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Stone Birds 04-18-2009 10:58 AM

Stone Birds' Songwriting Journal
 
I need a name for this, please help.

Silk covered lands
We cross our hands
The shadowy figure
Standing before us
Yellow sun turns red

Ill fortuned folks
Forced to starve
There is a light
On the street
It asks for a chair

Treading on
Going forth
To find a crossroads
Where to go now
Where are your leaders now

Red, the ground is red
Go forth and die to live
Thorns upon thy face
Will not erase
Mellow out
Please don’t shout

Treading on
Going forth
To find a crossroads
Where to go now
Where are your leaders now
P.s. i didn't write the second verse, so if sounds stupid don't blame me.

Stone Birds 04-18-2009 01:34 PM

John Walks
 
My Latest Song it has a very slow-tempo, and a bass drum. no guitar yet though. also i need to rename it so if you guys can help go ahead.
John, the hero
he walks alone

Please help me
Please save me

I will forget your name
And you will walk alone again

John walks for the poor
John walks for the rich
John walks for the young
John walks for the old
John walks not for himself

You aren't looking for fame
You haven't a dollar to your name
but still you walk for me

Naked 04-18-2009 10:30 PM

Well, a recurring theme is colors...
So maybe go with Tinted Red
or something of the sort.

tymygy 04-18-2009 11:21 PM

treading on.

the ground is stained with red.

idk :/

darkcornerinthecloset 04-19-2009 07:01 PM

what youre getting at is not clear to me. . .be it war or something else. a discription of the color of the whatever-it-is might be a functional title. but something that would apply only to the subject, or at least strongly hint. i agree with maybe "tinted red"

daysleeper1985 04-20-2009 01:23 PM

Hmmm... not sure if it fits in with where you're coming from but i'm coming around to a name somewhere along the lines of 'moving still', i've always been a fan of paradoxical cryptic song names and for some reason i feel that it fits this one pretty well...not sure if i've been of any assistance but its a thought ;)

Stone Birds 04-21-2009 03:05 PM

Universal Breaker
 
You got lost in the atmosphere
i fell down in a hole
mystery speaks in tounges
(Need something to rhyme with hole)

Flip the jupiter signs
forget all the bad times
fly on to neptune
cause baby i'll see ya soon

It's All i got so far i need a lot of help. the song is supposed to have a pop-blues sorta feel to it

yvi_poison 04-21-2009 03:29 PM

(Need something to rhyme with hole) -- > Soul,whole, stole?

Stone Birds 04-21-2009 03:50 PM

You got lost in the atmosphere
i fell down in a hole
mystery speaks in tounges
But my heart you stole

Flip the jupiter signs
forget all the bad times
fly on to neptune
cause baby i'll see ya soon
Does that line work?

yvi_poison 04-21-2009 04:06 PM

yes nice:)

Stone Birds 04-22-2009 06:39 AM

Thnx, how are your lyrics goin?

Stone Birds 05-06-2009 06:54 AM

Petals In the Cradle
 
There’s a river by my bed
There’s a sun over my head

The shining light
Used to be
Something to make me happy

But now, I’m walking on this road,
Though many have walked it before
I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it
I don’t know if I’m gonna make it

Sleep with petals in the cradle
And watch the sun go down

The grey road is long and heartless
The grey road I have to walk on

I know
That you know
That we don’t know
I know
That you know
That we don’t know

Sleep with petals in the cradle
And watch the sun go down

Sleep with petals in the cradle
And watch the sun
And watch the sun
And watch the sun
go down

Everyone who walked this road
Before me
Found a splotch of color
And a light that was pretty, so pretty

Sleep with petals in the cradle
And watch the sun go down

Main Chord = 35**xx
(* is randomly included)

Stone Birds 05-14-2009 04:24 PM

Over the Hill
 
Save me today
Drown me tommorow

Find me
over the hill
drown me
in the light
save me
wherever i am

crisp grass Cut
the lawn is done
the oil spilled
on the grass

Find me
over the hill
drown me
in the light
save me
wherever i am

Power gone
soul crudely drawn
and i am
nothing

the only thing good
are the dreams
i don't remember

Find me
over the hill
drown me
in the light
save me
wherever i am
The title is kind of a cliche

Stone Birds 05-15-2009 06:49 AM

I probably need to fix this, oh yeah, the genre for this is "Emo-Folk" sounds weird, but i do have a weird problem. (Bipolar Disorder)

Stone Birds 05-15-2009 06:57 AM

Heroes (Download Included!!!)
 
Download "Heroes"

You can’t find them in comic books

You won’t see them in any movies

They aern’t in your video games

They’re right here all along

So long live our heroes, even if they die

Long live our heroes, even if they die

So long live our heroes, even if they die

Cause they’ll live forever in our hearts

In the tragedies they’ll be there

In the disasters they’ll be there

They will save your life

They are heroes just for you


And many of our heroes have made a sacrifice

So let’s sing some more just for them

Nicktarist 05-15-2009 03:03 PM

You overuse a couple of words, drown to be one of them (even though it's the chorus). At least change the word drown (in the very second line) to something like deaden or stifle.

