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Old 06-03-2006, 08:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What You Get From Listening To Too Much Music And Watching To Much Football

Passion seeping through her fingertips
The sweat from her hands intertwined with mine
Her eyes closed so I can appreciate her beauty
and her mind open so I can tell her so

CHORUS
You and lust have made me wreckless
She's pulling at my heart strings
I'm pulling at her necklace

every word clouded by my daring thoughts
and mirrored by her desire for them
As we gaze towards the barren ceiling
not a word to be uttered, we know them already

CHORUS
Young, stupid and wreckless
She's pulling at my heart strings
I'm pulling at her necklace

My hands run along your hair, but yours stay safely
around my waist where they are attached
Love glitters while your body sparkles
Here you are, retiring from your will

CHORUS
You and lust have made me wreckless
You're pulling at my heart strings
I'm pulling at your necklace

freeing herself of what she once thought she knew
Listen to the echoes of the same old phrases
and pretend they don't wear thin, just for me
It's hard to believe that we could end up here
and here we would stay
but I'm prepared to lie to myself
and rest, holding you all day



I'm quite impressed with myself on this day. From the first line the ideas just kept flowing... bit over-sensitive for my liking and I feel it does verge on wussy but I like it. Even though I won't admit to it again
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Woah, I'd never read that one before Hobo, but it's wicked. I particularly like the ending, because it ties the lyric up very neatly. If you make it into a song, it'd be good to put a nice simple chorus in, to break it up a bit. Other than that.... A+++++, excellent Musicbanterer, would recommend.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I know what you are getting at with this song, my wife came with me to watch the last England game and wore one of my Arsenal jerseys. I wanted to pound her right on the table at the pub, my friends may have been offended by such an action however
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MURDER JUNKIE
my friends may have been offended by such an action however
Only if you didn't give them prior warning so they could prepare the video recorders...
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I don't think anyone wants to witness that
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Old 06-29-2006, 09:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I want to turn this into an argument, number one way to increase numbers on the songwriting thread for sure...

But how?
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 06-29-2006, 02:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Agrt with above. Little technical thing you might want to take a gander at - you switch randomely from talking about her, to being with her and talking to her in the middle of the song. Stick with one, eh gov?
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Old 06-29-2006, 04:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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If the song were split up into sections like below, it would maybe make more sense with regards to whether he's singing about the 2nd or 3rd person. However, it would just be better to sing the whole thing about the 2nd person (so always singing to 'you' not 'her'), in my opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hobojesus
Passion seeping through your fingertips
The sweat from your hands intertwined with mine
Your eyes closed so I can appreciate her/your beauty
and your mind open so I can tell her/you so
every word clouded by my daring thoughts
and mirrored by your desire for them

As we gaze towards the barren ceiling
not a word to be uttered, we know them already
My hands run along your hair, but yours stay safely
around my waist where they are attached
Love glitters while your body sparkles

Here you are, retiring from your will
and freeing yourself of what you once thought you knew

Listen to the echoes of the same old phrases
and pretend they don't wear thin, just for me
It's hard to believe that we could end up here
and here we would stay
but I'm preparing to lie to myself
and rest, holding you all day
Making those corrections also illustrated to me how many times the word 'your' now features in the song. Maybe you're overusing the possessive a bit? Think about how it sounds when a particular word continually crops up in a song - a bit funny sounding, right? Having now pointed out that issue, I'm sorry to say that I don't have a clue how you can resolve it!


Crowe smells like a man who showers in his own urine.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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Old 06-29-2006, 07:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver
If the song were split up into sections like below, it would maybe make more sense with regards to whether he's singing about the 2nd or 3rd person. However, it would just be better to sing the whole thing about the 2nd person (so always singing to 'you' not 'her'), in my opinion.


Making those corrections also illustrated to me how many times the word 'your' now features in the song. Maybe you're overusing the possessive a bit? Think about how it sounds when a particular word continually crops up in a song - a bit funny sounding, right? Having now pointed out that issue, I'm sorry to say that I don't have a clue how you can resolve it!


Crowe smells like a man who showers in his own urine.
Showers in it? I use it as a natural lubrication for nearly everything I do during my day! Moving through tight door ways, swallowing somewhat dry food, and running faster. Come on, what do you do with your urine when you're done with it?
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Old 06-30-2006, 04:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crowe
Showers in it? I use it as a natural lubrication for nearly everything I do during my day! Moving through tight door ways, swallowing somewhat dry food, and running faster. Come on, what do you do with your urine when you're done with it?
Well, here in my Nepalese monestary we pass it straight into a drinking glass and then drink it back down ever so slowly, savouring every nuance of flavour. On a good day, it can taste quite like Sauvignon Blanc. On a bad day, well, it taste like piss doesn't it. You get what you pay for.
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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