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Old 07-07-2009, 11:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Im 15 and this is my unfinished first song entitled "Was It True".

This song has no melody so far. I understand it rhymes throughout the song. That is just my style of writing and i will expand on my writing when i feel comfortable. I am open to suggestions and critisim. Rate song from 1-10 thank you!



Was it True (Working Title)

[Verse 1]
Do you remember long ago?
When our love was strong and it began to grow
But now its gone and i need to know

[Chorus]
When you said "i love you"
Was it true?
Now your gone and im so very blue
Oh, so blue...

[Verse 2]
Do you remember when our future was so bright?
Now when you see me, you cant even stand my sight
I can't fix whats happened but i've come to (either "make it right" or "end the fight")

[Bridge]
Im sorry for all the pain
I still love you but now
i know youll never feel the same
Ive changed my ways and thats a fact
Please oh Please i want you back

[SOLO]

[Verse 3]
Do you remember all of the tears?
I wish i couldve found a way to fight away your fears
But now your gone and i need to show

[Chorus]
When i said "i love you"
It was true
But now i've changed and it was all for you
All for you
It is true....

[END]
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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What hole do all these former Nickelback lyricists keep crawling out from?
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Old 07-07-2009, 11:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard View Post
What hole do all these former Nickelback lyricists keep crawling out from?
Were you comparing my song to nickelback? lol.... can i ask why?
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Old 07-08-2009, 08:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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anyone else?
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Con317 View Post
Were you comparing my song to nickelback? lol.... can i ask why?
If you have to ask, then you probably shouldn't.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Con317 View Post
This song has no melody so far. I understand it rhymes throughout the song. That is just my style of writing and i will expand on my writing when i feel comfortable. I am open to suggestions and critisim. Rate song from 1-10 thank you!
Hi, Con317,
Thank you for sharing your lyrics since you never know whether the feedback you get will be helpful or not.

I won't rate your song from 1-10 because my goal is not to critique it according to what my preferences are, but to find out what you like/don't like about the song and try to help you make the song one *you* like even more.

I didn't know who Nickelback is, so I looked them up online to find out why that cute Terrible Lizard sees a similarity between their songs and yours. I observed that they often have songs with short lines, many ending in "you," and sometimes involving rhyming. Their songs about love often seem to be very gushy, using some exaggeration to express the strength of their feelings, such as "I'd look for you forever"...when in reality no one could *really* look for someone forever. They also seem to sing about love and relationships frequently.

Your song is similar in that it talks about a very universal experience: when young love goes wrong and you want to make it right again. Some people may find the lyrics unoriginal because of this; however, songs about relationships failing are still very popular, so there must be many people who like this topic!

I have several suggestions for your song.

I recommend that you avoid rhyming "you" with "blue" unless you want a simple sort of rock type song (like early Beatles' songs), because "you" and "blue" were so frequently rhymed in the past (as in "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Sugar is Sweet and So are You").

You asked about word choice here:
Quote:
[Verse 2]
Do you remember when our future was so bright?
Now when you see me, you cant even stand my sight
I can't fix whats happened but i've come to (either "make it right" or "end the fight")
I recommend "make it right" because "end the fight" makes it sound as if the relationship weren't very deep, since generally a relationship that implodes after one fight (and I'm assuming this was not physical!) is a little shallow (which doesn't mean the feelings can't be very powerful).

Now, I know you probably typed the song wanting feedback on the subject matter and style, but I will go ahead and add punctuation to the following section just in case that helps!

Quote:
[Bridge]
I'm sorry for all the pain.
I still love you but now
I know you'll never feel the same.
I've changed my ways and that's a fact.
Please, oh please, I want you back.
Con317, I recommend you change "I know you'll never feel the same" to "I know you may never feel the same," because much of the song revolves around the hopefulness that there may be a way to rebuild the relationship, yet your line "I know you'll never feel the same" makes that sound impossible. If you were to write, "I know you may never feel the same," this allows the tantalizing possibility that the beloved may actually be able to feel the same way (as s/he once did) in the future.

Finally, in your last stanza...

Quote:
[Chorus]
When i said "i love you"
It was true
But now i've changed and it was all for you
All for you
It is true....
I recommend you change the wording slightly because "When I said 'I love you' it was true but now I've changed" could be interpreted as meaning the singer no longer loves the person (which, I know, is not your meaning). Perhaps you could just leave off the "But" and write:

"When I said 'I love you'
It was true.
Now I've changed and it was all for you."

I hope this helps!

--Erica

Hey! I just noticed that now above my avatar it says "music addict" instead of "groupie!" I guess this must happen automatically after 50 posts!

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 07-09-2009 at 01:19 PM. Reason: I am now a music addict, apparently.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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you can change that now.
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Old 07-10-2009, 01:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA View Post


I didn't know who Nickelback is, so I looked them up online to find out why that cute Terrible Lizard sees a similarity between their songs and yours.

--Erica


OH HO HO! * In french accent*

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Old 07-11-2009, 12:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I was 17 when I wrote my first song. It seems that everyone's first songs are about broken romance. Mine were.
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Old 07-20-2009, 11:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I'd agree with Vegangelica that the "you" and "blue" line is a bit cliche. Most 15 year olds (or really, anyone) I know don't generally use the word blue in their speech or normal writing, so the use of the word makes the rhyme seem very forced. For a first song, it has all the elements to be successful, but noone has a number one hit their first time out. just keep practicing....and keep posting!
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