Stone Birds' Songwriting Journal
I need a name for this, please help.
P.s. i didn't write the second verse, so if sounds stupid don't blame me. |
John Walks
My Latest Song it has a very slow-tempo, and a bass drum. no guitar yet though. also i need to rename it so if you guys can help go ahead.
John, the hero |
Well, a recurring theme is colors...
So maybe go with Tinted Red or something of the sort. |
treading on.
the ground is stained with red. idk :/ |
what youre getting at is not clear to me. . .be it war or something else. a discription of the color of the whatever-it-is might be a functional title. but something that would apply only to the subject, or at least strongly hint. i agree with maybe "tinted red"
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Hmmm... not sure if it fits in with where you're coming from but i'm coming around to a name somewhere along the lines of 'moving still', i've always been a fan of paradoxical cryptic song names and for some reason i feel that it fits this one pretty well...not sure if i've been of any assistance but its a thought ;)
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Universal Breaker
You got lost in the atmosphere It's All i got so far i need a lot of help. the song is supposed to have a pop-blues sorta feel to it |
(Need something to rhyme with hole) -- > Soul,whole, stole?
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You got lost in the atmosphereDoes that line work? |
yes nice:)
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Thnx, how are your lyrics goin?
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Petals In the Cradle
There’s a river by my bed
There’s a sun over my head The shining light Used to be Something to make me happy But now, I’m walking on this road, Though many have walked it before I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it I don’t know if I’m gonna make it Sleep with petals in the cradle And watch the sun go down The grey road is long and heartless The grey road I have to walk on I know That you know That we don’t know I know That you know That we don’t know Sleep with petals in the cradle And watch the sun go down Sleep with petals in the cradle And watch the sun And watch the sun And watch the sun go down Everyone who walked this road Before me Found a splotch of color And a light that was pretty, so pretty Sleep with petals in the cradle And watch the sun go down Main Chord = 35**xx (* is randomly included) |
Over the Hill
Save me todayThe title is kind of a cliche |
I probably need to fix this, oh yeah, the genre for this is "Emo-Folk" sounds weird, but i do have a weird problem. (Bipolar Disorder)
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Heroes (Download Included!!!)
Download "Heroes"
You can’t find them in comic books You won’t see them in any movies They aern’t in your video games They’re right here all along In the tragedies they’ll be there In the disasters they’ll be there They will save your life They are heroes just for you
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You overuse a couple of words, drown to be one of them (even though it's the chorus). At least change the word drown (in the very second line) to something like deaden or stifle.
Also, if your looking at folk, you need to tell more in the way of a story. Your words are very, very general and are lacking the basic meaning and identity that makes a good folk song (emo or not). You've got your phrase, now decide-what really led you to say such a phrase. What's the story behind it. Are you supressed in the suburbs? Are your parents gone? Did your friends betray you? (obviously bipolar issues in this case) --tell a story that involves the issue. When you get to that point, it's always good to add some symbolism. Like 'Monkies on my back' means an addiction, a 'Giant' could represent insuppressable power, a stone (or immovable object), normally represents an unbeatable obstacle, a sandcastle represents a vulnerable lifestyle. etc. etc. Your off to a great start, but it's way too vauge and at this point you haven't really said anything that really tells a story--no matter how cheesy it sounds at first, you'll be able to work it out soon. Don't worry. peace, -nick |
wow your awesome hope ya get those 50 posts
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Stone Birds, your threads have been merged into one.
Read : http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...e-posting.html Send me or another mod a PM with a link to this thread if you want us to change the name. |
Thanks toretorden
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Nicktarist: nice job on the critiquing, to the point, without being rude or degrading...Nice work.
Stone Birds: It's great to find other artists that love what they do. I'm interested to hear what emo folk sounds like???? Could be good stuff. |
Polyphonic, did i offend you in some way?
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Peach Dream Quickly and endlessly it flows along the clouds the trees hang wildly they whisper wisdom It was Free I was free It was happy I was happy My Favorite Peach dream it killed reality i heard the colors and i saw the sounds |
Then, Ago This song is really personal so if you have tips or comments keep them away from the last verse“Those dead flowers will come back alive”The time we went to church |
I really like this one... it's simplicity gives it a down to earth feel, and it's unity keeps it all together. It had a feel good being sad effect on me...
thanx |
Are you talking about "Peach Dream" or "Then, Ago"?
