jordm

Hi just looking for some feedback on some lyrics i put together, nothing big just spent about 10 minutes on it so let me know what you think

(to the instrumental of dance with the devil - immortal technique)

Yo, I might just seem like another MC but your tune will soon change once you listen to me, I ain't gonna rap about guns n heat, I ain't gonna rap about how it is on the street, you see I spit the truth up in this booth and when i hit the beat i knock you straight off your feet, the power of my lyrics will crush you like a grape, the force of my words could be mistaken for rape, now please don't think you ***gots can get away with dissin' me just because im following my dream with an epiphany cos i'll make you history, you'll feel less man than after having a vasectomy, I'll **** you up, cut you up, rip, tear, slash and burn you up then you might just give the **** up, stop your breathing, Im'a be like the Spanish inquisition to a poor heathen

Urban Hat€monger ?

You spent 10 minutes on that?

I would have said 2 minutes.

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FRED HALE SR.

I was just curious how a vasectomy would make someone feel like less of a man. I want this twenty seconds back also.

Janszoon

Here's some feedback for you:

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A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man

Time & Place

25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die

last.fm

mr dave

If you can't be bothered to spend any amount of worthwhile time actually crafting something then why the hell should anyone else waste any time on the result?

Ernest Hemingway said it best "The first draft of anything is sh!t"

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i am the universe

Scarlett O'Hara

I think he is trying to impress us with his freestyle

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VEGANGELICA

I actually thought your lyrics were quite cute, jordm.

I wonder, though, why rappers seem so fixated on the idea of dominating others and being the best. The attempt to appear so capable and successful makes the rap artists look weaker in my eyes, since they seem to need to feel better than others to feel okay about themselves. Lyrics like yours make me think that the bragging hides insecurity. I think I'd prefer a rap song where the rapper says, "I'm not the best, because this ain't no competition. I do it 'cause I love it, not because I got ambition."

Although I'm not wild about the typical rap theme of the rapper being the best and squashing all competition, I do like how you illustrate this prowess using some amusing ("the power of my lyrics will squash you like a grape") and startling ("the force of my words could be mistaken for rape") analogies.

I especially liked the line, "Im'a be like the Spanish inquisition to a poor heathen," because of the historical element. You could make your lyrics even more politically charged by referring to the way the Spanish dominated and exterminated the native Indians of the New World (even severing their limbs and feeding them to dogs, apparently).

In case you someday want to make more references in your rap lyrics to disturbing historical times of domination, conquest, and genocide, I recommend you watch The Truth About Christopher Columbus and other conquerers from Europe who decimated the Indigenous peoples of the Americas, causing 100 million of them to die:

The Truth About Christopher Columbus and 1492


The Truth About Christopher Columbus and 1492 - YouTube

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blastingas10

Blastingas10 on the track, I ****ed ya mama once, gave her a heart attack. She eat dick like big macs, she got the Arby's roast beef, whats that noise? Sound like a queef. I got that needle dick, bitch, I can even pick ya teeth

jordm

Thanks for the feedback. I know im not good just wondered if those lyrics where decent ha Thanks a lot VEGANGELICA, lots of constructive criticism there