Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-12-2009, 10:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 15
Default A poem

Up here, with June, the sycamore throws
Across the window a whispering screen;
I shall miss the sycamore more I suppose,
Than anything else on this earth that is out in green.
But I mean to go through the door without fear,
Not caring much what happens here
When I’m away: --
How green the screen is across the panes
Or who goes laughing along the lanes
With my old lover all the summer day.

Last edited by moondust; 03-12-2009 at 10:54 AM.
moondust is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 12:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
7gaugejames's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Imperial Beach Ca.
Posts: 101
Default

YouTube - astrdu gilberto - the girl from ipanema

I love this song.
__________________
I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.
7gaugejames is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 12:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
hot girl summer
 
WWWP's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,329
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by moondust View Post
Up here, with June, the sycamore throws
Across the window a whispering screen;
I shall miss the sycamore more I suppose,
I really like this.
__________________
wwwp makes you a playlist pt. 1
wwwp makes you a playlist pt. 2

Quote:
Originally Posted by BassoonPlatoon View Post
I wasn’t writing a haiku. Just because you want one doesn’t mean you’re going to get one.
WWWP is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 01:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
7gaugejames's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Imperial Beach Ca.
Posts: 101
Thumbs down Retarded? as follows,

No, I just occasionally make a mistake and put the wrong insert into the wrong thread, I'm sorry. If our musical tastes differ, you'll have to excuse me, this a music forum. If you don't run into people who like different music than you, you aren't trying to contribute. Along those lines, my response to your effort at poetry is... up to the third line which I agree with Wolvey is nice I am with you. Then you must've taken some poetic acid or something. Am I not reading it right, is it done in the style of Dr.Suess?
__________________
I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.
7gaugejames is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 02:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
7gaugejames's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Imperial Beach Ca.
Posts: 101
Exclamation That's O.K.: as follows,

Thats cool, I just posted a poem, you can rip it apart for me, it's under Taking a shot looking for a score.
7gaugejames is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 04:27 PM   #16 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 15
Default stairs

Not for that city of the level sun,
Its golden streets and glittering gates ablaze,
the shadeless,sleepless city of white days,
white nights,or nights and days that are as one-
we weary ,when all is said,all thought all done.
we strain our eyes beyond this dusk to see,
what from the threshold of eternity we shall
step into.No i think we shun the splendor of that
everlasting glare,the clamour of that never-ending song.
And if anything we greatly long,it is for some remote
and quiet stair which winds to silence and a space
of sleep too sound for waking and for dreams too deep.
moondust is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 04:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
Partying on the inside
 
Freebase Dali's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 5,329
Default

I like your delivery. But if I were to re-write it, I'd do it like this:


Not for that city of the level sun
Its golden streets who's gates ablaze
Who's sleepless city's shadeless days
That mirror nights, becoming one.

The weary, when it's said and done
Would strain their eyes beyond this dusk
And test the bounds of eternity
To strain beyond that dusk they see

No, I know we shun that splendor
Everlasting shine, too long
Searching for a silence, we are
Deaf to such a song

Somewhere dark into, we settle
A space in which to sleep
When all is said and done, that city
Remains a shadeless deep.
Freebase Dali is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-12-2009, 04:51 PM   #18 (permalink)
Partying on the inside
 
Freebase Dali's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 5,329
Default

...

Last edited by Freebase Dali; 03-12-2009 at 05:30 PM.
Freebase Dali is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2009, 11:18 AM   #19 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Slocan, B.C., Canada
Posts: 14
Default

Wow, the original post used some great language and imagery, but didn't really scan all that well.There was a lot of ambiguity in what was being conveyed...not that that is a bad thing, because it really make you thing about what is being said, and look at it more closely.
The re-write by Verdical Fiction , I thought , was very well done...kept almost all of the imagery and mood, while improving the flow, and making it easier to follow. Great work on both your parts..well worth developing, i think....
paradoxy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2009, 06:51 PM   #20 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 160
Default

^^indeed
__________________
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.
darkcornerinthecloset is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.