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Rather nice (Then, Ago), It tells a story and it uses repetition rather cleverly. Now, you need to work on syllable count and rhyme. I use this rhyming dictionary sometimes when I write: Rhymezone.com -- The reason why this song is (in my opinion) better than the others I've seen is obviously because you had something important to say. When you write, it should be because you feel you have a story that you want people to hear -- put away the song for a week or two and then come back and sing it back to yourself once you've made all the tweeks to be had here. At that point, you'll be able to catch all the lines that you don't like or don't make sense. :)
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Thanks, man
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Sol y Luna (Sun and Moon)
La belleza dentro de la Tierra
The beauty within the Earth Vendrá salvarnos It will come to save to us sálvenos, oh nos salvan Save us, oh save us La luz del sol y de la luna The light of the sun and the moon Nos dirigirá it will guide us Diríjanos, oh diríjanos Guide us, oh guide us This song i originally wrote in Spanish, the English translations are in blue. if you notice any typos please tell me. |
Quote:
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thanks, how's your writing goin?
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Feathers On My Spine
I watch hallowed birds fly
I Watch them die But the sky is afraid of the devil And the devil is afraid of the sky He is too dark and cold So when the feathered souls find their way Will they still come back in may Cause when I try to fly like them I fall, I fall like a rock And when I try to enlighten them I feel, I feel so f**ked Kin of the dead Make my hands red Cause when the fire Burns the liars We’ll all be gone I have feathers on my spine Cause I don’t follow the line So I shine, So I shine |
How It Traps It's Prey
Run…
Run… Run… A bowl of shadows With binding lights That Trap in the night When The skeleton walks with limp Run… A creepy little flame Stuck in the same game That you’re in You try to escape Reality Run… A broken old cross Stands with a A disease That brings you to your knees (Instrumental Section) Run… A pack of wolves Tear at your skin As punishment For your sins This is how it traps it’s prey This is how it traps it’s prey This is how it traps it’s prey Run… A place to escape The world that we hate Come with me Come with me Run… To a new world We’ve always had But could never See it It won’t trap us here |
The Protester
God layed down his hands
so you could touch you were never fast enough So you hid yourself behind the wall got drunk off it all and then September came with all its war and fame you came out, to protest God layed down his hands so you could touch but you gave up So Radical and extremist the cops came to disperse you bursted in flames in this verse god layed down his hands so you could touch He grabbed your heart and took you up |
Kewpie Doll
The city burns awayThe Repition works more like an echo in this song |
Coma
I feel like I’m trapped underwater This is emo-folk |
Embers
As some of you may know I'm part of a youth ministry band (part-time), and to bring in some creativity i wrote my first worship song (for those of you who think i hate Christians, you're sadly mistaken, i just dislike the ones that try to FORCE their beliefs on to you) please tell me what you think. also i kinda need guitar & bass for this, so if you guys could help out that'd be great.
I got caught up in the holy fire That rains, rains upon your name That rains, rains upon your name Your Embers fall like shooting starsand From the sky you have reigned Healing wounds of our pain And with my heart I will say Bring Upon your embers v1, v2, bridge/v3, chorus, v1, chorus, bridge/v3, chorus If this needs rearrangement please tell me (first four are in order of the lyrics) |
Wow, I see improvement with each song. Very good. Are there any songs in particular you want me to critique?
peace, -nick |
Embers
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In reference to your lyrics they look similar to Fire Fall Down by Hillsong United. The only thing I would say is that your metaphor needs to be much, much more grand. I would also say that your lyrics need to be more of a conversation-- most worship songs generally consist of a question, a comparison, and an answer to that question. The hard part though is finding a balance between understandabillity and artistry. Your still leaning to the vague side. Worship songs need to be more descernible.
Some good artists to look at for worship musc are Derek Webb, Sandra McKraken (his wife), and obviously some more obscure names like Andy Gullahorn (who is actually good at writing worship songs when he does-- he also sounds allot Jose Gonzolez) So, my point is that your point needs to come off more obviously than it is and also be much more grand. You should also avoid using overused metaphors. If God can be described with many metaphors, most people sure aren't exploring those descriptions. I hope that's more along the lines of what you were looking for. |
I think the verse that bugs me the most is the second, but i'm not sure how to change it.
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