The Official Joke Thread

[Terrible Lizard]

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was ***, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

[Meph1986]

So there are two deaf people--husband and wife. They decide they need some way to communicate when they need or don't need sex so they decide on the following:

Wife says, "if you want sex, pull my left breast, if you don't want sex pull my right breast."

Man says "Fine. If you want sex pull on my penis once, if you don't want sex pull on my penis 250 times."

[gunnels]

Wife says, "if you want sex, pull my left breast, if you don't want sex pull my right breast."

Man says "Fine. If you want sex pull on my penis once, if you don't want sex pull on my penis 250 times."

How would that work if they're deaf?

[Freebase Dali]

Originally Posted by gunnels

How would that work if they're deaf?

Closed captioning sponsored by left and right ass cheek.

[Bella!]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into
a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been
summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee
all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



MORAL? :: Don't Mess with Old People!!

[ElephantSack]

That's a pretty good one.

[thisWARisours]

Originally Posted by SydMM

A girl and her mom are walking through the park when they see two people havin' sex and the girl asks her mom what they were doing. The mom says baking a cake. So the next day the girl goes to her mom and tells her she saw her and dad baking a cake. The mom asked her how she knew and the girl said that she licked the icing off the couch.

Lemme just say, that was pretty sick.

[jackhammer]

I was at my girlfriend's house last night and we started kissing and cuddling. Then as I lay on the bed, she started stripping. At the sight of her young nubile body, I almost came in my pants. A personal best for me seeing as they were 20 yards away on the landing.

[Zer0]

A man dies and goes to hell. He's wandering around in hell panicing and shouting "oh my god i'm in hell, how am i going to get out of here??!! After wandering around for a while he finally meets satan. Satan asks him "are you ok?". The man replies "oh god how on earth did i end up here, i shouldn't be here". Satan replies "ok ok calm down take it easy, here have a beer". Satan hands the man a beer and the man says "hey thanks".
Satan then tells him "every Monday you can have all the drink you want, we have every drink you can imagine and the rivers here flow beer". The man is impressed. "Sounds good" he says. Satan then asks him "do you smoke?". The man replies "of course i do, i've been a chain-smoker all my life. And i died of cancer so thats why im here". Satan says " good, good, on Tuesdays you can smoke all the cigarettes you want, all day, we have mountains of them". The man is even more impressed "i like the sound of that" he says with a smile.
Satan then asks him "do you do drugs?". The man replies "hell yes i love drugs!!". Satan replies "On Wednesdays you can have all the drugs you want, we have every drug you can imagine and you dont have to worry about ODing because you're already dead". The man says "brilliant, it's not so bad here afterall! I might stay here!".
Satan then asks him "are you g@Y?" the man replies "sorry??". "Are you g@y?" satan replies. The man replies "No i'm not g@y, not at all". Satan then shakes his head and says "oh man, you're NOT going to like Thursdays".

[Thrice]

Originally Posted by Bella!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his
pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into
a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been
summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee
all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'



MORAL? :: Don't Mess with Old People!!

A joke just like that which took place in a bar was In a movie, maybe desperado? Maybe with steven siegal?