The Official Joke Thread

Howard the Duck · 08-31-2012, 06:20 PM

what is the difference between a scientist using chicken as lab rats and a lawyer?

that scientist has cluckers for science

the lawyer has suckers for clients

Urban Hat€monger ? · 08-31-2012, 06:30 PM

A guy walks into a photo developing lab to pick up some photos he'd taken of his naked wife.
The guy behind the counter smiles at him while he hands them over and says "Would you like the negatives?"
"Yes please," he said sheepishly.
"Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."

I was at the beach today & Beth Ditto approached me & asked me to rub some sun cream on her back.
I explained to her I was only there for the day.

Freebase Dali · 08-31-2012, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Urban Hatemonger ?

I was at the beach today & Beth Ditto approached me & asked me to rub some sun cream on her back.
I explained to her I was only there for the day.

**Frownland** · 08-31-2012, 11:29 PM

A blonde orders a grapefruit soda at a restaurant. The waiter brings it to her table and she asks "why isn't it purple?"

Freebase Dali · 02-11-2013, 05:32 PM

When you're using a garden hose and it seems as if there is something blocking it, have a listen, and if you hear music and a wee voice singing, 'hey you've really got me going', then there's a kink in it.

PoorOldPo · 02-11-2013, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freebase Dali

When you're using a garden hose and it seems as if there is something blocking it, have a listen, and if you hear music and a wee voice singing, 'hey you've really got me going', then there's a kink in it.

................... Wow.....jus.....just..........wow.

FETCHER. · 02-13-2013, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freebase Dali

When you're using a garden hose and it seems as if there is something blocking it, have a listen, and if you hear music and a wee voice singing, 'hey you've really got me going', then there's a kink in it.

I would use this over and over again but nobody would even get it

FETCHER. · 02-13-2013, 10:59 AM

Dunno if I've posted this.

What's the difference between football and Madeline McCann?

Footballs coming home.

stanley lambchop · 02-16-2013, 12:55 PM

why do penguins walk softly?

Because they can't hardly walk

Plankton · 02-20-2013, 11:36 AM

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

08-31-2012, 06:30 PM	#422 (permalink)
Urban Hat€monger ? The Sexual Intellectual Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Somewhere cooler than you Posts: 18,605	A guy walks into a photo developing lab to pick up some photos he'd taken of his naked wife. The guy behind the counter smiles at him while he hands them over and says "Would you like the negatives?" "Yes please," he said sheepishly. "Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse." I was at the beach today & Beth Ditto approached me & asked me to rub some sun cream on her back. I explained to her I was only there for the day. __________________ Urb's RYM Stuff Most people sell their soul to the devil, but the devil sells his soul to Nick Cave.

08-31-2012, 11:29 PM	#424 (permalink)
Frownland SOPHIE FOREVER Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: East of the Southern North American West Posts: 35,548	A blonde orders a grapefruit soda at a restaurant. The waiter brings it to her table and she asks "why isn't it purple?" __________________ Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. d e a f b o x

02-11-2013, 05:32 PM	#425 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	When you're using a garden hose and it seems as if there is something blocking it, have a listen, and if you hear music and a wee voice singing, 'hey you've really got me going', then there's a kink in it. __________________

02-20-2013, 11:36 AM	#430 (permalink)
Plankton Just Keep Swimming... Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: See signature... Posts: 7,766	I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember. __________________ See location...

02-16-2013, 12:55 PM	#429 (permalink)
stanley lambchop Groupie Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: liverpool Posts: 9	why do penguins walk softly? Because they can't hardly walk