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Old 03-03-2009, 10:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default moondust's Songwriting Journal

title:Thorns

My shadow of thorns walked out of the sea
the harmony of distant lights carried
him across the rooftops of the city.

chorus:

he rejoined me in a dark room with a guillotine
seasons of light fermented in a clock
revealed the dark places i had been
the blood of my shadow ran clear
a hummingbird appeared the earth
dissolved in the birds porcelain tear


i prayed to two barrren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped
in the frozen brick sky i watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to die


chorus:

he rejoined me in a dark room with a guillotine
seasons of light fermented in a clock
revealed the dark places i had been
the blood of my shadow ran clear
a hummingbird appeared the earth
dissolved in the birds porcelain tear

bridge:
the melting ice from the sky
gave my burning shadow his alibi

i prayed to two barrren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped
in the frozen brick sky i watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to die
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Old 03-04-2009, 12:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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im really impressed by this work i think its time i retired lol.
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Old 03-04-2009, 01:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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its beautiful i have to say it brings tears to my eyes reading such poetry you are talented.i wont retire its just i dont see my work as being that great.
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Old 03-05-2009, 03:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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My interpretation: The main character can't mentally touch his/her past, the terible things he/she has done. It followed him/her, not letting him/her forget, and he/she knew there was only so much time before his/her past came to kill. I got that from the first seven lines, I doubt I'm right but I thought it was pretty enough to give a shot. Things I can't understand:
"a hummingbird appeared the earth" - I don't know what that means which makes it hard for me to try and interprete this line:
"dissolved in the birds porcelain tear".
And this:
"i prayed to two barrren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped
in the frozen brick sky i watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to die"

I don't know if it's "I prayed to two barren black suns to free my lawless heart trapped- (end of that idea and start of a new one)
"In the frozen brick sky I watched the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"

or if it's:
"I prayed to two barren black suns to free my lawless heart trapped In the frozen brick sky" Which admittibly would make less sense.
But it could also be:
"I prayed to two barren black suns to free my lawless heart trapped" (new thought)
"In the frozen brick sky I watched" (new thought)
"the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"
Maybe you could set it up like this:
"I prayed to two barren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped-
In the frozen brick sky I watched-
The last flight of a bird hoping to fly"

OR
"I prayed to two barren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped-
In the frozen brick sky I watched:
the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"

This would be the same as the one above:
I prayed to two barren black suns
to free my lawless heart trapped-
In the frozen brick sky I watched
the last flight of a bird hoping to fly"
(capital letters can make a difference)

My thoughts: If it does mean something, I like your use of metaphor and diction. It was somewhat powerful. If it doesn't mean anything, I still liked you sense of connotation in the word you use. I would suggest looking up some poetic techniques for your next piece, in order to take it from where you are as far as literacy goes now to a high ground. I'm looking forward to your response and to see more of your work.
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Old 03-10-2009, 07:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Night

Title:Night

Verse:
A strange raven rapped at my window
he left me the key to an unknown door
the next night he rapped again
leaving me the map to some strange glen

chorus:
i took the map and walked these roads
i held the key and stalked the night
in vain i ignored all screams heard
i reached the glen by morns first light

verse:
i opened the door to some strange crypt
many hours with the departed i slept
i was woken by rapping at the window
he left a map on the crypt floor


chorus:
i took the map and walked these roads
i held the key and stalked the night
in vain i ignored all screams heard
i reached the glen by morn's first light

bridge:
i saw a graveyard and an unnamed stone
sparse mutterings revealed i was not alone

verse:
and on this grave was written my name
the raven held a key with eternity
written in flames,a hooded man he
sliced the moon in half and pointed north
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Wink Night; as follows,

Familiar theme, familiar imagery, not bad mind you..... just familiar what else ya' got.
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quoth the raven :"Nevermore"...
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adidasss View Post
Quoth the raven :"Nevermore"...
Quoth. Good poem.
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Old 03-10-2009, 10:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Like Poe much?
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Old 03-10-2009, 03:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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was that sarcastic?
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