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Old 04-08-2012, 04:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Hi, would you rate my lyrics please?

Hi, I've written 3 songs, and was wondering if you'd let me know what you think! Be honest, thanks

1. I STILL LOVE YOU

You walked away, yesterday,
All alone, I am today
I let you in, I shared your soul
You broke my heart, you took your toll

PRE-CHORUS
You’re on my mind, all the time
I wish i could give you a sign...

CHORUS
That I still love you
I still love you
I should have told you every day,
I wish the pain would go away,
Cause I still love you...

I tried to call you on your phone,
I’m sick of being all alone,
I was complete, You were my life,
I wanted you to be my wife

PRE-CHORUS
CHORUS

It’s in the past, now you’ve moved on
There one day, next you’ve gone
You said some things, it meant nothing,
I’d just bought you a diamond ring,
taught a mockingbird to sing,
i took you under my wing

felt like a piece that didn’t fit,
you once told me that I had lit
up the candle of your heart
now i can’t escape the dark
you’re putting me through hell
all that’s left’s an empty shell

PRECHORUS
CHORUS x2
I still love you, I still love you,
Do you love me?, Do you love me?,
You don’t love me, You don’t love me,
You never loved me, You never loved me,
But I still love you, I still love you,
I still love you, I still love you,

2. FRIEND-ZONE

You asked me what was wrong
I’m gazing in your eyes
“I love you with my heart, my soul and mind”
Heart racing, butterflies

I’m falling deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
With you

I thought that you were made for me
I’d be with you until the end
With those few words you broke my heart
When you said “let’s just be friends”

I told you of my love for you
She takes my hands from her hips
You look down towards the floor
The smile faded from your lips

You’re speaking with a cold, blank stare
You walk away, and I’m alone
Your words stuck in my mind
Forever stuck in the friend-zone

I’m falling deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
With you

I thought that you were made for me
I’d be with you until the end
With those few words you broke my heart
When you said “let’s just be friends”

You were one of my best friends,
Our memories a distant thought,
I loved you with my heart, soul and mind,
The times we shared are all I’ve got,

You’re on my mind every day
And I still see you in my dreams
You may not be perfect, baby
But you’re perfect for me

I’m falling deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
Deeper in love,
With you
You’re on my mind every day
And I still see you in my dreams
You may not be perfect, baby
But you’re perfect for me

3. BALLAD OF THE BROKEN HEART
You were my soul
You were my life
You’re cutting me
Like a knife

I thought that I had seen the light
Holding on to you so tight
I wish that you’d come back to me
I was blind, but now I see

I wish that I had seen the signs
Before your hand slipped from mines
My heart is breaking everyday
Wishing my pain away

You said I meant
Nothing to you
But since you’ve gone
My heart’s in two

When you’re around, my nerves were shot
From the start your love I’ve sought
At the start I was so shy
Without your love I thought I’d die
When I asked you to be mine
I never thought I’d crossed the line

I thought that I had seen the light
Holding on to you so tight
I wish that you’d come back to me
I was blind, but now I see

I wish that I had seen the signs
Before your hand slipped from mines
My heart is breaking everyday
Wishing my pain away

I wish you would
Walk through my door
And things would be
As they were before

I thought that I had seen the light
Holding on to you so tight
I wish that you’d come back to me
I was blind, but now I see

I wish that I had seen the signs
Before your hand slipped from mines
My heart is breaking everyday
Wishing my pain away

Thanks!
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Old 04-08-2012, 07:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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They're pretty straight forward. Early Beatles-ish.
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Old 04-08-2012, 07:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Im not trying to be mean or anything just to be honest. This is filled with so many used cliches. Seeing light and rhyming it with holding tight seems like a super easy way out of a real rhyme. The chorus especially needs some personalization.

I think you are off to a good start and you clearly know how to go about writing a song. BUT keep in mind how many love songs have been written in history. Do you want this to get lost in the masses of democracy?
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Old 04-09-2012, 09:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Rez View Post
Im not trying to be mean or anything just to be honest. This is filled with so many used cliches. Seeing light and rhyming it with holding tight seems like a super easy way out of a real rhyme. The chorus especially needs some personalization.

I think you are off to a good start and you clearly know how to go about writing a song. BUT keep in mind how many love songs have been written in history. Do you want this to get lost in the masses of democracy?
Exactly. That type of writing has become so cliche. It's kind of hard to write a love song without it being a cliche and sounding really corny these days. Bob Dylan was great at writing love songs without sounding really cliche. Its something I try to do when writing, it's no easy task. The first thing that comes to mind for most people when they're writing a song is love. Love songs in general have almost become a cliche. I'm not a huge Maynard Keenan fan but i think he does a great job of writing lyrics that aren't cliche or typical.

Don't pay attention to how many times I use the word "cliche".

But of course even if the lyrics aren't great, the music as a whole can still be good.
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Old 04-09-2012, 11:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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When depending on a rhyme scheme, going for the easiest, most cliche line is not the way to go. Even if you were in a boy band, that doesn't really fly.

Write something that really means something real to you. Don't worry about your rhyme scheme; worry about the metre, if anything.
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:42 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffgreggs View Post
Hi, I've written 3 songs, and was wondering if you'd let me know what you think! Be honest, thanks Thanks!
"5.125", Jeff, needs a bit of fine tuning.
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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It's hard to write things that are real to me. I tend to write with a little surrealism.
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't mind what you've done here; I can really relate to the second one in particular. However as has been said the consistent "love" cliches are a little monotonous. Try and vary your themes a little more to avoid this. But nonetheless the're all pretty solid.
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Old 04-15-2012, 07:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yea I dont think he is every going to come back.
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Old 04-20-2012, 04:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Rez View Post
yea I dont think he is every going to come back.
Well he did say to be honest... :P
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