The Official Joke Thread

**Scarlett O'Hara** · 04-21-2011, 03:00 AM

This may have already been posted but it made me crack up!
A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a *** shop to get her something to keep her amused.
On his way home he goes to a little *** shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over.
"Your looking for something special?"
"Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat"
The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo.
"Whats so special about that?" asks the man
"Watch... Voodoo dildo door"
To the mans suprise the ***** rises from the box and starts ****ing the keyhole of the door.
"Voodoo dildo box"
The dildo stops and drops back into its box.
"Thats amazing i'll take it"
After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip.
After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo.
"Voodoo dildo my *****"
The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out.
A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the ***ual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed.
In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No" The now destrought woman replys
"A voodoo dildo is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed"
"Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My arse

Mojo · 04-21-2011, 03:12 AM

^Hehe, I haven't heard that joke for years!

**Scarlett O'Hara** · 04-21-2011, 03:16 AM

I think this is the first time I've come across it, DAYUM it's funny. So well written.

Zer0 · 05-03-2011, 12:52 PM

What's large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3

djchameleon · 05-04-2011, 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zero1986

What's large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation 3

Not Funny

highoctane93 · 05-05-2011, 09:49 AM

decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.

TerryTaplin · 06-24-2011, 06:41 AM

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

TerryTaplin · 06-24-2011, 06:42 AM

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

TerryTaplin · 06-24-2011, 06:43 AM

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

~~The Virgin~~ · 06-24-2011, 06:55 AM

Mother: Honey, where are you going? why are you bringing a bag of clothes with you?

Son: I'm leaving. you don't love me anymore. i'm a failure. i'm always wrong. i've never been right for you.!

Mother: Honey, you're wrong.

Son: See?

04-21-2011, 03:00 AM	#351 (permalink)
Scarlett O'Hara Make it so Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 6,181	This may have already been posted but it made me crack up! A business mans company tell him that he will have to take a long business trip to japan to clinch an important deal. Unfortunately his wife is known for cheating on him when he goes away. He loves her still but everytime she does it it breaks his heart and this trip will be the longest he has been on. He also knows that she tries hard not to cheat and has done less and less. Having given up smoking he knows how hard it is to shake an addiction so he decides to go to a * shop to get her something to keep her amused. On his way home he goes to a little * shop. He looks around for a bit but doesnt really find anything satisfactory. Just as he is about to leave the owner calls him over. "Your looking for something special?" "Yes, i need something to keep my wife busy while im away so she wont cheat" The owner looks at him hard then reaches under the counter and pulls out a small wooden box with mystical carvings and pictures on it. He slides off the lid and inside sits a carved wooden dildo. "Whats so special about that?" asks the man "Watch... Voodoo dildo door" To the mans suprise the *** rises from the box and starts ing the keyhole of the door. "Voodoo dildo box" The dildo stops and drops back into its box. "Thats amazing i'll take it" After paying for it he walks home with a smile on his face. The next morning after packing he gives his wife her present. At first she is dubious but after showing her the door trick she seems quite pleased, so he leaves on his trip. After a week she feels then need for a shag but as she wants to stop cheating she instead gets out the dildo. "Voodoo dildo my *" The dildo rises obediently from the box and starts to shag her brains out. A hour and ten orgasms later she feels better. Through all the *ual exstasy however she forgets the turn off command. And as she is well into orgasm numer eleven she cant think straight. she trys to pull it out to stop it but it doesnt work, so she deciedes that she will have to go to hospital to have it removed. In the car on the way there she has another orgasm that makes her swerve dangerously. A police officer see's this and pulls her over. He walks up to the window which she rolls down. "Have you been drinking?" "No" The now destrought woman replys "A voodoo dildo is shagging me and i cant get it to stop im on my way to hospital to have it removed" "Voodoo dildo" the officer laughs "My arse __________________ "Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots

04-21-2011, 03:12 AM	#352 (permalink)
Mojo Melancholia Eternally Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: England Posts: 5,018	^Hehe, I haven't heard that joke for years! __________________ Last.FM \| Echoes and Dust

04-21-2011, 03:16 AM	#353 (permalink)
Scarlett O'Hara Make it so Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 6,181	I think this is the first time I've come across it, DAYUM it's funny. So well written. __________________ "Elph is truly an enfant terrible of the forum, bless and curse him" - Marie, Queen of Thots

05-03-2011, 12:52 PM	#354 (permalink)
Zer0 ∞ Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Ireland Posts: 3,792	What's large, black and steals your credit cards? Sony Playstation 3 __________________ Last FM \| RYM \| The Final Sound

05-05-2011, 09:49 AM	#356 (permalink)
highoctane93 Groupie Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: sumtimes in a god awful world ;) Posts: 44	decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire! One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions. When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them? I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. sometimes, not remembering mey be the better. X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing. X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while. X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house. What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing.. slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food. wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime. X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years. People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles.. Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it? Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear. __________________ Remember, 50% of people are of below average intelligence

06-24-2011, 06:41 AM	#357 (permalink)
TerryTaplin Groupie Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 12	a few funny jokes Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

06-24-2011, 06:42 AM	#358 (permalink)
TerryTaplin Groupie Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 12	Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

06-24-2011, 06:43 AM	#359 (permalink)
TerryTaplin Groupie Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 12	Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?"

06-24-2011, 06:55 AM	#360 (permalink)
~~The Virgin~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Cebu, Philippines Posts: 677	Mother: Honey, where are you going? why are you bringing a bag of clothes with you? Son: I'm leaving. you don't love me anymore. i'm a failure. i'm always wrong. i've never been right for you.! Mother: Honey, you're wrong. Son: See?