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Old 01-29-2019, 08:05 PM   #571 (permalink)
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A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven. God tells him that he will answer one of the man's questions. The man asks "Who shot JFK?" God answers "It was Lee Harvey Oswald. He did it, and he acted alone." The conspiracy theorists replies "Bullshit. This thing goes higher than I thought!"

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Old 01-31-2019, 09:21 AM   #572 (permalink)
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I want to start an iron sights company so it's slogan can be "We Aim to Please".
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Old 01-31-2019, 09:33 AM   #573 (permalink)
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A colt walked into a bar but couldn't ask for a beer because he was a little hoarse.
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Old 01-24-2020, 08:34 AM   #574 (permalink)
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

Spoiler for ze PUNCH! line:
Because he asked them who their favorite composer was and they all said: "Bach Bach Bach!".
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Old 01-24-2020, 08:59 AM   #575 (permalink)
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I'm pretty sure that's not how German pronunciation works
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I want to open a school for MB's lost boys and teach them basic coping skills and build up their self esteem and strengthen their emotional intelligence and teach them about vegetables and institutionalized racism and sexism and then they'll all build a bronze statue of me in my honor and my bronzed titties will forever be groped by the grubby paws of you ****ing whiny pathetic white boys.
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Old 01-24-2020, 09:09 AM   #576 (permalink)
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Y'all lost your chance to boss people around in 45
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Old 01-24-2020, 09:24 AM   #577 (permalink)
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I can't get past the pronunciation for entrance and exit.
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Old 04-06-2020, 12:10 PM   #578 (permalink)
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
Spoiler for do not open until Xmas:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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