You should stick to making awful songs:rolleyes:

Obviously I'm taking the piss, but you know, hint hint.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."
About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."


HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY!!!

oh god it wasn't overly funny but it did make me laugh a little haha..

what do michael jackson and a silver medalist have in common?



they both came in a little behind.

^ OOO! O thought i had heard them all....That one is...Disgusting haha

You guys wanna hear a joke?




















Women's Rights.

I don't get it =\

Christ lad, if you don't get it you never will, it's like Opera, you never get it but you learn to appreciate it.

Sorry to the jews but its funny

Who's the best Jewish cook?
Hitler

1. Hitler wasn't Jewish
2. That joke is in horrible taste

in all fairness, he was half jewish, and this is the offensive jokes thread................

ok so maybe this is the "offensive jokes" thread, but that joke was made in horrlble taste. what happened during world war two wasnt a joking matter. and besides, that joke has been done so many times that its not even funny any more.

you make a good point, I surrender, you win.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. "For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth."

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

* Throws up *....Fuc.kin eh man haha

In all fairness, you're completely missing what he meant by jewish cook and I agree the joke was in horrible taste, overdone and not very funny.

GROSS.......thank you....for ruining my dinner.

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and
gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on
the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

what do and g ay man with amnesia have in common with a magazine??

they both come out every week!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha

Please shut up.
You didn't say a word at any of the racist jokes, baby killing jokes, sexist jokes, or any other joke in this thread for that matter. You standing up against that joke, and saying "What happed to the Jews wasn't funny", obviously means that in your eyes, the other jokes were funny. So, one can only assume that you find murdering babies, lynching black people, desecrating women, and any other jokes in this thread are funny. If you're going to stand up for the injustices against the Jews, then why haven't you stood up for any other Ethnic group?

Scouser walks into a Manchester pub and asked for a pint of lager.
Recognising a Scouse accent, the whole pub falls silent and turns to look at the man.
Realising he has made a bad mistake he turns and heads for the door.
The barman says "Where the fuck do you think your off to, yer granny robbing Scouse dolite. Your going nowhere till you roll the dice".
"What do you mean, roll the dice?", replies the bin dipper.
"Well if you roll 1 to 5 you get your teeth kicked in". Says the barman.
"What if I roll a six?" says the Scouser.
Barman replies, "You get another go!"

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

I totally agree with PerfectionThruSilence. That was an awful joke. It was personal, offensive and even showed extremely bad taste in an Offensive Jokes thread. It didn't make me laugh and I don't know who would laugh at such a thing.

















April Fools.

Haha, I take it a scouser is some form of football species that no mancunian is allowed to even consider worthwhile?

Scouser = inhabitant of Liverpool.

Liverpool is the worlds most notorius slum. It was established as a major slum in 1971 when Karl Shanks Scallio who was crowned leader, was exiled there from the respectable city of Salford for robbing too many Pensioners. Since then the situation has deteriorated, poverty is at 98%, 9 out of 10 children don't know who their biological father is. Things came to head in early 1996 when the whole of the slum had to be fenced off to protect the elderly. As of 2005 things seem to be only getting worse, tanks and helicopters were recently sent in to help protect the OAPs who wanted to collect their pensions. Some plus points though, 10% of households now have running water, electricity and sewage, and there are now 249 telephones in operation. ;)

haha. There are just some things that you really need to be British for, huh?

What do you call a scouser in a suit?





The ACCUSED

What do you call a Scouser in a semi-detatced house?
A burgler.

What do you call a Scouse girl in a white shell suit?
The bride.

what do you call a scouser in a bowl haircut and a suit and appears on tv?
a beatle

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers!

So theres 3 guys that are standing at Heaven's Gates, when God shows up...

God says "Well, we're running low on space up here, so i have something new

im trying. Im going to ask you how long youve been with your wife, and how

many times youve cheated on her. then, i'll give you a car, based on your

answers."

The first guy says, "I've been married for 5 years, and cheated 10 times."

God is outraged and yells "TEN TIMES?! GEEZ!!! Your car is that piece of crap

25 year old Vovlo junk."

The second guy steps forward and says, " Well, I've been married 8 years, and

cheated 5 times."

God then says, "Not as bad, but still not good. Here, take this mid-condition

pick-up."

The third guy tells God, "I've been happily married 15 years, and never

cheated on my wife."

God is pleased and give the man a 2006 Dodge Viper.


....A few weeks later, the men with the crap cars find the man with the Viper

sitting on the side of the road crying. They ask him what happened, and he

says, "Well, I thought we were happily married, but she just rode by on a scooter."

I don't get it.

The guy who never cheated had a wife who was given a scooter, because all the people who cheated got sh*t cars, his wife got a scooter....because she cheated on him....

That wasn't a bad one. I liked it.

As a spokesperson for Jews everywhere (even though I'm not Jewish) I'd like to say...

**** you.

hiu...I'll put that one down to bad taste.

Deep breaths hobo...deep breaths.

The thread is called Offensive Jokes afterall.

Which is fine...until someone gets offended. :)
Jokes are meant to be funny and there's nothing funny about the Holocaust.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Why did the girl fall off the running machine?

Because she had no legs.

Why did the girl fall off the bike?

Because I threw a fridge at her.