is that it may increase the number of views your thread gets, and thus increases the chance of feedback, because I think most people gravitate toward threads that already have a lot of views.

--Erica

[APCTOOL91]

I'm still rewriting the songs but I've been working on a song for about a week and just have this so far but I would like to hear any feedback!

Born in the graves
Of many lost men
Victim of the shockwaves
That threw to the city

Walked through her journey
Alone and brave
Although dark blinded her
She never strayed

Saw many of sins
War and the unpure
But she was the light
That kept it all going

A push then a shove
A spoken silence
Shelter the graves
Of the innocent

[APCTOOL91]

Wow! It has been awhile since I've posted anything on MusicBanter, but I have been writing in my spare time, not so much lyrics as short little lines (which I would love to transition into songs) and a couple of poems here and there. As always I love any feedback, I really feel it helps my writing abillity. Here's a couple things I've written in the last couple months, enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some random-ish short liners I would love to turn into songs but just haven't felt how to transition them.

"I'm beginning to find another point of view, one that's even better with you."

"When this place burns, it rains ashes, and the sun dissapears."

"I'm Mr. Copacetic, but I'm a lack luster ****in' ***got, and no one can respect that."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some poems I've written

"Be Still My Heart"

My heart is pounding
Racing at 1,000 miles per minute
My body quivers at your touch
And my breath shortens with each inhale

I become encaptured with your soft almond eyes
Your lips are satin with a bite of taste
You are the apple in Eden
Forbidden, but be still my heart
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Slip Of Sand Through The Hourglass"

I feel her prescence in my every step
Like waves in the ocean
That beat against the tired beach
Every motion, every current, it can feel

A lighthouse's beam scatters across the ocean
Coast to coast it fills my empty space
I sweat and I ache
As her love radiates through the undertow

Clouds burst into eons of melacholy rain
It fills the river as it's sediments
Flows into it's tributaries
As my soul is released from this Hell

I'm like a grain of sand
Slipping through the hourglass
But in the end
Aren't we all?

[VEGANGELICA]

You are branching out into love songs, APCTOOL!

The song below seems to show admiration for a person's way of being within the context of a warlike situation. I've included comments in bold. The additional poems/songs that follow it show the feeling of being "in love" with someone, an experience that (as often happens!) leads the speaker of the poems (who may or may not be you) to describe the powerful effect the person has on him and his life.

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

I'm still rewriting the songs but I've been working on a song for about a week and just have this so far but I would like to hear any feedback!

Born in the graves
Of many lost men
Victim of the shockwaves
That threw to the city
("Threw to the city"--what does that mean?)

Walked through her journey
Alone and brave
Although dark (perhaps "darkness" to smooth out the meter?) blinded her
She never strayed

Saw many of sins (I'd omit "of" or turn this line into "saw sin")
War and the unpure (would "impure" be better?)
But she was the light
That kept it all going
(what does the "it" refer to...I assume not the war and unpure. These lines confuse me...how she could be the light, someone who does good, but also perhaps contribute something bad.)

A push then a shove
A spoken silence
Shelter the graves
Of the innocent
("A spoken silence" confuses me. I like the oxymoron but don't know what it refers to and how it relates to the innocent dead, and how it shelters them. This poem seems to have religious overtones, but I'm not sure of the whole meaning. Is the woman a symbol of something? Or an actual person? I'd prefer to understand more of the setting in which the story takes place.)

And on to your newest:

Originally Posted by APCTOOL91

Here's some random-ish short liners I would love to turn into songs but just haven't felt how to transition them.

"I'm beginning to find another point of view, one that's even better with you."
(A break-up song?)

"When this place burns, it rains ashes, and the sun dissapears."
(Reminds me of the Holocaust...I'll be curious to see what you make of this line.)

"I'm Mr. Copacetic, but I'm a lack luster ****in' ***got, and no one can respect that."
(Well, this line is quite different! I had to look up what copacetic means: "Fine, excellent, going just right." I squirm a little with concern at the terminology hidden by the ****...and wonder what you'll perhaps turn this line into. I was just watching a video of the duo Erasure and thinking how nice it is to have bold, in-your-face people who don't fear showing their sexual preference however they wish to do so. Your line above is definitely bold!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some poems I've written

"Be Still My Heart"

My heart is pounding
Racing at 1,000 miles per minute
My body quivers at your touch (I recommend "trembles" instead of quivers, which reminds me of jello!)
And my breath shortens with each inhale
(with each "inhalation" perhaps?)

I become encaptured (should it be encaptured "by" or "in")
with your soft almond eyes
Your lips are satin with a bite of taste
You are the apple in Eden
Forbidden, but be still my heart
("Be still my heart sounds very cliche to me and rather flowery for a modern love poem that describes the age-old experience of infatuation and desire.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Slip Of Sand Through The Hourglass"

I feel her prescence in my every step
Like waves in the ocean
That beat against the tired beach
Every motion, every current, it can feel
("it can feel" sounds generic to me; you could instead say,
"That beat against the tired beach
feeling every motion, every current.")

A lighthouse's beam scatters across the ocean
Coast to coast it fills my empty space
I sweat and I ache
As her love radiates through the undertow
(I like the imagery! One of my favorite sights in nature is when you are underwater and the light plays down through the rippling surface ripples, radiating into the depths.)

Clouds burst into eons of melacholy rain
It fills the river as it's sediments
Flows into it's tributaries
As my soul is released from this Hell
(This stanza departs from the ocean metaphors and gets more melodramatic...so I wouldn't mind if it were omitted.

I'd prefer the poem to focus on the ocean, light, and beach metaphors without introducting yet another metaphor.

An example of using one metaphor to make a poem/song stronger is my favorite love poem, "The Silken Tent," by Robert Frost The Silken Tent by Robert Frost. I recommend you read this poem if you haven't read it yet, APCTOOL91, because I think all poets can gain a lot by analyzing how Frost constructed it. I feel "The Silken Tent" is a work of great beauty because of its deceptive simplicity, single-minded focus, and intense craftsmanship!)

I'm like a grain of sand
Slipping through the hourglass
But in the end
Aren't we all?

Yes, we are. This final stanza in your poem seems to be about a different topic than the rest of the poem, which is a love poem that at first seems to focus on the feeling of hope inspired by the person described. "Slipping through the hourglass" introduces a cliche metaphor that is very different from the ocean metaphors your song started with, so I advise trying to express the passage of time using an ocean metaphor...perhaps relating life to the ocean tide washing up over the beach and then ebbing away. This would necessitate a title change, of course!

I am now noticing that your poem has the speaker being both the beach and the ocean, which makes the poem a little muddled, I feel. Of course, when one is in love, part of the joy of that is feeling the boundaries between two people's lives have disappeared to some extent. I don't think that is the reason, though, that your poem shows the speaker to first be the beach, and then the empty space of the ocean through which the beloved's light radiates.

I like many of the images in this poem above...and the overall feeling of it. I just wish the poem were a little "tighter" and cleaner in its handling of the metaphors.

~ Erica