looking for critique

kimber · 04-02-2010, 11:26 PM

hey guys was just hoping I could get some feedback on something i wrote (i didn't get any last time i posted...)

How brutal were my days without you--
that summer whose heat burnt my soul.
Like a clock I counted seconds, noting
their passage as my own--what vitality
wasted by the lonely soul chained to nostalgia!
I waited like a sentinel for the gentle rapping of
your knuckles on my door--Fruitless the hours I passed
with the company only of my degrading
conscience. Now, in my repose you come to me
for comfort? What little I once could offer has
bled from my bones like marrow. I am a hollow man,
filled only with the vague essence of time we passed
together--a comfort to you indeed! Though bitter my
heart yearns for you, desperate to provide the comfort
you seek. My regret is my inability.
You look cold and the darkness has dug itself
like a dagger beneath your sullen eyes. It is a
pathetic display--you in my doorway. I want to
let you in like so many days before this one
I would have directly. In moments my pain
will return to accompany yours silently as I
watch you turn away from me through the peephole.
But for now all I can offer to abate your loneliness
is some coffee and a pair of sun glasses.

04-02-2010, 11:26 PM	#1 (permalink)
kimber Groupie Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 6	looking for critique hey guys was just hoping I could get some feedback on something i wrote (i didn't get any last time i posted...) How brutal were my days without you-- that summer whose heat burnt my soul. Like a clock I counted seconds, noting their passage as my own--what vitality wasted by the lonely soul chained to nostalgia! I waited like a sentinel for the gentle rapping of your knuckles on my door--Fruitless the hours I passed with the company only of my degrading conscience. Now, in my repose you come to me for comfort? What little I once could offer has bled from my bones like marrow. I am a hollow man, filled only with the vague essence of time we passed together--a comfort to you indeed! Though bitter my heart yearns for you, desperate to provide the comfort you seek. My regret is my inability. You look cold and the darkness has dug itself like a dagger beneath your sullen eyes. It is a pathetic display--you in my doorway. I want to let you in like so many days before this one I would have directly. In moments my pain will return to accompany yours silently as I watch you turn away from me through the peephole. But for now all I can offer to abate your loneliness is some coffee and a pair of sun glasses. Last edited by kimber; 04-09-2010 at 04:51 AM.