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01-04-2009, 12:13 PM
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#12 (permalink) | ||
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: NC
Posts: 5,279
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Quote:
 That definatley lightened the mood. Seriously though, it was a good attempt, it needs a little work but I enjoyed, and sorry about your...problems.
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01-04-2009, 07:30 PM
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#14 (permalink) | |
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Groupie
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 44
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This is a good piece of poetry with a pretty clever rhyme scheme and a decent flow.
The one part that stood out to me as needing work, or needing to be cut out entirely was: Quote:
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01-04-2009, 11:39 PM
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#15 (permalink) | |
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Groupie
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 5
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there are a few things that need improvement, in my small opinion which is really not worth that much so take it for what it's worth, not much, but you did ask and, if i can be of help, great, if not, i hope i don't hurt. the structure could be tightened a lot. cut the chorus down. keep it spare and catchy even if not in a happy way. bring words that can really be caressed and fondled and felt and manipulated and emoted when you sing. nice juicy words with shades of meaning and shape and texture and sound. your sense of place is too general. make me feel that room. make me sense the restlessness and inner agony. tear into me. rip out my raw bleeding heart. pulse it through me. bring me the moment, the place, the distinctiveness of that conceit. don't tell so much. show me more. instead of saying, "i can't calm down," turn it into something happening as a part of you, you being the passive object of the anxiety. what takes hold of you when you feel this way, how does it manifest itself to others who see you. rainbows at midnight. when even after the rain has passed and the skies are clear, you still cannot escape the gloom. even the uneasiness of happiness is constantly unstable and threatened with revealing the hopeless shameful truth of what and who you really are and how others around you perceive you and know you and control you against your will. the pretty and perpetual escape of consciousness and imagination and the uncrushable spirit of self. bah, what do i know. it's better than i could do.
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please disregard any attempt at sensical expression on my behalf . . . i a merely seeking some semblance of collective effervesence among my many selves . . . emptiness in a warm cup . . . sip sip oh yeah . . . |
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01-05-2009, 04:26 PM
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#18 (permalink) | |
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Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 73
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 My life was like a fairytale . . . Except I left Mr. Charming for his sister
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01-06-2009, 02:48 AM
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#19 (permalink) | |
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Registered Jimmy Rustler
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 5,361
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Quote:
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*Best chance of losing virginity is in prison crew* *Always Checks Credentials Crew* *nba > nfl crew* *Shave one of my legs to pretend its a girl in my bed crew* |
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01-06-2009, 01:53 PM
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#20 (permalink) | |
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"Hermione-Lite"
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York.
Posts: 3,084
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Quote:
I'm really sorry. I've actually been in that situation. It was by my best friend at the time. She told me to go for what I want. And to kiss her. And I decided to do it. And she turned her head. And I had to sleep over that night, too. She was such a tease. She always did that to me. When she had a boyfriend, she would tease me ALL of the time, knowing I couldn't have her. |
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