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Old 02-03-2006, 04:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default what? a new song? from rar? WHAT!?!?

that's right, it's been like 2 months since I have penned something. I'm a tad rusty and this is simply a rough draft, but I'm trying this new thing called "rhyming" not sure what it is though. (by the way, the majority of this is screamed with the "I'm starting too" bit sung and the subsequent verse screamed)

Indiana Jones Would Be Proud

All that Iím left with is all that Iíve tried to forget
Of memories and daydreams, of people and places Iíve been

I run through these hallways and up to these altars with a bag of sand (held in each hand)
The shelves hold their files and all the meanwhile (this hole in my chest wasnít planned)

Iím starting to, feel like everything Iíve tried gave up and just died
So how are you, acting like everything Iíll hide is another rope Iíve tied

Iím starting to, realize that hope is not a friend but a means until the end
So how are you, pretending that faith is a God-send not rules made to bend

This is our final hour
This is our finest hour
This our finest day
And my last chance to say

I meant not a word that you heard in the stairway that night and light will never cease
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Old 02-03-2006, 04:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I like where it's going, the only thing that really stood out right off the bat were these lines:

This is our final hour
This is our finest hour

the wording is just a little awkward seeming with both of them being so similar. It can work, but it's the only part of the song where you use that technique, so it stands out a lot.
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riseagainstrocks
I run through these hallways and up to these altars with a bag of sand (held in each hand)
The shelves hold their files and all the meanwhile (this hole in my chest wasnít planned)

I meant not a word that you heard in the stairway that night and light will never cease
You work those rhymes guv'nor. The lines above are the ones which confused me, which I does not liketh. 'This hole in my chest wasnt planned' and 'I meant not a word that you heard in the stairway' are good bits, but I wasn't sure what you meant with the rest of these phrases.

Other than that I think its very good. Your new discovery of rhymage and meterage excite me...
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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i wish i could write songs like that. i can never come up with anything.

i like it a lot, it flows really well and all, theres only one part that i would change:
Quote:
I run through these hallways and up to these altars with a bag of sand (held in each hand)
The shelves hold their files and all the meanwhile (this hole in my chest wasn’t planned)
if that is the part youre planning on having screamed, the part i highlighted messes up the flow a little bit. the part that (im guessing) is sung, is a too short, and the part that is screamed (again, assuming the part in the parentheses is screamed) is too long. depending on the tempo of the song, and the vocal style...that might throw it off a little bit.

maybe not, but that was the vibe that i got when i read that part.
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Interesting PerFeCTion, that highlighted part was the section of that phrase that I liked... Can we say, to clarify, that we think he should rewrite the part that PerFeCTion quoted?
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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the title of the song really does mean what it says.

The altar's bit is when Dr. Jones (in Raiders of the Lost Ark), steals the gold statue and replaces it with bags of sand. The whole in the chest bit is from Temple of Doom, when he becomes possessed by the Kali Mah. Not a real hole but a hole of morality.

yep I'm still confusing.

and Perfection, I haven't decided yet how the part you redded will be sung/screamed whatever. but thanks for the thought.
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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not re-write it, but rephrase it slightly.
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How'd I end up here to begin with? I don't know.
Why do I start what I can't finish?
Oh please, don't barrage me with questions to all those ugly answers.
My ego's like my stomach- it keeps shitting what I feed it.
But maybe I don't want to finish anything anymore..
maybe I can wait in bed 'til she comes home. and whispers....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shooting Star
Remember kids: It's only real metal if the vocalist sounds like he's vomiting up a fetus. \m/
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