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Old 05-20-2009, 03:58 PM   #251 (permalink)
Trigger Happy Catalyst
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Springfield, Mo.
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Talking The Freudian Slip

A man was talking to his friend,

"Bob, you know how I go on those business trips all the time? Well, I'm waiting in line at the airport and the woman at the ticket counter has this huge nice rack barely hiding behind her low cut shirt and I can't stop looking at it, and by the time I up there instead of asking for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to titsburg'! I was so embarrassed!"

So Bob says,

"That kind of thing happens all the time, why just the other morning I was sitting down at the breakfast table with my wife and I meant to say, 'Honey, baby, sweetheart, could you pass me the salt and pepper, please?' and instead I said, 'Bitch, you're ruining my life!'"
How quickly I forget that this is meaningless.
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Old 05-21-2009, 03:46 PM   #252 (permalink)
Cardboard Box Realtor
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Location: Hobb's End
Posts: 7,648

How do you make a woman orgasm?

Who cares?

That joke made me quite popular at work for some reason, it really explained why only one guy actually had a family and the rest were a mixture of alcoholics, drug addicts, and everything inbetween.
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Old 06-11-2009, 12:35 PM   #253 (permalink)
Bigger and Better
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Location: Texas girl living in the UK
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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in.

I walked in barely awake. She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up. I thought, 'I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be a great day.'

I embraced her and gave her my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She replied, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Women are so mean.
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Old 06-11-2009, 12:50 PM   #254 (permalink)
Ba and Be.
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Location: This Is England
Posts: 17,331

A girl at work said to me that her breasts were to small so I said that you should get some toilet paper fold it and rub it between them. She asked if that really does work to which I replied-'well look what's it's done to your arse'

“A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”
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Old 06-11-2009, 02:45 PM   #255 (permalink)
Bringer of Carrots
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Location: New York, NY
Posts: 648

Good stuff, keep em coming people
"It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile,
but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face."
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Old 07-29-2009, 05:06 PM   #256 (permalink)
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If you're American going into a toilet, and you're American coming out of the toilet, what are you while you're in the toilet??

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Old 07-29-2009, 11:53 PM   #257 (permalink)
Join Date: Jul 2009
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What do you do when the dish washer is broken? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get to work.
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Old 08-01-2009, 08:59 AM   #258 (permalink)
Man vs. Wild Turkey
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A Blonde goes into a library, walks up to the counter and says, "I'D LIKE A CHEESEBURGER WITH FRIES, PLEASE."
The librarian gives her a puzzled look and says, "Ma'am, you're in a library!"
The Blonde shakes her head apologetically and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger with fries, please."
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Old 10-07-2009, 12:33 PM   #259 (permalink)
Bigger and Better
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife; and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 4, we have a husband down.'
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Old 10-08-2009, 11:00 AM   #260 (permalink)
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Widnes,England
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Two cows standing in a field one says to the other "Mooo" the other says "I was going to say that!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Forget that why's she out of the kitchen?!
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