Granted. You'll never be on the other side.

I wish I didn't terminally have the sex drive of a teenager. ****'s ****ing ridiculous at times, yo.

Granted, but now you have the sex drive of a toddler and can't fight the urge to bang your mom and kill your dad.

I wish Sun Ra would take me to Saturn.

Granted, but it's ****ing Saturn. What are you gonna do? Lay on the grass and stare up at the beautiful blue sky?

I wish smoking weed didn't make me paranoid and anti-social.

Granted, but you're still a dick.

I wish my car had a working set of speakers.

Granted. They only work at maximum volume and you soon develop tinnitus.

I wish I didn't hate my job and compulsively assume the worst about every customer.

Granted. You like your job and are now one of those people.

I wish the left bumper on my XBox controller would work.

Granted. You replace it with the right bumper. Now the right bumper won't work.

I wish my family's record player wasn't sh*tty

Granted, but the only music that plays good quality is Justin Bieber's and Nickelback's discog.

I wish that I could instantly memorise my Java notes.

Granted, but they are written in Swahili.

I wish that could go to Hell when I died so I could party with Satan and all the cool rock stars, and when Hitler walked by I'd give him a polite but tense head nod. Then we'd all try to go back to partying like nothing happened, but it'd still be all weird.

Granted, but the head nod denotes that he's free to fuck you in the ass whenever he wants.

I wish I had an unlimited supply of orange juice.