Dizzys in the wolf

o.o

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acenoface

Not sure how well the lyric fits with the music but I hope you enjoy:

So glad she shared an aisle with me
On this magic flight to Angel City
Worked up the nerve to ask her
Where she's from and what she's after

You turn me on
You turn me on
Care to join the Mile High Club?

She said
I know I will achieve stardom
Known it since I was in kindergarten
You claim you're in the movies
But you only want to use me

I turn you on
I turn you on
I won't join your Mile High Club!

You need agents
Please have patience
I'll make you a star!

You turn me on
You turn me on
Care to join the Mile High Club?

Can't forget her
I never got her name
Can't forget her
I never got her name
Can't forget her
I never got her name
Can't forget her
I never got her name

acenoface

Always remained faithful
And my love was sincere
But it became shameful
When your Siren Song entered my ears

Seemed like a true godsend
'Cause our first date was fun
Thought I'd a new girlfriend
But your Siren Song left me with none

How could you let me go
Become locked in your sights
Just for your big ego
'Cause your Siren Song gave you the right

Stringing me along
With your Siren Song

Many a man chose you
With your boldness that shocks
I should've known those who
Hear the Siren Song crash on the rocks

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aveneficus

Siren song in reference to Greek mythology I assume?

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Arya Stark

I like it a lot.

I'm just not sure of the least line of each stanza.

Because it feels like a run-on in comparison to the rest of the stanza.

acenoface

Put your house in order my friend
Soon your life will come to an end
With this task
You will ask
Have you done more harm than good

Self reflection wasn't your style
Now you put your conduct on trial
Will it sting
Wondering
Have you done more harm than good

This is what you get
Living with regret

Was your business done in good faith
Did you leave your loot in the safe
With you wealth
Ask yourself
Have you done more harm than good

This is what you get
Living with regret

Never you worry 'bout judgment
Evryone makes some mistakes

Ev'rything that's hateful to you
Did you bring to people you knew
Anyhow
Question's now
Have you done more harm than good

This is what you get
Living with regret

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aveneficus

I liked this, but it did seem a bit overdone with the repitition, which seems to be a commonality with your writing (from what I've read thus far).
Other than that, not too shabby. Good verses and a subtle, yet acceptable couplet for the chorus.
The best part in my opinion was

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Frozen Angel

Repetition is necessary in a song. I like your rhyme within rhyme, and to me if you put the line back together as so, it seems more clever and doesn't quite appear forced:

"Put your house in order my friend
Soon your life will come to an end
With this task; you will ask
Have you done more harm than good

Self reflection wasn't your style
Now you put your conduct on trial
Will it sting; wondering
Have you done more harm than good"

for example.

This way, you cannot visually see the effort in the rhyming...but it flows so nicely. Separating the line makes the reader pause the line, IMO. Especailly in lyrics, forcing rhymes adds a cheesiness to something that, well, is not cheesy at all.

Not sure if I like how you end EVERY verse with "Have you done more harm that good" BUT if your song has guitar melody (or intrumental interludes, piano or something) in place of a pre-chorus, or pre-verse, just to break it up - then yes you can be as repetitive as you want.

In my opinion, the presentation and how you deliver your words is equally as important of the quality and content of your work. Then again, your format might be your preference. I am only expressing my own.

acenoface

Thank you very much, that looks much nicer on the page

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