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Old 09-25-2008, 10:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
Master, We Perish
 
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You're pushing it, but I will. I'm a good guy, remember that. But I should really put another song up here if I write another one.
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Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 09-27-2008, 09:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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I will review
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Old 12-03-2008, 11:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Poem I wrote

Kinda quickly. There's a poetry night tomorrow, and I didn't wanna back down after signing up. Here it is:

There’s blood in a gutter
There’s only one question: Was it a beating or a cutter?
An abusive father terrifies a young child to studder
Until he can speak no longer
High society puts diamonds in all their jewels
They see what happens in Africa, though they play a fool
They’ll risk the genocide as long as they stay cool
But diamonds don’t mean class
We have more options, but we still use oil
It only brings harm to earth and international turmoil
The substance sleeps underneath like a snake in its coil
While chaos and treachory occur above
There’s not much hope but there’s hopeful people
I try to stay hopeful but there’s so much evil
Know a man one day, the next he’s brought down the church’s steeple
But hey, life goes on.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans

Last edited by Surell; 12-03-2008 at 11:17 PM.
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Old 12-17-2008, 01:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Another Rap I Wrote

You guys seemed to like my last one, I hope you enjoy this one equally as much. And yes, it's ridden with allusions and metaphors. I think I'll call it Call Me.

Call me a stuntman, call me Knievel
Call me the Joker cuz Iím straight up evil
Call me an earthquake because I cause upheavel
Call you Jesus Christ cuz this is your last meal
Donít call me a lawyer cuz I donít cut deals
Call me a robot cuz I donít feel
Call me Superman; Iím made of steel
Call me a vietcong cuz I rule the killing fields
Call me inhumane cuz Iíll bludgeon you like a seal
Call me a pimp like Iím ****in Jessica Biel
Call me an Aztec cuz I leave behind ruins
Call me Ali cuz a fight for meís a shoo-in
Call it a short brawl cuz youíll get two in
Call you a bitch cuz youíll call your whole crew in
Call me a legend cuz Iíll take your whole crew out
Call me an actor cuz that was my cue out
Call me double barrel cuz Iíll get two out
Call me an assassin cuz I gotta take a few out
Call me a beast, I eat up rappers with a side of beats
Call me a pilgrim cuz Iíll have a feast
Call me a villain for my dastardly deeds
Call me McDonald for killin the beef
Call me Scarface cuz I canít stand ****roaches
Donít call me Rocky cuz I donít need any coaches
Call me a cheetah for my stealthy approaches
Call me a mob for blazin up with the torches
Call me the Mob for hittin em with the choppers
Call me Ice T for killin off the coppers
Call me the North Pole for being the topper
And call me Shawn Michaels for being the showstopper
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 12-17-2008, 06:13 PM   #15 (permalink)
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All right... it has attitude. I like attitude. However... "call me" is repeated way too much, in my opinion... I know that's the point of the piece, but it just gets relentless after a while, and not in a good way... Some of the lines are great, but rhyming "out" three times is just rather annoying. Like all the allusions, not sure where the metaphors were, though.

Favorite line: "Call me Jesus Christ cuz this is your last meal"

Thought the Ali line was a bit corny, and not particularly fond of an easy rhym with "shoo-in" just before that. The Aztec/ruin thing was good, though. "Legend" line seems to serve no purpose and it just comes off pretentious, to me. Pilgrim/feast line just kinda made me chuckle... I mean, it just doesn't seem to fit.

But the last line was golden. So, overall... it needs some work, but I like what you're trying to do.

So... crit for crit? Pweez? http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...ay-winter.html
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Old 12-17-2008, 07:00 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I don't like the repitition of "Call me".

So, let me get this:
You're the Anti-Christ and you don't want to be compared to Rocky??????
wtfman, messed up!
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Old 12-17-2008, 09:46 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Yeah, that legend line was weird, but I didn't know another word for that line.

And I never said I was the Anti Christ, sir!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 12-18-2008, 01:45 AM   #18 (permalink)
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"Call you Jesus Christ cuz this is your last meal"
I just took this as a John Wilkes Booth statement.
Plus all the other things you said that could be considered morally "bad".
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Old 12-18-2008, 06:04 PM   #19 (permalink)
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That doesn't make me the Anti Christ, though. It just makes me a bad person. I won't deny that one.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhateverDude View Post
Laser beams, psychedelic hats, and for some reason kittens. Surrel reminds me of kittens.
^if you wanna know perfection that's it, you dumb shits
Spoiler for guess what:
|i am a heron i ahev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:20 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Hahaha well played sir.. Well played.
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