The Official Joke Thread

spark10036 · 04-08-2009, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janszoon

Heh. One of the funniest ones I ever saw was when he was on a small tropical island. Toward the end of the show he wound up saying something like, "I have to be honest, this is the easiest one of these I've done and I've never eaten so well."

he sucks!!!
but the Bear is god! after wwIII, there will only be him and ****roaches, and the human race will survive...

Whatsitoosit · 04-09-2009, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Terrible Lizard

Ouch, if you wish for a better class of comedy then sir I will oblige.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

much better.

Zer0 · 04-09-2009, 03:38 PM

Magic Beer

A man is sitting at a bar by himself drinking a beer when a beautiful young lady comes up to him and asks "what are you drinking". The man looks at her and says "magic beer". The lady is puzzled and asks "what's so magic about it?". The man then gets up off his chair, jumps into the air and flies around the room 3 times and lands back on his chair. The lady looks at him and says "i bet you cant do that a second time". So the man gets off his chair again, jumps into the air and flies around the room 3 more times and lands back on his chair. The lady's eyes are open with amazement, she says to the barman "i'll have what he's having". So the barman hands her a beer and she starts to drink it. She then climbs up on the bar, jumps off it but falls onto the floor and breaks her arm. The barman then turns to the man and says "Superman, you're an awful **** when you're drunk".

midnight rain · 04-09-2009, 06:15 PM

I always liked Survivorman, no matter how unrealistic or planned out it may be. I've always enjoyed entertainment based around nature, fiction and non-fiction. Who's The Bear? Pretty sure I've never seen that show.

ElephantSack · 04-09-2009, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spark10036

he sucks!!!
but the Bear is god! after wwIII, there will only be him and ****roaches, and the human race will survive...

Well, it will be some ****ed-up half-human/half-****roach radioactive freakbeast, but hey! Close enough.

ElephantSack · 04-09-2009, 06:44 PM

But enough about all that. Let's have some more jokes.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

Thrice · 04-09-2009, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElephantSack

But enough about all that. Let's have some more jokes.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

ha ha hah aahaha.

My little cousin told me this one a few years back.

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Brittany Spears

Brittany Spears who?

Knock Knock, Oops I did it again.

clockworkmice · 04-10-2009, 03:36 AM

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on your face until puberty.

Zer0 · 04-10-2009, 02:28 PM

Americans prob wont get these but...

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

How do we know Princess Diana's hair was looking well before she died?

Because her Head & Shoulders were on the dashboard

Thrice · 04-10-2009, 02:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zero1986

Americans prob wont get these but...

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

How do we know Princess Diana's hair was looking well before she died?

Because her Head & Shoulders were on the dashboard

We know Princess DI died over here in America too.

04-09-2009, 03:38 PM	#143 (permalink)
Zer0 ∞ Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 3,792	Magic Beer A man is sitting at a bar by himself drinking a beer when a beautiful young lady comes up to him and asks "what are you drinking". The man looks at her and says "magic beer". The lady is puzzled and asks "what's so magic about it?". The man then gets up off his chair, jumps into the air and flies around the room 3 times and lands back on his chair. The lady looks at him and says "i bet you cant do that a second time". So the man gets off his chair again, jumps into the air and flies around the room 3 more times and lands back on his chair. The lady's eyes are open with amazement, she says to the barman "i'll have what he's having". So the barman hands her a beer and she starts to drink it. She then climbs up on the bar, jumps off it but falls onto the floor and breaks her arm. The barman then turns to the man and says "Superman, you're an awful ** when you're drunk". __________________ Last FM \| RYM \| The Final Sound**

04-10-2009, 02:28 PM	#149 (permalink)
Zer0 ∞ Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 3,792	Americans prob wont get these but... Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt. How do we know Princess Diana's hair was looking well before she died? Because her Head & Shoulders were on the dashboard __________________ Last FM \| RYM \| The Final Sound

04-09-2009, 06:15 PM	#144 (permalink)
midnight rain Music Addict Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,711	I always liked Survivorman, no matter how unrealistic or planned out it may be. I've always enjoyed entertainment based around nature, fiction and non-fiction. Who's The Bear? Pretty sure I've never seen that show.

04-09-2009, 06:44 PM	#146 (permalink)
ElephantSack Man vs. Wild Turkey Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: ATX Posts: 948	But enough about all that. Let's have some more jokes. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

04-10-2009, 03:36 AM	#148 (permalink)
clockworkmice Groupie Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 27	What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn't come on your face until puberty.