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Old 05-23-2009, 02:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1
Default TheRomanticDude's Songwriting Journal

Ok so i wrote this song last night for a girl that i really like but her dad wont let me date her but yeah here it is...

If i had it my way, We'd be so in love and You'd put your hands in mine
If i had it my way, We would run away and We'd leave this town behind
On the bad days, We would never fight, Cause we'd have the best in mind

We'd have sleepless nights, Watch the nothern lights
We'll laugh at those who say we're unprepared, We wont let this trust
Take a hold of us we'll hold our fortunes close when things
Get hard to bare

Take a photograph but it wont be the last
Cause we'll have to much to share
And we'll make it through the things we have to do
And we'll stay strong when lifes unfair
And when we bine our hands when our lifes began
Then our story never ends, This kind of love is so divine
Please just keep my dream in mind

We'd have sleepless nights, Watch the nothern lights
We'll laugh at those who say we're unprepared, We wont let this trust
Take a hold of us we'll hold our fortunes close when things
Get hard to bare

We'd have sleepless nights, Watch the nothern lights
We'll laugh at those who say we're unprepared...
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:49 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 166
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I'm going to go through and crit if you don't mind

Quote:
If i had it my way, We'd be so in love and You'd put your hands in mine
It could be changed to

Quote:
If i had it my way, our love would be deep and You'd put your hands in mine
What you had was rather um... lame. Sorry

you could actually extend that metaphor to

Quote:
If i had it my way, our love would be deep enough to swim through with you
I've said this a million times to a million people, but metaphors are meant to be extended in songs. you can't just leave them at that (but you didn't make the metaphor in the first place, so it's okay)

Quote:
On the bad days, We would never fight, Cause we'd have the best in mind
That's a niave lie--change it.

Quote:
Take a photograph but it wont be the last
Cause we'll have to much to share
And we'll make it through the things we have to do
And we'll stay strong when lifes unfair
And when we bine our hands when our lifes began
Then our story never ends, This kind of love is so divine
Please just keep my dream in mind
Nothing really rhymes here. Sometimes it's okay for a song not to rhyme, but your meaning is too standard not to. I would recommend this rhyming dictionary. Start working through your song and trying to fit things into place.

Before you continue though, I'd read 'Hallelujah' by Leonard Cohen and really work through it's meaning. It might help you out a bit with your lady friend here.

Another read is Jeff Tweedy's 'I'm the Man who Loves You'. He uses some interesting techniques to grab your attention to his dilemma, which is similar to yours with the exception that she left him because of his drug issues.

I hope that helps you. It's good, but still needs work

Last edited by Nicktarist; 05-24-2009 at 11:41 AM.
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