Also, if your looking at folk, you need to tell more in the way of a story. Your words are very, very general and are lacking the basic meaning and identity that makes a good folk song (emo or not). You've got your phrase, now decide-what really led you to say such a phrase. What's the story behind it. Are you supressed in the suburbs? Are your parents gone? Did your friends betray you? (obviously bipolar issues in this case) --tell a story that involves the issue. When you get to that point, it's always good to add some symbolism. Like 'Monkies on my back' means an addiction, a 'Giant' could represent insuppressable power, a stone (or immovable object), normally represents an unbeatable obstacle, a sandcastle represents a vulnerable lifestyle. etc. etc.

Your off to a great start, but it's way too vauge and at this point you haven't really said anything that really tells a story--no matter how cheesy it sounds at first, you'll be able to work it out soon. Don't worry.

peace,
-nick

Stone Birds 05-15-2009 05:33 PM

wow your awesome hope ya get those 50 posts

Guybrush 05-16-2009 06:27 AM

Stone Birds, your threads have been merged into one.

Read : http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...e-posting.html

Send me or another mod a PM with a link to this thread if you want us to change the name.

Stone Birds 05-16-2009 05:02 PM

Thanks toretorden

polyphonic 05-16-2009 06:13 PM

Nicktarist: nice job on the critiquing, to the point, without being rude or degrading...Nice work.

Stone Birds: It's great to find other artists that love what they do. I'm interested to hear what emo folk sounds like???? Could be good stuff.

Stone Birds 05-17-2009 11:02 AM

Polyphonic, did i offend you in some way?

Stone Birds 05-17-2009 11:27 AM

Peach Dream

Quickly and endlessly it flows
along the clouds
the trees hang wildly
they whisper wisdom

It was Free
I was free
It was happy
I was happy

My Favorite Peach dream
it killed reality
i heard the colors
and i saw the sounds

Stone Birds 05-17-2009 12:23 PM

Then, Ago
“Those dead flowers will come back alive”
You said so happily
In a year you’ll be gone
But I remember
The time we went to church
And hid in the back room
Playing cards
Until we got caught
You just laughed

“Let’s find Ms. Holly’s tree”
I said so randomly
We stared into dim light
And you remember
The time we sat under the sky
Drawing pictures of clouds
You said mine
looked like a dog
Yours looked like my hand
“Let’s write a song”
we said together
it was about your blue hat
And we remember
“My hat is as blue as the sky
And my hair is as blonde as the dirt
My hat flew into the tree
I stepped on the flowers
My blue hat
My green shirt
Let’s never leave here”
Then, ago
This song is really personal so if you have tips or comments keep them away from the last verse

polyphonic 05-17-2009 01:30 PM

I really like this one... it's simplicity gives it a down to earth feel, and it's unity keeps it all together. It had a feel good being sad effect on me...
thanx

Stone Birds 05-17-2009 01:32 PM

Are you talking about "Peach Dream" or "Then, Ago"?

Nicktarist 05-17-2009 04:25 PM

Rather nice (Then, Ago), It tells a story and it uses repetition rather cleverly. Now, you need to work on syllable count and rhyme. I use this rhyming dictionary sometimes when I write: Rhymezone.com -- The reason why this song is (in my opinion) better than the others I've seen is obviously because you had something important to say. When you write, it should be because you feel you have a story that you want people to hear -- put away the song for a week or two and then come back and sing it back to yourself once you've made all the tweeks to be had here. At that point, you'll be able to catch all the lines that you don't like or don't make sense. :)

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 06:28 AM

Thanks, man

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 09:02 AM

Sol y Luna (Sun and Moon)
 
La belleza dentro de la Tierra
The beauty within the Earth

Vendrá salvarnos
It will come to save to us

sálvenos, oh nos salvan
Save us, oh save us


La luz del sol y de la luna
The light of the sun and the moon

Nos dirigirá
it will guide us

Diríjanos, oh diríjanos
Guide us, oh guide us


This song i originally wrote in Spanish, the English translations are in blue. if you notice any typos please tell me.

polyphonic 05-18-2009 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stone Birds (Post 660901)
Are you talking about "Peach Dream" or "Then, Ago"?

Then Ago was great dude

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 02:45 PM

thanks, how's your writing goin?

