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Old 02-02-2006, 09:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
They call me Tundra Boy
 
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Default Edification of the Impatient Patient

Don't think I've posted this up yet. If I have then I apologise.

-----

These four walls
Are useless to me now
Without her breath upon the window
Her sweat across my brow
She is my motivation through the ebb of life
I fall to the wayside, but she pulls me back each night

With convolutions of the human desire
We find our retribution in the back seat of my car
As daylight fades my senses pine
I need to feel her skin on mine
Bring her now to edify me
Bring her now to edify me

You are all I need tonight
The rest means nothing
Its just societal veneer
Just ticker tape and bunting
You are my motivation through the ebb of life
I fall to the wayside, you pull me back each night

With convolutions of the human desire
We find our retribution in the back seat of my car
So light a candle and lock the door
I need to feel my skin on yours
I need you now to edify me
I need you now to edify me
I need you now to edify me
To edify me

-----

Any comments appreciated, no matter how ridiculous or insulting.
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Old 02-03-2006, 09:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Thematically stock and trade material -- there are no great ideas here. But it's good practice for if you decide to write about more interesting and less explored areas (no pun).

It has flow and gets the point across without being too cliché. The repetition at the end bothers me though. Overall I woud say upper-average. I think you can do better.
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Old 02-03-2006, 10:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
The repetition at the end bothers me though.
By that do you mean:
1. The line itself which is being repeated bothers you (i.e. that same line would bother you if it were only used once).
2. The fact that this line in particular was chosen to be repeated bothers you (you would have preferred a different line to be repeated).
3. The idea of repetition of ANY line in this situation bothers you.

Or something else? After I posted that one up today I had an idea about it - the repeated line in particular - and I was wondering if you were thinking the same thing.
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Old 02-03-2006, 01:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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For lyrical purposes in a song as repetition in an outro for example I think it's fine. So far as poetry I think it's excessive. In the line itself the word "now" feels like filler which if you need to sing an extra sllyable there to fit the melody (or for meter in poetry) I suppose I can accept that, although barely. Some use of filler is less obvious than others though so it depends on your construction too.

If these are song lyrics and you should try to keep choruses seperately from verses as well as outros and so on by always using line spaces in between.
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Old 02-03-2006, 03:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
We find our retribution in the back seat of my car

of the whole thing, this was my least favorite line. It brings a far to "real" image into this song. You use alot of metaphors and then to 'call out' your car like this seems out of place.

and I agree with Sun that the edify bit towards the end might need to be changed, depends on how it is presented in a song.

but other than that the first stanza is amazing.
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Old 02-03-2006, 04:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riseagainstrocks
of the whole thing, this was my least favorite line. It brings a far to "real" image into this song. You use alot of metaphors and then to 'call out' your car like this seems out of place.

and I agree with Sun that the edify bit towards the end might need to be changed, depends on how it is presented in a song.

but other than that the first stanza is amazing.
Actually, I agree with you about the 'Edify me part'. It is a lyric, rather than a poem although if you want to read it as a poem then by all means do so. The 'Edify me' part is where the chorus riff and melody are but its become pretty obvious to me that the chorus lyric (and the melody which go with it) is weak. If I came up with suggestions for chorus lines would you be up for pointing out to me which is strongest? That'd be a great help.
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'd be honored. (I prefer to read things as songs when they are written in this format)
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