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Old 11-12-2011, 08:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default i woke up at 4 am and started writing..its a little rough and nowhere near done

Let me know what you think so far now this is my first post so take it easy

title: Inspiration

Your like a dream...
its like your not even there.
i reach out to touch you, and you
disappear.
Your smile so sweet your my
inspiration.
My way through life
My desperation.
my goals
my dreams
my inspiration
my heart
my mind
my inspiration
You can take it all

And yes i know its very short right now cause its not finished :p and thats where it ends. Right now i am in the process of finishing, ill take any bad or good thoughts!
amilia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2011, 09:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Im a songwriter myself and although i dont know your style, I might suggest something like this for the lyrics, you dont have to listen to me, just my thoughts:

Your like a dream
I guess it seems
Like your not even there
My hand through your hair
Although it's not real
For one second I can feel
................
lolmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-23-2011, 07:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amilia View Post
Let me know what you think so far now this is my first post so take it easy

title: Inspiration

Your like a dream...
its like your not even there.
i reach out to touch you, and you
disappear.
Your smile so sweet your my
inspiration.
My way through life
My desperation.
my goals
my dreams
my inspiration
my heart
my mind
my inspiration
You can take it all

And yes i know its very short right now cause its not finished :p and thats where it ends. Right now i am in the process of finishing, ill take any bad or good thoughts!
I don't really like it. It sounds a little unoriginal but I think if you tried working it into a song it might not matter. Or maybe it if you try added some very particular things in it like a specific person or experience or some kind more specific feelings it would make it not seem so generic sounding.

Just my opinion of course.
Odyshape is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-24-2011, 02:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I have to agree with Odyshape. If you were to add more specific feelings and/or experience it could be much better, more real. It's a good start, though.
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Old 11-30-2011, 05:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amilia View Post
Let me know what you think so far now this is my first post so take it easy

title: Inspiration

Your like a dream...
its like your not even there.
i reach out to touch you, and you
disappear.
Your smile so sweet your my
inspiration.
My way through life
My desperation.
my goals
my dreams
my inspiration
my heart
my mind
my inspiration
You can take it all

And yes i know its very short right now cause its not finished :p and thats where it ends. Right now i am in the process of finishing, ill take any bad or good thoughts!
Do you see how lolmaster posted? It is demonstrating rhythmic structure. It follows a pattern of rhyme.

There is nothing bad about it. It's your thoughts, and, you are trying to express them, so, don't let people discourage you from that.

I would simply suggest to follow a pattern of structure and rhyme. Google 'rhythmic structure', and, look at some lyrics to some of your favorite songs, and study the patterns.

And, don't let a boy or man mix your mind up to the point of writing poetry

They are not worth it. "Treat em like crap, and they'll love you for it". If you don't keep em guessing, they will always wonder if they can do better. That is over a half-century of Wisdom you just can't buy anywhere

And, that is coming from a man who knows men, and Loves women. Tom Petty

I am kidding, but, I am seriously kidding.

peace
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Last edited by blankety blank; 11-30-2011 at 05:27 AM. Reason: text
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