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 03:24 PM

Feathers On My Spine
 
I watch hallowed birds fly
I Watch them die
But the sky is afraid of the devil
And the devil is afraid of the sky
He is too dark and cold

So when the feathered souls find their way
Will they still come back in may
Cause when I try to fly like them
I fall, I fall like a rock
And when I try to enlighten them
I feel, I feel so f**ked

Kin of the dead
Make my hands red
Cause when the fire
Burns the liars
We’ll all be gone

I have feathers on my spine
Cause I don’t follow the line
So I shine, So I shine

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 03:27 PM

How It Traps It's Prey
 
Run…
Run…
Run…

A bowl of shadows
With binding lights
That Trap in the night
When
The skeleton walks with limp


Run…

A creepy little flame
Stuck in the same game
That you’re in
You try to escape
Reality


Run…

A broken old cross
Stands with a
A disease
That brings you to
your knees

(Instrumental Section)

Run…

A pack of wolves
Tear at your skin
As punishment
For your sins

This is how it traps it’s prey
This is how it traps it’s prey
This is how it traps it’s prey

Run…

A place to escape
The world that we hate
Come with me
Come with me

Run…

To a new world
We’ve always had
But could never
See it
It won’t trap us here

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 03:33 PM

The Protester
 
God layed down his hands
so you could touch
you were never fast enough

So you hid yourself behind the wall
got drunk off it all

and then September came
with all its war and fame
you came out, to protest

God layed down his hands
so you could touch
but you gave up

So Radical and extremist
the cops came
to disperse
you bursted in flames
in this verse

god layed down his hands
so you could touch
He grabbed your heart
and took you up

Stone Birds 05-18-2009 03:36 PM

Kewpie Doll
 
The city burns away
The day has fallen

Turn the dial
Wash away
Too many years
Spent in pain
Let them go

Call her name (x6)

Tears fall
Guns fire
Bombs explode
The happiness expires
Run, Run, Run away

She held her kewpie doll to her chest
She was shot (x3) dead
The kewpie doll
Fell to the ground
Stained with the blood
Of the innocent girl

Let me ask you
Whose heart, whose heart, could be that cold, that cold (x2)

Call her name (x6)

The blood
Has been shed
The mother
Does not know (x3)

The little girl (x3)

Call Her name (x6)
The Repition works more like an echo in this song

Stone Birds 05-20-2009 12:06 PM

Coma
 
I feel like I’m trapped underwater
About to drown
Any second now
I feel like I’m falling
almost to hit the ground
any second now
I’ll go insane
Maybe I already am
They say knowledge is key
But I think its killin me
I feel distant
Even right next to her
I want to jump
What’s holdin me back
You don’t see
Behind this face
Lies something I can’t explain

I want to sleep forever (x3)
Where I’ll be free
To believe
In anything I want
I can believe
That the world is peaceful
I can believe
That there’s love all around
I can believe
That my music is cherished
I want to sleep forever

She doesn’t see
How I truly feel
She doesn’t know
How much I can see
Her soul
I’d only wake up for her
I want to sleep forever
And listen to her voice
I want to sleep forever

The Coma (x4)
I want to sleep forever (x2)



The Coma (x2)
I want to sleep forever (x2)
The Coma (x2)
I want to sleep forever (x2)

She draws another cross
While I write her another song
One church
One story
One name that you’ll never guess
I’ll keep myself locked
I give her the key
Please find me (x2)

The Coma (x4)

This is emo-folk

Stone Birds 05-20-2009 12:14 PM

Embers
 
As some of you may know I'm part of a youth ministry band (part-time), and to bring in some creativity i wrote my first worship song (for those of you who think i hate Christians, you're sadly mistaken, i just dislike the ones that try to FORCE their beliefs on to you) please tell me what you think. also i kinda need guitar & bass for this, so if you guys could help out that'd be great.

I got caught up in the holy fire
That rains, rains upon your name
That rains, rains upon your name
Your Embers fall like shooting stars
I shall worship you for your fire keeps me warm
And your light, your light keeps me strong
and From the sky you have reigned
Healing wounds of our pain
And with my heart I will say
Bring Upon your embers
Bring Upon your Name
Bring upon the holy fire of your fame

v1, v2, bridge/v3, chorus, v1, chorus, bridge/v3, chorus

If this needs rearrangement please tell me (first four are in order of the lyrics)

Nicktarist 05-20-2009 04:16 PM

Wow, I see improvement with each song. Very good. Are there any songs in particular you want me to critique?

peace,
-nick

Stone Birds 05-20-2009 04:18 PM

Embers

Nicktarist 05-20-2009 05:13 PM

In reference to your lyrics they look similar to Fire Fall Down by Hillsong United. The only thing I would say is that your metaphor needs to be much, much more grand. I would also say that your lyrics need to be more of a conversation-- most worship songs generally consist of a question, a comparison, and an answer to that question. The hard part though is finding a balance between understandabillity and artistry. Your still leaning to the vague side. Worship songs need to be more descernible.

Some good artists to look at for worship musc are Derek Webb, Sandra McKraken (his wife), and obviously some more obscure names like Andy Gullahorn (who is actually good at writing worship songs when he does-- he also sounds allot Jose Gonzolez)

So, my point is that your point needs to come off more obviously than it is and also be much more grand. You should also avoid using overused metaphors. If God can be described with many metaphors, most people sure aren't exploring those descriptions.

I hope that's more along the lines of what you were looking for.

Stone Birds 05-21-2009 07:00 AM

I think the verse that bugs me the most is the second, but i'm not sure how to change it.


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