TFW you've been planning to friendzone a girl but then she mentions that she doesn't want to have children and suddenly you're attracted again.

:rofl:

Congrats.. such a hard thing to find.

^ seriously. when i dumped my ex he was like "but i was gonna give you babies" and i literally gagged

lol^

TFW a girl at work who isn't trying to have any more kids but gets pregnant anyway and isn't into that abortion lifestyle but omg the jokes just keep coming. And yeah, Maury got brought out.

You would probably have needed to check where he was getting them from, though.

Tfw you cannot even walk one mile to run an errand (or just, y'know, enjoy a sunset or something) without being harassed twice and having an anxiety attack behind a Hobby Lobby as a result

Don't let the assholes of the world get to you. Stay awesome.

Don't let them get your goat before you even get any.

TFW:

You're making toast in your new toaster/toaster oven thingy, and suddenly realize that you've been stashing your bag of weed in the oven section.

Was able to salvage about 90% of it.

Toast was killer for what it's worth.

TFW you pick a really gnarly booger, marvel at its fractal structure, eat it, but then you realize there's a nose hair in it. Gross.

i...is.... are... joking?

No.

Compared to some of the stuff he's posted, this is fine dining.

yeah but usually it’s too far to possibly be a joke. that is right on the verge of trolling vs reality.

I shall leave it to your imagination.

You should change your user title to Drunky McBoogereater.

TFW you're looking through old photos and stumble upon sexy pics of your 18 year old ex. Holy ****.

TFW you're dicking around on your best friend's computer and find sexy pics of his ex.

TFW you're computing on your friend's dick and picture fines of...ex

TFW you lose the inspiration to finish what you started

TFW you finish anyway and feel like a disgusting piece of **** afterwards

TFW you dream about eating potatoes, wake up at 2 am and can't fall asleep again because you now crave potatoes so much.

I'll bet TH knows that feel.

Tfw your diet has consisted mainly of potatoes and trail mix for the past month and you might actually die if no one orders you a pizza soon (I would just walk somewhere to get food but I'm not really in the mood to be hassled by random men in cars today)

*https://www.dollartree.com/assets/pr...rge/232627.jpg*

Tfw you plug with lucem ferre once and now your youtube homepage is flooded with Sadistik

Could be worse. He's a Tech N9ne fan.

No, I won't plug Tech N9ne because A) I've been personally sick of Tech N9ne for the past few years and B) I know that nobody here likes him.

But I am glad that T-Monkey played that Sao song, that was a really awesome ass song.

Tfw you routinely end up looking like an over-confident alien who is actually only vaguely aware of the correct Things Humans Say During Small Talk because you're always accidentally saying things like "..sweating like a dog in church" (or getting other old sayings horribly mixed up) because your brain is constantly short-circuiting (but also just trying its best.)

"Sweating like a dog in church" is pretty fantastic tbh. Making old sayings confusing is a great way to screw with people.

It is, actually; I've said it at least three time today, and nobody else finds it funny anymore (which makes it hysterical to me) -- but yeah, I used to do that sort of thing on purpose all the time which is probably why they're all hopelessly scrambled in my brain now. But, I mean, I prefer to keep my friends/acquaintances in a mild state of confusion & dread when they're around me anyway so I'm fine with it.

i bet a dog would sweat in church tbf

even if he is a good boy

Dogs don't sweat, retard.

**** yes I was hoping someone would say this.

Listen up, bitch. Dogs sweat through their paws. They just don't use sweating as a primary cooling method like us humans do.

I've also become fond of "don't count your possums before they hatch" after saying it to my sister once by mistake. (I always have dogs and possums on the brain.) Oh, by the way, does anyone else's older relatives say "I'll be on you like a junebug" as a threat? Is it just an Arkansas thing? I've never heard anyone else say it.

Oh and speaking of dog feets, a lot of people also don't realize that their paws can be burned by hot sidewalks in the summer. They have sensitive feets.

Today I was emailing with a salesman about some online marketing stuff. He had one idea which I had to tell him was not compliant (aka illegal) to which he responded "Mothballs!"

White people say the darnedest things.

lol damn batlord you one dumb bitch

No I looked it up before I said it. Sweating through their paws and noses is no basis for a serious joke about them sweating in church.

You said "dogs don't sweat, retard" not "dogs don't sweat enough to legitimize a joke that uses dog sweat as a punchline."