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Old 03-08-2009, 11:43 PM   #11 (permalink)
Souls of Sound Sailors
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Veridical Fiction View Post
Schiz,

I wish I could offer some constructive criticism here, but I'm afraid I'd have to re-write the entire work. That is not a reflection of your abilities, only a reflection of my biases in relation to creative writing in general.

I would be interested in reading anything else you may have floating around, though.
^If you could, I love to hear your views.

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Originally Posted by aModernMyth View Post
I really like it! ^_^
^Thank you.
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Old 03-09-2009, 02:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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do you have more coming?
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Old 03-09-2009, 10:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by aModernMyth View Post
do you have more coming?
I'm thinking of re-posting some poems I posted a while back, but maybe not. Right now I'm just trying to get as much critisism on this piece as possible so I can revise it correctly, and I have barely any. I found a poetry website that I could post it on, but I have to make a few comments first, and also I feel insecure about being called retarded there. Oh well, guess I should man-up!

To answer your question, not any time soon. I like every poem I write to be better then the last, and as of now I don't know how to improve. Also, I only have an incentive to write when I have something I think is a really good concept to write on. Elsewise it's boring and not as challenging.

Although, once I get much, much better (as I tried this before, put in four hours, failed miserably, and put the porject on hold) I would like to write a short and eerie story in either iambic or torchee octameter and with some rhyme scheme to it about a woman being traped to see her naked flaws for eternity, this would tourture her forever because of her denial of her own sick actions and innability to deal with life.
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Old 03-09-2009, 11:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default My most recent poem; as follows,

I don't know if I should post this here or not, I don't know how to start my own thread.



fear of being wrong,

Searching for entrances into the conversations of others, re-reading their history to quell the fear, I was ready.

Agreements made and rejections dodged I stay, antisipating the next segue, it doesn't come and in fear I move on, I hunt again.

Laughing at one and angry with the last, my opinions are stated, looking to defendand and getting chastised, can they sense my fear? I am waiting.
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:31 PM   #15 (permalink)
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^ There's a button on the top right of the songwriting forum that says "New Thread" Here: Link back to Song Writing Forum and the Direct link to "New Thread"
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I look forward to more Schiz! ^_^

I know i havent been here long, but its very nice to read your work!
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Old 03-10-2009, 09:27 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Schiz,
Here is my revision based on personal preference. And like the little bottles of herbal remedies proclaim; the following statements have not been evaluated and should not be used to diagnose or cure any defects.
So to speak.

I changed the title a little, a lot of the word useage, and the outcome of the story.
Let me know what you think.


BETRAYAL OF A TERMINAL MONOMANIA

A pleasant coma
He'd die to obtain
In pursuit of a cause
And astray of a reason

His painful escape,
That beautiful hold
Would find herself in atrophy again

A desire and decay
Surrender him, it should
And aggregate to expedite his end

If not for that descent
His contradicting indecision
Inescapability that's real

Expending resolution
Would he remain the tortured lonely
Just for the ability to feel.
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:30 PM   #18 (permalink)
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^Beautifully done! It gives me a warm feeling to see you using specific diction to play around with the concepts, makes me feel like someone knows where I was coming from when I wrote it. So, in the end, are you leaving it a choice? Like a decesion he has to stay tourtured and lonely for his obsession? Or did I misinterprete?
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Old 03-10-2009, 11:45 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Basically what I re-interpreted it as is:

He's tortured by his existence, but he's torn between the pain and a fear of the end.
He can't stand the pain, but it weighs equally with his fear of feeling nothing at all.

Ultimately, he's at a crossroads where he either sacrifices his life to end his pain, or sacrifices everything else in order to keep feeling anything at all.

The concept is a tug-of-war that has equal stregnth on both sides, leaving the protagonist ultimately torn.
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:50 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I think that's an interesting concept, and I like it. Do you mean keep from feeling anything at all? The protagonist obviously doesn't want to feel anything throughout the entire poem, It's actually his method of achieving feeling nothing at all which eventually takes his friends, family, self-worth, and most importantly who he is emotionally (in my version anyway); IMO basically leaving him as nothing to the world and nothing to himself but his achieved vegatative state. The question of his pain (in my version) only comes when diving deep into the conecepts, seeing as how it never speaks of why he needs to be so fukking gone, it's only implied that he has some pain he is running from. I suppose it's also implied that there is some actual emotional pain he must be experiencing in the fact that he changes throughout the poem, and in the fact that he offs himself in the end. After all, why would all his friends/possesions being gone and his worth to himself and the world effect him at all if there wasn't some part of him not in this bliss and vegatative state, actually feeling/running from some sort of pain. Personally, I like my ending because it highlights how his worth disintegrates and I think serves a few good points. Your is great too, though, and to each is own anyhow.
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