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Old 05-18-2016, 02:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hi all, I've just come out of a relationship and it ignited my artistic flare. I would like some opinions of some lyrics I've written. Unfortunately I am not musically minded so there is no music to any of them as of yet.

Always and Forever

I knew we were over, I could tell by your face/I knew there was trouble by the way that you paced/Your heart was broken, broken in two/I tried to fix it but there was nothing I could do/I was too late, too late to stop you drifting away/Too late to make you hold on to what we had made/Woooh, ohhhh my baby where did we go wrong?/Woooh, ohhhh my baby when did we go wrong?/Because always and forever it's you that I want.

Chorus.
Come back to me babe come back to me please/Yes I'll promise you babe, I'll promise you this/From this day and this day forth/I'll love you and love you with all that I've got.

I'll be closing my eyes from now on wishing I was by your side/Because when I close my eyes and dream, you never stop being mine/In my dreams we don't have to worry, not even about time/All we do is walk all day holding hands in the sunshine/Woooh, ohhhh my baby in my dreams we never go wrong/Woooh Ohhhh my baby it will never go wrong/Because always and forever it's you that I want.

Chorus.
Come back to me babe come back to me please/Yes I'll promise you babe, I'll promise you this/From this day and this day fourth/I'll love you and love you with all that I've got.

Song 2.
Love

The bang of the front door still resonates/Those tears of pain still sending shockwaves/The bang of that door, still making my heart ache.

I want this day to end, I don't feel well/Find the spot on the pillow where your perfume still smells/Whisper you goodnight and finish the Bells.

The nights are always cold when your not next to me in bed/Left alone too many thoughts run through my head/Wish we were making up by making love instead.

Chorus
This is love baby and it ain't always clean/Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it's mean/But it will heal if you hold me and stay strong as a team.

Like a metaphor, another broken phone lies in pieces on the floor/If a picture tells a thousand words then those pieces say it all.

I just want to say sorry so where are you?/I'll check the window again hoping you'll show/I guess it won't be today? So maybe tomorrow?

I need to clear my head and get some fresh air/My minds racing forward but my feet go nowhere/With tear stained cheeks there you stand, there you stare.

Chorus
This is love baby and it ain't always clean/Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it's mean/But it will heal if you hold me and stay strong as a team.

(C) Copyright TFTunes 2016
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Old 05-21-2016, 01:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Gonna be a critic here, so sorry if I offend. I think the first song was pretty cheesy. It's been done before. It didn't really seem like the sadness in the lyrics was very inspired or serious, let alone relatable. I think the language of love you're going for needs a more cryptic side, like riddles or metaphors. Also, try to downplay the opposing side with some metaphors, but not to a "whiny" extent. That way, there's more "pain." As for the second song, I liked the lyrics, except the chorus needs some work. I especially disliked the last line in the chorus, as it felt like a life lesson from a child's movie rather than a romantic relationship. I did like the part, "Wish we were making up by making love instead." That was actually quite good.
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Last edited by JGuy Grungeman; 05-21-2016 at 01:31 PM.
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Old 05-21-2016, 02:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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i agree

too cheesy

stop using babe/baby so much pls.
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Old 05-25-2016, 11:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Only Robert Plant can do that.
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Old 05-26-2016, 01:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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It ignited your artistic flare. That's as far as I read before I felt the urge to puke.
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Old 05-26-2016, 02:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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It's... not that good. I'd like to be more constructive than that, but I don't think there's anything here worth saving. You should... work on writing different songs that are as far away from what you have here as humanly possible.

The overuse of babe/baby, the lack of any sort of discernible originality, the melodrama and the general sense of an especially heinous sort of hardcore vapid stupidity all make me want to jab my eyes out with a drill-press and then hang myself from the CN Tower with an electrified rope that sends shocks in excess of 10,000 volts through my body as I slowly die. While listening to Dream Theater.

So, uh, good try?
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Old 05-26-2016, 01:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeadChannel View Post
The overuse of babe/baby, the lack of any sort of discernible originality, the melodrama and the general sense of an especially heinous sort of hardcore vapid stupidity all make me want to jab my eyes out with a drill-press and then hang myself from the CN Tower with an electrified rope that sends shocks in excess of 10,000 volts through my body as I slowly die. While listening to Dream Theater.
Sig-ing this. Thx bb
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Originally Posted by DeadChannel
The overuse of babe/baby, the lack of any sort of discernible originality, the melodrama and the general sense of an especially heinous sort of hardcore vapid stupidity all make me want to jab my eyes out with a drill-press and then hang myself from the CN Tower with an electrified rope that sends shocks in excess of 10,000 volts through my body as I slowly die. While listening to Dream Theater.
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Old 05-26-2016, 03:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I try.
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Old 05-26-2016, 05:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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F'n brilliant! ....the reviews of those lyrics, I mean. Especially DeadChannel's.

As for the lyrics, they belong in /r/cringe.
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Old 05-27-2016, 05:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
 
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I'm so annoyed that you copyrighted these because I really wanted to steal them.
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The overuse of babe/baby, the lack of any sort of discernible originality, the melodrama and the general sense of an especially heinous sort of hardcore vapid stupidity all make me want to jab my eyes out with a drill-press and then hang myself from the CN Tower with an electrified rope that sends shocks in excess of 10,000 volts through my body as I slowly die. While listening to Dream Theater.
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